Signs of the Times, Issue No. 196 - 02/21/12

The Pathway to a Better Tomorrow.

Greetings to one and all on a blessed post-Presidents' Day Tuesday. Hope you're all having a lovely one, but enough with the chit-chat. Let's get on with it, shall we? Topics to be discussed today: A bright future for the American people, A-Town through the ages, BYU students grabbing the national spotlight yet again, a wasted Friday night, the return of Hashtag Mania, and a big milestone in the proverbial timeline of my life. On we go!

Yesterday was Presidents' Day in America - a day in which we give thanks for Presidents past and present. Now, this got me thinking. I had almost totally forgotten about my Facebook group promoting my future run at the White House. Yes. "Aaron Christensen for President in 2012." Facebook it. It's a real group. (And no, I was not the creator of this group.) It used to have a lot of members but right now it only has two. Not sure what happened there. But yes, in case you hadn't heard, I've been planning my campaign for a few years now and, though things haven't really taken off like I expected them to a few years ago, I will still throw my name in the hat this fall, regardless of Constitutional age limitations. My only two policies, as of November 7, 2008 were as follows (and I quote): 1) My first official act of business will be to abolish taxes. 2) Secondly, I will put soda pop in every drinking fountains in every elementary school west of the Mississippi, and 3) I will also let them have McDonald's in the cafeteria. (End quote.) As you can clearly see, I am hard at work trying to mend all the broken promises we received as children in our school days as we elected class officers and representatives from elementary school through high school. How can you not commend that? Obviously, I was young and naive back then and, in my older, more mature state as presently constituted, I have come up with five - count 'em: FIVE - new policies. I introduced these exclusively to my Facebook group yesterday, but for those not fortunate or informed enough to have the privilege of seeing them already, I give them to you now: 1) Robotic officiating for all professional basketball games, as to reform the apparently biased and inherently-flawed structure of the National Basketball Association. 2) Immediate and everlasting ban on any Justin Bieber references from appearing as trending topics on Twitter. 3) Advancements in the research of plausible time travel. 4) Removal of any Kardashian-related television programming. 5) Creation of a new "Homeland Religion Restoration" bureau, as initially proposed by Mr. Curtis Gardner in the aforementioned Facebook group on 7 Nov 2008.

Remember, everyone - Elect the best candidate to be President in the next election and vote your worries away. "Aaron Christensen 2012: The Pathway to a Better Tomorrow."

A vote for me is a vote for sunshine.

While we're honoring our forefathers - the builders of this great nation, I thought it would be fun to reflect back on my own lineage. I know you all think that I just created this "A-Town" persona for myself, but this is a fallacy. I inherited this namesake. For those of you who didn't already know, I come from a long line of A-Towns. Let me introduce you, chronologically, to their legacies:

A-Town I (d. 248 BC): A farmer by trade. Coined the term "town," as far as civilizations are concerned. "A Town," said he. "Like a city... only smaller." His descendants decided that he should legally change his name as an everlasting tribute to his marvelous vocabulary.

A-Townicus Publicus (d. 421 AD): Ancient Greek philosopher. Often made tongue-in-cheek commentary about high-ranking members of society. Stoned to death by his critics on the steps of the Parthenon at the young age of 36.

A-Town the Great (d. approximately 1531 AD): Famed world traveler. Once attempted to sail out of England, allegedly headed for a port in the South of Spain. His crew spotted land 15 weeks after departure. While nearing the shores, his ship was attacked by the evil and hated (but dashingly-good-looking) pirate captain, Ryan of the Seacrests. Though some remains from the vessel were eventually recovered, the bodies of A-Town the Great and his intrepid crew were never recovered and are assumed, to this day, to be lost at sea.

A. Twon (d. 1604): Rumored to have been an estranged son of A-Town the Great. Born and raised in Hong Kong by an Oriental woman. As far as personal accomplishments, there are not many to speak of, though he did once enter an amateur wrestling competition at the age of 22. He was smashed through six different wooden tables during that match. Due to the lack of safety precautions then established in the very, very early age of wrestling circuits and the crudity of those poorly-constructed wooden tables, A. Twon ended the match rather "roughed up," we'll say, and he decided to retire from competition at that point, after just one match.

Andrew "A-Town" Middlebury (d. 1814): He played an instrumental part in the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere. Literally. Unbeknownst to the majority of American history teachers in the modern era, Andrew "A-Town" Middlebury aided Revere by playing a secretly-encoded tune on his trumpet to alert American citizens that the British were coming. Middlebury stood watch in the first city that Revere rode through as he made his way from place to place that night and, upon first sighting that heroic horseman, Middlebury blasted six distinct notes from his bugle. This aroused a large majority of the residents that had not already heard the warning cry of Paul Revere. As this was the first settlement to be made aware that the British were coming - and as each small city had been labeled alphabetically - the phrase was heard to have been started that night: "A-Town has awakened. Ride on, Paul Revere, to B-Town! Ride on!" Sadly, the importance of that phrase has been all but lost throughout the passage of time.

Ryan Augustus Lindsay (d. 1949): One of the very first stunt pilots in the aviation age of America. Mr. Lindsay's flying skills were novice, at best, so he was never a main attraction at any of the famous air shows of that era. He was more easily recognized and much more frequently remembered for his star-spangled headband, which he adorned for every flight as a tribute to the spirit of America. Often heckled for his odd middle name, his colleagues began to refer to him as "A-Town." He passed on to the next life after attempting the world's first ever triple-barrel roll/double-back flip/front flip on an empty tank of fuel. The lack of gasoline was part of the stunt.

Henry "Hank" Aaron (b. 1934): Long-time holder of Major League Baseball's all-time home run record. Still widely considered as the all-time long ball leader. Barry Bonds technically holds the record now, though under heavy scrutiny due to the use of human growth hormones and performance-enhancing drugs.

Aaron "A-Town" Christensen (b. 1986): Former high school band president, former radio DJ. Now he blogs every Tuesday, makes Webisodes that are typically flagged for alleged copyright infringement, and is commonly known as the most offensive person on the entire World Wide Web. Though once, practically, a college campus celebrity, he now rarely leaves his house for non-ecclesiastical purposes.

Students at Brigham Young University yet again thrust their alma mater into the national spotlight this past week as one male student called out a female classmate for what he deemed to be an inappropriate wardrobe selection. The choice of clothing, he claimed, was cause for this young woman to reconsider her commitment to BYU's notoriously-strict Honor Code and her decision to attend BYU in the first place... Now hang on now for just one second. If you've seen the picture, there is nothing the screams "immodesty" at all. No controversial regions of the body are exposed and there is nothing particularly seductive about the outfit, whatsoever. The girl's decision to makeShow all public the hand-written note she got slipped in the study hall that day is one thing, but, honestly, who does this guy think he is? What gives him authority to become Provo's Honor Code police and blow the proverbial whistle on those he perceives to be violators? It amazes me how judgmental our society has become these days. Don't get me wrong - I call people out for their stupidity all the time, but I try to mainly pick on those who are well-deserving and in positions of celebrity status where they've brought the criticism on themselves. But do I go around calling sinners to repentance? No. This is the stuff that makes the world think that Mormons are self-righteous pieces of crap - because, sometimes, they are (just like Catholics and Jews and agnostics and atheists). Nobody's perfect, no matter what religion they belong to, but, sadly, Mormons get an unfairly bad rap, as they say, due to situations like this. There's a little lesson I learned as a child: I don't like the smell of coffee. Never did, never will. When my mom would take me shopping as a child and we'd have to walk past the coffee aisle, I'd hold my breath and walk fast. Buddy boy, if you've got a problem with the way somebody is dressed, turn your head and walk away. I didn't look down the coffee aisle and slip everybody notes telling them that they were breaking the Word of Wisdom. What other people do with their lives usually doesn't affect me, so I don't let it bother me. All this drama and negative attention from national media could have been avoided if this kid would have just thought to himself, "I don't like the way that girl is dressed." Instead he chose to write her a note telling her that she's a bad person. Nice... Nice job.

Somebody's wearing FLIP FLOPS!!

There was a multi-ward singles dance last Friday night. I figure that, as a man of high social standing, I should make an appearance to see what was cooking on the dance floor and possibly sign some autographs or something. It started at 7:00, so after spending some important family time earlier in the evening, I, quite naturally, showed up at around 8:10 to survey the scene. As I made my way for the cultural hall, I could hear the music blasting. Oh yeah. Time to get my groove on... Or so I thought. I entered the gym and noticed that there were only 10 people there. That, in fact, might even be an over-exaggeration. Only three or four people were dancing, led by one girl who clearly had no self-respect. The others just watched her and mimicked her so-called dance moves. Not to toot my own horn, but (no offense) I think I was quite clearly the coolest person there. I headed over to the tables on the far side of the gym, grabbed a cookie, some punch, and a peppermint, and booked it the heck out of there. Thanks for the cookie. I felt bad for the people who planned the activity, though. I was kinda looking forward to that. Young Single Adults in this area seem to be pretty anti-social, so I thought it would be nice to go out and meet some new people. Well, as it turns out, kids in this area are even more anti-social than I had anticipated. What a bummer.


It's been a while since we had Hashtag Mania in the Newsletter. Much to the disdain of my Twitter followers, here it is! Today's Hashtag is #BadForDating. Enjoy.

@atownmania: Garlic. Good for cooking. #BadForDating    @MattManMotoring: @atownmania: ..and any and all social gatherings. Except for the Gilroy Garlic Festival.    @atownmania: @MattManMotoring Touche.

@saysjanae: No car. #BadForDating

@crackalacka22: talking about yourself non-stop #BadForDating

@deejmbl: praying in a restaurant #BadForDating

@crackalacka22: telling the person you just kissed that you like someone else. #BadForDating
@saysjanae: Introducing them as "your girl/boyfriend" after date #1. #BadForDating

@saysjanae: Defining the relationship after date #2. #BadForDating

@crackalacka22: admitting you're obsessed with sports on the first date. #BadForDating

@atownmania: Turning up the radio with other people in the car. Good for road trips. #BadForDating

@deejmbl: sloppy joes #BadForDating
    @atownmania: @deejmbl ...but #GoodForTummy

@crackalacka22: Doritos #BadForDating
    @atownmania: @crackalacka22 Disagree. Doritos are good for any occasion. Just bring a toothbrush.

@crackalacka22: Confession of love on the first date. #BadForDating

@crackalacka22: Marriage proposal on the first date #BadForDating
    @gabbygayle19: @crackalacka22 @atownmania Saying ANYTHING about marriage on the first date! #BadForDating

@snorlex622: not shaving your legs when wearing shorts/skirt #BadForDating

@saysjanae: Going out with their friends #BadForDating

@deejmbl: stories about your "crazy" exes and bad breakups #BadForDating

@atownmania: Sending shirtless pictures of your ex-boyfriends flexing in the mirror to the guy you just got home from a date with. #BadForDating

@atownmania: Tweeting a lot when people are receiving your mobile notifications. #BadForDating

@eileenisajerk: Spandex - good for biking, bad for dating. #BadForDating

@deejmbl: make your date wait 30 minutes #BadForDating

@deejmbl: show up 30 minutes early #BadForDating

@atownmania: Star-spangled headbands: A fashion statement of the highest regard. #BadForDating

@crackalacka22: Going to the local Dojo and throwing down. #BadForDating

@atownmania: Thinking. #BadForDating


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "Dear Aaron,
Are you giving up anything for Lent?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties

A. No. (SALUTE!)


February has come and nearly gone again and that means I'm coming up on another interesting milestone in my life. I've almost been home from my LDS mission to North Carolina for four years now. I returned home from two years of service at the end of February in 2008. Time flies when you step back and take a look at it. The time has gone so fast and it really doesn't seem like I've been home that long. I still remember the places I lived, the people I met, and the experiences I had on my mission like they happened yesterday. Ok, maybe not yesterday, but it certainly doesn't feel like it's been four years. I'm an old man now, right? It's also interesting to take a look back and think of the things I've accomplished in those four years. I've done a lot of things that I set goals for as I came home on that flight from Raleigh-Durham and there are still many things out there that I haven't had the chance to do, but I look forward to the journey that lies ahead. In retrospect, I loved my mission and would trade just about anything to get back out there and do it all over again. Those truly were the best two years of my life and I'm so grateful for all the memories I have from that time. Anyhoo, I just wanted to mention this little milestone and give a Shoutout of the Week to Jordan Holmes and the other missionaries that returned home with me four years ago.

 

That was a long time ago...

That's about it for this week, kiddos. Oh wow. It's after Issues like this that I'm shocked that any of you actually even read this thing. Whew, what a day. I'm off to class. You peeps take it easy, you hear?


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron