Signs of the Times, Issue No. 195 - 02/14/12

Sorry, ladies.

Greetings to one and all. Let's face it. It's Valentine's Day. That alone gives me weeks and weeks of stuff to write about. But then you throw in Mormon culture and it's like hitting the blogger's jackpot. Now comes the part of the introduction where I normally tell you which topics I'll discuss today, but I think that in this Issue, the real Question is which topics won't I discuss?? Oh, there's so, so much to talk about today. Are you with me, people?? On we go!

I'm generally a pretty easy guy to please, as far as holidays go. I'm always down for a good excuse to party and occasionally take a day off from work. But there are a couple so-called "holidays" out there that I'm not particularly a fan of, Valentine's Day being chief among them. Valentine's Day and other "Hallmark holidays" appear to have been created for the sole purpose of keeping flower shops and greeting card companies in business. Sure, it's nice to take time to appreciate your significant other from time to time, but there are very few things I hate worse than feeling pressured into doing something. Take, for instance, the obligatory standing ovation. Does it really mean as much when you only stand up to applaud because you're the only one in the room who's not already doing it? And does a bouquet of flowers really make you feel as fuzzy inside when your boyfriend felt like he had to give it to you? I just don't get it. To me, personally, I think it would be better if these things came about spontaneously, rather than on a set day every year where women worldwide have come to expect monumental tokens of affection. Why can't we all just love each other every day of the year?

Maybe a lot of this animosity toward Valentine's Day stems from the fact that I have never been in an exclusive relationship in the month of February and, therefore, have never had a true reason to celebrate the "holiday." I mean, why else would you want to celebrate Valentine's Day? There's not much to do when you're just chilling by yourself or with your siblings. As a single young man, it just bothers me to be force-fed all those lovey-dovey Facebook status updates throughout the entire week leading up to today. I'm of the belief that the intimate details of your successful personal love live should be something private. That's all. I hope you're all having success, but, in the event that you are, I don't want to know all about it. I am skeptical about posting anything positive (from a dating perspective) in my blog - and it's not that nothing good ever happens to me - I just don't want you people to know about it if and/or when it does. Luckily, I've had enough bad experiences to keep the Newsletter in business the past few years, so that has been fun, I guess, but it's not like I'm going to whip out the laptop every time I give a girl a hug. Sorry, people. (I know how excited you'd be if I actually did that. Ratings would undoubtedly skyrocket. And so would the hate mail from all you jealous anonymous blog stalkers.)

I can't take it anymore!!

What do you people think about highly-publicized relationships on Facebook?? I'm definitely guilty of being on Facebook probably more than is needful, but that's beside the point. When I'm online there are some things I don't mind seeing and other things that just bother me. Like when 17-year-olds (and yes, I'm friends with many of them, thanks to my EFY days) are posting about how heart-broken they are that a kid they've had a crush on for an entire scholastic quarter and a half doesn't like them back. What an absolute tragedy! Am I right? I mean, who cares about grades or church or painting your nails?! - The number one thing you should be posting about on Facebook is whether or not your crush is mutually interested. Posts when they're not interested, posts when they are interested, posts when they aren't interested anymore, posts when that Facebooker finds a new love of their life, and another post when their former flame changes their mind and becomes re-interested. Gee willikers. Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg, for the "unsubscribe" button. I do not need that in my life, especially from such young kids who shouldn't be in seriously-exclusive relationships at that age, anyway.

"I can't wait 2 get home 2 tell my FB friendz about this!!"

What's, dare I say it?, even more pathetic is when people my age whine about whether or not people like them. Bleck. Let's keep in mind one thing here: There is a difference (in my mind, anyway) between posting negative thoughts about dating and the culture insights of a young, single Mormon in Utah sarcastically and, on the other hand, posting stuff in a public forum seriously. As I've come to realize, when people post complaints about their social life and aren't making light of the subject, but, rather, sincerely stating to the entire world that they cried themselves to sleep because they haven't been on a single date in months, it's not, necessarily, something that makes me just want to run out and date them. If I did, it would likely just be out of pity in an attempt to get them to stop posting such terribly depressing stuff. Finally, as a disclaimer (and it's sad that I even need to clarify this), if I ever really were seriously, honestly depressed about my social life, there's no way I'd blog about it to let you people know about it. It's called a journal, people. Try it. I try to keep things pretty light-hearted over here on my end of the computer screen and I'd appreciate it if you did on your end, as well.

Speaking of Facebook, I saw a picture on my news feed the other day that gave me a little chuckle. In the foreground is a young woman. She does not look pleased. Behind her stand two other young people - a couple, obviously flirting with each other. The caption reads: "1% of the ward gets 99% of the dates. Occupy Singles Ward." That's some good stuff... and it's dang true! Some people would like to dispute my claim, but I'm back with a rebuttal: Anyone who doesn't agree with that statement is clearly part of the aforementioned 1%. I've talked about this before, but I will reiterate it now: I don't mind my singles ward. I need a place to go to church each Sunday and it provides me with a congregation. But as far as getting me any closer to finding an eternal companion goes, it's not really getting the job done. And why, you ask? Simply because 1% of the men in my ward get 99% of the dates with girls in the ward. Come to think of it, this statistic may come off as a little misleading. It should have clarified by saying 99% of the intra-ward dates. Most members of the ward go on dates, but if you're going to church to find a spouse in that ward, like so many young people do these days, if you're not either a newly-returned missionary whose part is still etched into his hair and hasn't sinned in 24 months or an ex-jock with a struggling testimony that is coming back from eight years of moderately-severe inactivity, you're out of luck. No attractive girls in the ward will give you the time of day. Don't get me wrong - there are some very, very nice girls in my ward and I wouldn't mind getting to know some of them better, but, for one reason or another, whether it be lack of mutual interests, lack of physical attraction, or a handful of other minor reasons, I just don't see things going anywhere with any of them. Call me shallow, call me picky, call me what you will. I've heard it all before.

Those kids are ditching Sunday School for sure.

Speaking of hearing it all before, let me plead my case. (In the end, I shouldn't even have to plead, because, as one ex-Subscriber once pointed out before suddenly dropping off the face of the Earth, in the end, I really only care about my opinion, anyway, and not anyone else's. I digress...) I have heard some people, from time to time, express concern that I am on the search for "the perfect girl" before I settle down. I beg to differ. Nobody's perfect, obviously. I'm no idiot. I think that marrying a female version of myself would be weird, anyway. Additionally, others may think that, according to the amount of whining I do about dating, that I'm becoming desperate. No so, my friends. Not so. If I were desperate, I could have been married a long, long time ago. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that would love to get married - and not just to me - to anybody! I'm not desperate. This brings me to my point: There is a difference between being shallow and/or picky and having standards - and I'm not referring to immorality or anything here. These "standards" are, I suppose you'd say, reasons why I would be hesitant to exclusively date an otherwise-decent-for-dating young lady. I think that there is more to compatibility  than just mutual interests and good looks when it comes to picking somebody to date or marry.

Take, for instance, exhibit A: A girl with a great sense of humor. Great. She likes everything I like. Wonderful. She's easy to talk to. Nice. She has a giant tattoo from shoulder to shoulder and five ear piercings. Not good. Can't take that home to Mama.


Exhibit B: She's fun. She likes me. She likes my family. I like her family. She's a Democrat. Hmm... I'll get over it. I'm not that into politics, anyway. Despite her somewhat-liberal nature, the great thing is that she loves sports. Oh, a dream come true! But... she can beat me up. Mmm... I'll have to think about that.


Exhibit C: She's got rich parents. Sweet. Additionally, he's very attractive, except for when she smiles. She's got crazy teeth. I can get past that. But she's dated lots of muscular guys and keeps scandalous pictures of them on her phone, she thinks I'm a nerd, and she thinks my hair sucks. True story. (See Issue No. 140.) Not happening. What a shallow piece of crap.


Exhibit D: Beautiful girl. Kind to pretty much everyone. She's musical - that's always a plus. She gets sick frequently and misses school a lot. Ah. Something to keep in mind, but not a deal breaker. Anyway, she's also very clingy - to the extent that she'll hack your email address if necessary. Psycho woman. Get thee hence.


Exhibit E: This girl is strong in the church. She's the second counselor in the Relief Society presidency. Very nice. She's from California - not ideal, but it's 15 minutes away from Disneyland. Oh heck yeah! And she loves the Los Angeles Lakers. OOF! No. I'm sorry, but just no. Can't do that.

So... Is this picky? I'd say no. And obviously these are ridiculous examples, but you get the point. I once heard a phrase that said something along the lines of that before marriage, you need to keep your eyes wide open, but after marriage you put on the blinders. I agree with that. You've got to find somebody that you're not only compatible with to a large extent, but somebody that you'll be able to tolerate for eternity and be able to raise a family with. Anything that detracts from your ability to do that should honestly be considered while you're dating (or looking to date). However, once you make your decision, you'll undoubtedly find flaws that you hadn't discovered before marriage and you've got to either learn to deal with them or ignore them. You're in it for the long haul and I believe that, even if you're not 100% identical in every way, you can work things out eventually. My logic surely be roasted three times over by my female readers, but I think I'm justified. And, again, I'm the author of this blog. Whose opinion matters in the end? Joking. Sort of. But not really. Feel free to email me and I'll consider possibly including your hate mail in the next Issue.




As further proof that I, Aaron the Benevolent, am willing to feature YOUR opinion in my Newsletter, I have taken to the proverbial streets to see what my peers think is a good thing to do for Valentine's Day. I won't be doing anything. I'll be in class studying the Gospel of our Lord until 9ish. (Sorry, ladies.) But anyhoo, what do my broskis think would be the ideal way to celebrate tonight?:

Austin Christensen: Candle-light dinner; anything with rose petals; exchange presents; express appreciation for each other; not watch the Jazz.

Scott Aylett: To celebrate Valentine's Day I would sit on the couch with some pizza and Mtn. Dew to watch the Jazz game, but I know they'll break my heart, just like every girl I've dated.

Ed Rothlisberger: The most romantic thing I am doing is working so that one day I can provide a super romantic Valentine's Day to a lucky lady.

Jason the Barbarian: I've only really participated in one Valentine's Day (as far as going on a date or whatever). It wasn't really that romantic. In fact I don't even really know if I've ever been romantic. Ever. But I guess one could get a girl flowers or light some candles or something. At least that's what they do in the movies.


 
Speaking of things they do in movies... One of the most difficult things about that thing they call "love," in my opinion, is what we'll call, for today's purposes, "the Hollywood effect." We, as a collective society, have all become so brainwashed by movies and TV that we hold unrealistic expectations for finding Prince or Princess Charming that we close ourselves off to actual, real people. I recently came across a girl who said that her ideal first date would be "something totally unexpected - like in a movie." Well, sorry to burst your bubble, chica, but that's not going to happen unless every single date is a flash mob with harmonized singing and choreographed dancing. (That'd be P.M.U.!! Talk about creepy! On a first date?) I guess the other option is that you could meet in Venice and take a gondola down the stream. That'd be good, right? As a single man, I feel that I'm the one that can't live up to expectations of women in the modern age. I recently saw a certain movie that was released in theaters. I won't mention the name of it because I don't want you to go waste your money on it like I did. Kidding. But not really. But it was a... (*gulp*) chick flick. Yes, it's true. I went (on a date, mind you - not alone) to see a chick flick. I'm sure all the girls there loved it, but I couldn't help feeling (as I've felt with other movies of the same genre) an overwhelming sense of annoyance. Do women really like this garbage? It's a cheesy story (though inspired by factual events), the acting is lame, and the relationships between the two main characters in these types of stories are generally based on the most superficial of qualities. These relationships are so often based on physical attraction, sex, money, or a plethora of other fantastical circumstances barely and rarely (if even at all) achieved by living, breathing men. I'm sorry, but this stuff doesn't happen in real life!! (I considered typing that in all caps.) I'm not taking you to a picnic on the roof of a closed retail store after hours, we're not doing anything that could possibly end up with us getting chased by cops, I don't sure as heck don't sparkle in the sunlight, and I'm certainly not running into the ocean with my clothes on. I hate wet socks. So all you ladies out there that are waiting to be swept off your feet by Thor can... um... keep waiting. I saw a guy that looked like Thor once. It was not impressive. But he had a girl with him. Hmmm...

She's waiting for Taylor Lautner.

And finally before we wrap things up here today, here are the Top Five awesomely lame ways for you to express your love to your significant other (in no particular order):


- Anything involving an accordion. So awesome, yet so horrendously non-romantic.


- A singing telegram. My favorite one ever is from the movie "Clue." Now that is awesomely lame.

- Text somebody and tell them that you think they are pretty and attach a picture of Craig T. Nelson. I'm sure they'll love it.

- Take them out for ice cream... dressed like Dracula.

- Ask them over for a romantic night of candles, soft music, and a private showing of "The Big Ticket 2"... wearing Snuggies.

Honorable mention: - Invite them over to sit around and do nothing while you count the money you saved by not doing anything for them.


HA! That's awesome. Let's close up shop with the Shoutout of the Week. This week, I give a Shoutout to all those lonely people who don't have anyone to spend the night with in a religiously-endorsed manner and those who are two shy to have a blog to promote their bachelor- or bachelorette-hood. Happy Singles Awareness Day to all of you. Put a smile on your faces and go eat some ice cream. Alone. Hey - more ice cream for you, right?


That's about it for this week, children! Oh, I can only imagine what all of you will be doing this evening. Best of luck to you.


Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron