Signs of the Times, Issue No. 216 - 07/10/12

Tuesday gives me magical blogging powers.


Greetings to one and all. Oh boy, do I have a lot to talk about today. This Issue, I tell you, will start out calmly, but by the end of the Newsletter, I'll be on the verge of overturning tables. It's A-Town Mania here this Tuesday, so let's get to it! Topics to be discussed: My new closest friend, weird places to hit on chicks, A-Town: Future World Traveler, how LeBron ruined basketball, a guest blog from an old comrade, shining examples of American parenthood, and something the Utes have done to absolutely infuriate me. On we go!

I just read an article online about hugging at work. It was probably one of the weirdest things I've read in a long time. Who goes out of their way during the workday to give hugs their co-workers? I would never hug anyone at work, firstly because I don't like any of my co-workers nearly enough to hug them in the office and secondly because that's just a really weird place to do it. Where I work, there are several couples (dating, married, etc.) and, thankfully, they usually do a pretty good job of keeping it work-appropriate. I can't imagine the horror involved in hugging a co-worker. That just sounds uncomfortable to me. Ick.


Speaking of co-workers... The day long-foretold by many a ZAGG co-worker has come at long last. After one full week of waiting, I was finally able to pick up my new scooter last Saturday. Oh, and how glorious was that day? It was quite glorious, to be truthful. The scooter looks great, rides like a dream (if that dream was about a scooter that was fun to ride around the neighborhood), and is pretty much everything I hoped it would be. I may have mentioned my fear of riding motorcyles and, honestly, I had never ridden any type of motorcycle or scooter previously, so it was a embarrassing how jumpy I was on the machine with my entire family watching the maiden voyage. But, now that the nerves have been soothed, I've been riding it around the streets of the neighborhood, over to the church parking lot, and around the bus lane at Alta High School (Home of the Hawks). I like it. It's good, it's fun, and you can all come over to take a ride on it if you promise not to crash. I even dared to take it out onto 11400 South (during a period of extremely low traffic, of course). It was just as terrifying as I every could have predicted. I waited patiently, biding my time until there weren't many cars going in either direction. I revved the throttle and putted into a left-hand turn. a white car was coming in the far-right lane and I would have had tons of time and space to make it into the left lane, but then (and I knew it would happen), he decided to make a lane change right as I started the turn. Mortified, I turned into the so-called "suicide lane" (and I hate when people do that, by the way), and, after a quick prayer, was spared my young life and was allowed to scoot my way back home. By the way, I am open to suggestions for the name of the scooter, but I generally A) don't name my vehicles unless I come up with something really witty and awesome and B) hate most name suggestions that people give me. Keep that in mind, people. Keep that in mind. (New A-Town Webisode coming soon!! VROOM VRRRROOOOOOOM!!)

Thanks, ZAGG!

I go to the gym sometimes (obviously). Occasionally when I'm there pumping iron, I'll see an attractive girl. Such occurrences cause me to ponder if people ever actually meet at the gym. I'm sure they do. I wouldn't know. Isn't that just the weirdest place to meet somebody? In my mind's eye, I picture some little hottie over in the corner doing yoga (or whatever they call it when they're all stretched out on the floor in their spandex) and then some muscle-bro with a tank top and a sweat-drenched towel coming over and being like, "Hey, baby... if you didn't notice, I was over there getting ripped. I couldn't help but compliment you on your... spandex. So, um, what are you doing later?" Sick. Do girls like that? I know many girls have commented that they don't like gym rats with the huge deltoids and whatnot... but I bet that deep down inside they love it. On the other hand, would I like it if an attractive, physically fit young lady came over to talk to me whilst working out? Um... let me think about it... HECK YEAH!!!! But, my one reservation would be that I always look like crap at the gym! I don't go there dressed to impress (my muscles do the talking, clearly, not my wardrobe). So, typically, I'm not looking my best when I go to the gym. And why not? Probably because I know the odds of a total babe walking up to me, telling me I'm a physical specimen, and asking me out about the same at the gym as they are anywhere else. (Not likely.) I can't feel too bad, though, because I know the reason no hot chicks hit on me at the gym. They're intimidated by my physical fitness.

"Have you seen me curl my five-pound weight?"

I've had a strange feeling come over me lately. I think I can place the blame squarely on this game called "Pocket Planes" that I play on my iPad. In this game, you manage an airline company, so you start buying airports and flying planes all over the world. Right now I'm only set up in North America with one airport in Rome, purchased entirely on accident. As I've played this game in my spare time, I've learned a couple things about North American geography, most notably stuff like "Bismarck, ND, isn't THAT far away from Salt Lake City" and things of that nature. So, by golly, I've come to the conclusion that if these little animated characters can travel across the country with such incredible ease, so can I, dang it! There are so many places in the United States that I want to visit! I see Facebook pictures of people traveling all the time, too. What are they? Rich? Or am I just a cheapskate? (Well, I AM a cheapskate. Everybody knows that.) But really, I want to go on a vacation. Scratch that. I'm going on a vacation. I'm going, dang it! I've chosen the time frame - the week of Pioneer Day. My company has the day off on Tuesday for the Utah holiday and my weekly time off comes on Wednesday. So if I took off Thursday and Friday, as well, that would give me six days to travel the world. There are a bunch of places I'd love to go. I've never been anywhere on the East Coast, other than North Carolina, but that wasn't exactly for sight-seeing. I've been to St. Louis, which was fun, but that was for band tour, not for leisure. I got to go to the top of the Gateway Arch and I've been on a riverboat, but apparently that was back before I believed in taking pictures, apparently. I've love going to Disneyland and I've been to San Francisco a handful of times, as well. But where should I go now on such late notice? I figure that, because the odds of me actually finding a friend that is willing to just drop everything and come with me that week are incredibly low, I may very likely be going alone. And, although I'd love to go see a Cubs game at Wrigley Field in Chicago and as much as I crave another Disney trip, I don't think those trips would be fun to make alone for two particular reasons: 1) I'm not exactly known for my navigational proficiency and 2) it would sure be nice to have somebody to talk to. Soooo... I've basically narrowed it down to one place: Texas. I think I could make a trip to Texas by my lonesome, if necessary, because I've got family there and I have a couple homedawgs that could possibly keep me company. Thus, best case scenario: I might be able to bribe somebody into coming with me. Worst case scenario: I go by myself, selfishly hogging all the fun, and I beg my relatives and acquaintances to act as tour guides. Plans are in the works. My request for Thursday and Friday off of work was approved earlier this morning, so it's happening, babies!! Six Flags, a Texas Rangers game, tours of the Ballpark in Arlington and Cowboys Stadium. Oh yeah. It's going to be good. If anybody has suggestions for places to go, things to do, landmarks to see, or food to eat, let me know! Oh, and if any of you within the sound of my proverbial voice are interested in potentially going on the adventure of a lifetime, let me know. ASAP. Undoubtedly, a travel log will be forthcoming.

I'm packing my bags!

As if this is a shock to anyone, I hate the NBA. I recently commented that LeBron James ruined basketball. I offended not a few of my social media stalkers and one of them asked if I had any reasoning for spouting off that status. At the time, I sarcastically stated that I only make such remarks to anger people, but yes, believe it or not, I DO have reasoning. Allow me to explain. Not only is LeBron James the embodiment of everything that I hate about basketball (ego, selfishness, one-on-one mentality, "superstar" treatment, and eagerness to take shortcuts), but he has now taught the rest of the Association that those qualities pay off in the end. LeBron couldn't win a championship with the hand he was dealt, so he gathered his superstar buddies and they took their talents to South Beach to win not-one-not-two-not-three-not-four-not-five-not-six-not-seven championships. It did my heart good to see the Heat lose to the otherwise-hated Dallas Mavericks in last year's NBA Finals because it showed the world that you don't have to play for a superteam to win. (Sure, Dallas's payroll was enormous, but I didn't see them as, essentially, an All-Star team like Miami was.) When Dallas beat Miami, there was still hope for normal teams. However, now that the Miami model has been victorious and obtained that ever-elusive championship ring - as I so prophetically prognosticated a few weeks ago - now we are seeing that model being, um, modeled everywhere else, as well. Jason Kidd to the Knicks, Ray Allen to the Heat, and (the most disgusting example of all) Steve Nash to the Los Angeles Lakers. This absolutely disgusts me. I despise pretty much every NBA team and every NBA player, but I did once hold Ray Allen and Steve Nash in high regard. I felt that they were pretty classy, loyal guys that played unselfish, team basketball. Well... I take it back. Granted, if I were them and the Lakers offered me a huge contract, I'd gladly go warm the bench for them, but of all the teams for those guys to go to?! Ray Allen was offered WAY more money to stay in Boston and he decided to go play with LeBron. Sickening. Now we've got this giant fiasco with Dwight Howard pulling strings to go to New Jersey, which is turning into a complete mess. Not only is Howard largely overrated (sure, he can score, rebound, and block, but does he win??), but he's a troublemaker! He's a coach killer and a cancer. (Now that I think of it, I guess he would be a perfect teammate for Deron Williams...) Anyway, I said it before and I'll say it again: Now that LeBron's superteam strategy worked once, we're going to see it all the time. That's horrible, horrible news for cities like Cleveland, Memphis, Milwaukee, Indiana, Denver, and Salt Lake City. It horrifies me to think of what will happen once contracts expire for our young players. If they realize they can't conceivably win with an average team in a small market, why would they ever stay here? Answer: They won't. LeBron James ruined basketball.




Does anybody else remember when Smash Mouth used to be a really popular band? How did we ever let that happen?

We've got a great guest blogger this week. His name is Andrew Snow and he's a former EFY counselor like unto myself. His mental musings have been highly anticipated by other ex-EFY-ers and, I'm happy to say, he does not disappoint. Take it away, my man:

"I have a theory, and because it's a simple theory, people might reject it. However, because theories aren't fact (a little loophole I learned in fifth grade science class), I can play around in the sandbox of 'what the world is in my eyes' without being touched. Here is my theory: all men eventually want to be Spider-man and women hate Jennifer Love Hewitt.

First, I realize that many men may refute my assertion based on which superhero was their favorite when they were kids. Me? I was a big Wolverine guy as a kid. I mean, how could you not appreciate a guy who spoke fluent Japanese and had sideburns that rivaled Samuel L. Jackson's in 'Pulp Fiction'? However, Wolverine wasn't a character anyone could really identify with. Sure, he was jacked out of his mind, Canadian, and hairy (three of my most winning features), but he just wasn't as popular as old Spidey. Here is why I believe this: Spider-man had problems. That's right, real-world, make–you-sad problems. He lost loved ones, had to make tough choices, and did a lot of learning in the process. We, as men, who identify ourselves by what we do, who we are, and what our title is, gravitate to Spider-man because he exemplifies what it is that we want to be: manly. Chuck Norris never quite had it like Peter Parker did.

Next, chicks hate J-Love. Why? I have absolutely no idea. However, ask your closest friend what they think about her, or better yet, say you saw 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' and you thought she did a great job in it, and watch for the obligatory eye roll. It can't be explained, but it's just like how dudes feel when you hear a girl say that Luke Walton is attractive.

Think about it...."

- Andrew Snow

You cannot tell me this man is attractive.

I hate Luke Walton. It's time for this week's Boo Box. I haven't done the Box much lately and I feel kind of bad about that, but hey, you people don't care, so whatever. Last night, I was watching the MLB Home Run Derby and it was to my great satisfaction and humor that the Kansas City crowd Booed Robinson Cano like there was no tomorrow. What was even more hilarious, however, was how much they cheered every time he didn't hit a home run. I don't know all the facts, but apparently the Yankee slugger and then-reigning Home Run Derby champion had promised, as captain of the American League team, to select Billy Butler of the hometown Royals for his squad, then failed to do so. Needless to say, the crowd wasn't very happy about that. Anyway, I thought that was hilarious. The participant that I'd really like to Boo, though, is Matt Kemp, who has been camping out on the disabled list of my fantasy baseball team for the majority of the season this year. He hasn't been feeling well enough to play for the last who-knows-how-long, but he says he's good to go for the Home Run Derby. Hmm. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. My fantasy team weeps, Matt Kemp. I want to Boo him. Again, I'm sure the majority of you don't care and maybe some of you don't even know who Matt Kemp is, but hey, if you'd like to join in, you're welcome to. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

Speaking of baseball, I was in attendance at the Salt Lake Bees game on the Fourth of July. Let me just tell you this - buying tickets on the day of the Fourth of July game is probably not preferable. Our seats were about as far away from home plate as possible and we got stuck with, well... Let me just tell you who we got stuck with. To our left was a "hot mama" (or so she seemed to think, anyway). She was dressed in some sort of swimming attire, loosely wrapped in cloth, adorned, as well, with a fedora and fake, bead-like tattoos. Quite fashionable, if you ask me. Sitting next to her was her nine-or-ten-year-old daughter, who was equally "tattooed." Must have been Girls' Day Out. In fact, I do believe that it was Girls' Day Out because we overheard (and it wasn't hard to eavesdrop on these loud mouths) that the father was in the American Express Box at Dodger Stadium. (I'm sure he was on some sort of "business trip" and he forced the wife and daughter to go to the Bees game.) The aforementioned thought became increasingly more evident as the "hot mama" immediately began cursing to her daughter, saying, essentially, that these seats were crappy and she hated them. She also mentioned to the daughter that she wished that the young one was 18 so they could just go across the street to the bar instead. During one stretch of the game, the mother left the daughter there in the seats in pursuit of beer and ice cream, apparently. She was gone for quite a long time. (She later whined about having to walk all the way around the stadium in order to obtain her alcohol.) While the mother was gone, the daughter started plotting aloud how she was going to get a certain heckler to shut up. I didn't hear all of what she was saying, but the first part involved getting the adult man naked and another part involved sun glasses. In the final inning, the Bees were about to lose the game and some fans were getting a little restless. Three particular fans decided to go down next to the railing right in front of us to yell and swear at the Tacoma left fielder. This didn't make our "hot mama" very happy, so she encouraged her little daughter to throw peanuts at them to get them to leave. After hitting the hecklers three or four times, the "hot mama" called a cease fire due to the fact that there was a baby in the vicinity. (How civil of her.) And finally, once the game was over, our friend started talking to me asking me about my Mariners jersey and telling me that she was a "Dodger girl." Yeah... not happening, lady.


As much as I'd like to tell you that that was all, there was more. Oh yeah. There was more. On my RIGHT, there was some homely-looking gentleman, seated with a larger woman and three kids. One, the teenager, was seated right next to me and had a tendancy to put his big head right in my line of sight, making my fear of being hit by a foul ball even worse since I couldn't see the batter for about half of the game. A few innings in, the woman got up and left for whatever reason. Beer and ice cream, maybe? Later on during the game, the teenager was making a phone call. "Hi, Mom? Hey... oh, it's you. Sorry, wrong number." How on Earth do you get the wrong number when you're calling your mom?! Anyway, that was weird. Near the end of the game, I was, you know, sitting there, trying to watch the game and I caught a glance of his cell phone. He was texting "Mom" and it said "Answer your freaking phone!!" Nice. If I ever texted my mom like that, I'd be in trouble. Anyhoo, I didn't think much of it, other than that I was surrounded by shining examples of American parenthood on that night. In the following few minutes, the kid had made a couple more phone calls and finally got a hold of "mom." "We're stranded in Salt Lake City," the teenager complained. Apparently he didn't like the seats, either. I wouldn't say going to a baseball game is exactly "stranded." Maybe their car broke down. "...[so-and-so] left us here at the baseball game!" I took a look to the right and saw that the lady that was once sitting with the family never came back to her seat. So if he's on the phone with "mom" and So-and-So left them stranded at the game... who was that lady?? That's P.M.U.!! I hope they got home safe. Call me a jerk, but I didn't stick around to see.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to Mike Holmes, who probably doesn't read the Newsletter. Who knows? Maybe he does. Anyway, I'd like to congratulate Mike for successfully taking a creeper picture of me and my date at the Bees game. CREEPER! And, shockingly enough, he wasn't the only one taking such pictures of us. There were at least two people at that game who were apparently in awe of me being outside with a girl in public. Wow. Incredible. None of you thought I had it in me, did you? I know, I know. Impressive.




Well, I thought I was about done with today's blog and then, on my final break of the day, I saw something that absolutely infuriated me. BYU and the University of Utah have decided to cancel their rivalry football game for the 2014 and 2015 seasons. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?!? It honestly makes me want to swear. The Holy War is one of the country's most heated (and best) rivalries and they've decided to cancel it. Why?!? Because the Utes have "bigger fish to fry"?? I don't want to hear that until we start beating teams like Washington, Cal, and Colorado because, if I remember correctly, we got fried by them last year. I honestly don't see a reason why BYU would be the instigators here, so I put the blame squarely on the PAC-12 and the U of U higher-ups. Is it because of money? Well guess what? There are some things in this world that are more important than money - like the fans. What about us? I understand that there are some unrealistic snobs out there that think that the Utes rule the world now that we're in a BCS conference and the Cougars aren't, but, if BYU is truly as inferior as these brain-dead fans try to lead everyone else to believe, why WOULDN'T the Utes want to schedule them? If the Utes are truly that good, this should be an easy win! Would we rather be playing teams like Florida or Ohio State all the time that we have neither tradition with nor chance of beating? Nice... "I can't expect us to play 11 really, really difficult games in a season," University of Utah's athletic director, Chris Hill, commented today. Oh, maybe that's it! We're afraid we're going to lose to BYU! That makes sense. We're afraid of them! So now that we're in a power conference, we're running away while we can! They're so good that we can't afford to play another good team. Makes perfect sense. We don't want our players to have to go out and exert themselves week after week. We want some weeks off where we play really crappy teams and don't have to try hard. Mhmm... Of course... Doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know everything, but from my somewhat-limited understanding of NCAA athletics, one of the most beloved qualities that  college football possesses is TRADITION. What have we gone and done now? RUINED ALL THE TRADITION FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY! Unbelievable. It makes me sick. The BYU-Utah game is, I dare say, the most anticipated sporting event in the entire state of Utah. It's the one game I lose sleep over, it's the one game I hate losing, and it's the one game I love winning more than any other. WHY CANCEL THE HOLY WAR??? Absolutely preposterous, if you ask me. Maybe a few more of you will feel like joining in if I add this topic to this Issue's Boo Box, huh? Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!! I, as a University of Utah fan and alumnus, am outraged. I'VE NEVER TYPED IN ALL CAPS SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!!! DAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

If you hate this, you must hate sports.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. I better end this before I get any more worked up about it. I almost yelled at my radio on the way home. I dare anyone to debate me about this topic. Canceling the Holy War makes no logical sense at all. Sickening. Oh, and by the way, if you thought I was joking about anything this week, I wasn't. Except maybe the gym thing. Actually, no. I was serious about that, too. Anyway, I need a travel buddy. Ok. See ya.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron