Never before. Never again.
Greetings to one and all for a late-night Issue of "Signs of the Times"! There is lots to talk about and it's almost your bedtime, so let's get down to it! Topics to be discussed today: Black Friday, the long-awaited audition, the most pathetic loss, another Madden Bowl failure, the world's speediest rejection, the lamest kind of fan, and the best sort of movie. Ready? On we go!
My siblings and I embarked on our first Black Friday experience last weekend. I had never gone Black Friday shopping before, whether it was out of pure indifference or just because I've never had money to just throw around, but all the good deals I've been seeing lately, coupled with the extra money I've been getting for commissions at my job lately, got me hooked. I wanted to get some stuff and I wanted to get some good deals. WalMart opened early, so we piled in the car and headed over at about 10:15. Upon arrival, we immediately noticed that the parking lot was as packed, if not more packed, full of cars as I had ever seen any parking lot in my entire life. It took us ten minutes just to find spot to park. It didn't look so bad as we made our way to the entrance, but the moment we got into the store, we saw the line of people waiting to check out. It wrapped all the way from the front of the store nearly back to the electronics department. That's P.M.U.!! There were shoppers of all shapes, sizes, and ages impatiently waited to pay for their discounted goods. There were people with their shopping carts positively overflowing with toys. People with giant stacks of Blu-rays and DVDs. There was no way they would have been able to look through those piles and choose which movies were actually discounted AND good. It was like they just took their outstretched arms and grabbed an entire row of videos and just stacked them in their cart. Ridiculous. We had one thing we wanted to get, so we got it and sat in line for about 15 minutes, nearly witnessing a fist fight between two ornery women and letting what seemed like every single WalMart customer pass through the line right in front of us. [Isn't that always how it is? If anyone ever needs to get up and go to the bathroom three times in a movie theater, they're always on your row. And if anyone ever needs to cut through a really long line, they always ask if they can sneak past you. Always. Annoying.] It got to the point where we asked ourselves, "Do we want to wait in line for two hours to get one thing that we can very likely go pick up a couple days later at the exact same price?" No, we don't. We booked it the heck out of there.
Austin and Amy wanted to go check out the South Towne Mall, so Cody and I dropped them off and wished them well before driving over to Best Buy to try our luck there. Our journey was short-lived, however, for as we pulled up to Best Buy, we gazed, sleepy-eyed at the long line of hopeful shoppers, which wound clear around the back of the building. Not happening. We went back to the mall and rejoined our fellow siblings in line outside the east side of the building. The wait wasn't too bad. We stood there for about 35 or 40 minutes before they let us in at midnight. Upone the stroke of 12, the doors were opened and it was complete pandemonium in the parking lot. People who had been sitting in their cars - not in line, mind you - busted out of their vehicles and ran like mad toward the front doors, completely bypassing this thing they call "wait your turn like everybody else, losers." People were screaming, running, pushing, smoking, you name it. It was like a scene out of "Jingle All the Way." Absolutely nuts. Once inside, there were so many stores that it really wasn't TOO crowded and I ended up getting some clothes, which was cool, I guess, but it wasn't an experience I'd like to have again in the near future. My first Black Friday. Quite possibly my last Black Friday.
Outta my way, grandma!
A couple quick, final observations about Black Friday. First, long lines and discounted prices bring out the absolute worst in Americans. It's pathetic, really. Secondly, Austin and I have discovered what separates this generation's idea of "Black Friday" from that of yesteryear when our parents used to go. There is nothing that 12-year-olds like to do more than stay up late and shop. Put those together and what do you get? A nightmare. And thirdly and lastly, what's a trendy, name-brand clothing store to do when they're too cool for discounted prices? Stick a couple practically-naked 18-year-olds outside the entry. I almost puked when I heard three teenage girls behind me exclaim, "WE HAVE. TO GO. TO HOLLISTER!!!!! AHHHHHH!!" Are you kidding me... Kidding me?? That is the epitome of teen culture these days. The less clothes, the better... As long as mommy and daddy don't know! Unless it's Twilight and Taylor Lautner, in which case mom is coming with us! Sickening. And quite deserving of a spot in this week's Boo Box. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!
It's all going down now, my friends. Austin and I are officially applying for "The Amazing Race." There's one tricky part about this deal, though. Austin's work schedule the last two weeks has made it so that he and I barely see each other throughout the week and we haven't had time to put our application together or to make a video. The deadline for submissions is November 30th. That's right. Tomorrow. So, needless to say, the Brothers Christensen, AKA the team who just passed you, are scrambling to put together the necessary materials. We'll be filming the video today and submitting everything tomorrow night. Yes, yes. I know, I know. We'll post the video online as part of the next A-Town Webisode once everything is done. It's gonna happen, people. And we're gonna win!! [Update at 8:15 PM - Just finished filming the video... Still need to edit it and submit it tomorrow, but this stuff is going to be good.]
It's on, babies!
After heaping praise on the Utes last week and essentially crowning them champions of the PAC-12 South division, THEY BLEW IT! Holy crap, they blew it and lost to Colorado, the worst team in the conference! It is beyond me what happened on Friday afternoon and the mere thought of it brings me nigh unto tears. Everything lined up exactly how it needed to. Arizona State lost to Cal, UCLA got dominated by USC like everyone thought they would, and all the Utes needed to do was beat a crappy Colorado team. We played like absolute crap and they still beat us by three. To add salt in the wound, two of our star players didn't even play in the second half AND WE MISSED THREE FIELD GOALS!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! I hereby hang my head in shame and absolute disgust. After conversing with my dear mother, there were two ways that the Utes could have approached this game: 1) Thinking "Holy crap, we were supposed to be horrible this year, but if we win this game we can go to the inaugural PAC-12 championship game"... or 2) Thinking "Well, it's only Colorado, the worst team in the conference and not if, but when we destroy these losers, we'll be going to the championship." Pride before the fall, my friends. Pride before the freakin' fall. I can't believe it. It's one thing for the fans and the media to go into that game over-confident, but when the players go in with that attitude, only bad things can happen. Anyway, there's not a whole lot more to say about this, other than that we totally blew our bowl chances and I am completely ashamed of our performance last weekend. What a tragedy. And any BYU fans who would like to bash me now will get shut down like I already shut down one outspoken Cougar - with this simple, yet beautiful phrase: "54-10."
While on the topic of football, Austin and I participated in our ward's Turkey Bowl on Thanksgiving. It wasn't even close. Austin's team dominated from start to finish and the closest we really ever got to them was about a three-touchdown deficit. However, I was pleased with my seven-catch, four-touchdown, one-interception performance. I had cramps until Sunday. In other news concerning Austin's reign of dominance, I lost Madden Bowl XI on Thanksgiving night as Austin's Philadelphia Eagles beat my Detroit Lions by ten. After fumbling the opening kickoff (which Austin returned for a touchdown five seconds into the game), my team overcame weak play on the offensive line and almost battled back to a come-from-behind upset victory, but apparently three Michael Vick fumbles was not enough. I have earned my spot in the Hall of Shame, losing an astounding ten Madden Bowls in a row. I think Austin was probably done with this tradition back in like 2002, but for some reason I keep making him play me. If I ever beat him, mark my words, if I ever win another Madden Bowl, I'm retiring while I'm on top.
THREE MISSED FIELD GOALS?!?!
While on the topic of football, Austin and I participated in our ward's Turkey Bowl on Thanksgiving. It wasn't even close. Austin's team dominated from start to finish and the closest we really ever got to them was about a three-touchdown deficit. However, I was pleased with my seven-catch, four-touchdown, one-interception performance. I had cramps until Sunday. In other news concerning Austin's reign of dominance, I lost Madden Bowl XI on Thanksgiving night as Austin's Philadelphia Eagles beat my Detroit Lions by ten. After fumbling the opening kickoff (which Austin returned for a touchdown five seconds into the game), my team overcame weak play on the offensive line and almost battled back to a come-from-behind upset victory, but apparently three Michael Vick fumbles was not enough. I have earned my spot in the Hall of Shame, losing an astounding ten Madden Bowls in a row. I think Austin was probably done with this tradition back in like 2002, but for some reason I keep making him play me. If I ever beat him, mark my words, if I ever win another Madden Bowl, I'm retiring while I'm on top.
All of you squealed with joy as you mocked me for my little speed dating expedition last week. Six days after that glorioius outing, I received my results. To recap, basically the deal is this: You sit down and talk to the guy or girl for 2-3 minutes before they make you rotate. We were instructed to take some notes about that person - things we found interesting about them - and to notate whether or not we were interested in getting to know that person better. After the activity, we turned in our note sheets and the people in charge of the activity tallied everything up, matching, in this case, my responses up to all the (undoubtedly) numerous concourses of single women that wanted to get to know me on a less time-restricted basis. To my great pleasure, I checked my email last night and was greeted, as if with smiling eyes, by an email entitled "Speed Dating Matches." It was a short email. A really short email, as a matter of fact. After a couple brief sentences, it announced my matches... And because some of my readers out there are either overly jealous when I divulge this sort of information, overly creepy when I divulge this sort of information, or just because I straight up just don't want you people to know, I will not disclose the number of girls that said yes to me. But I will say this: Compared to the roughly-twenty-five girls that I "speed dated" that night, it was a terribly low percentage of positive feedback and I may or may not have already known everyone on my matches list. Let's keep in mind that I said "no thanks" to my fair share of dragon lovers that night, but... Really? Really?? Wow. I must have really sucked it up that night. I have apparently flunked out of the school of speed dating.
The NBA is back (or so they say). The lockout is allegedly coming to and end and, you know what, I couldn't much care less. The NBA has ripped off their fans and, quite frankly, treated us like peasants compared to them, the kings and rulers of the galaxy. And now that they're back, they expect us to just bow down to them again like nothing happened. Not a chance, people. Not a chance. I will not spend a dime on the NBA this season (despite the endless pleas by one Scott Aylett to get me to buy Jazz tickets). The lockout has just really left a bad taste in my mouth and I feel no need whatsoever to pay my respects to King LeBron and his cronies. Back in the day, there were not bigger NBA fans than my family and me. But what once was a glorious pasttime of ours has now become an abomination. What once was a glamorous team sport has become a series of Rucker Park-style pick-up games with focus on self, rather than team. The money has gone to the players' heads and endorsements, salaries, and glamorous lifestyles have overcome teamwork, fundamentals, and the love of the game. It's sad, really. I love the Utah Jazz. Nothing will ever deter me from that, but I really, really hate the National Basketball Association. What really bothers me, though, is the caliber of NBA fans these days. There are few people in this world that pester me more than an irrational basketball fan. Local fans, in particular, have become more and more ridiculous in the last few years. First of all, if you really think the Jazz will be championship contenders every single year, you must realize that this is not 1997. We are generally capable of making a playoff push in the Western Conference, but actually, honestly thinking to yourself that the Jazz are the best team in the NBA, especially right now, is just plain foolish... and for a fan base that claims to love their local team as much as these self-proclaimed Jazz fans do, they sure talk a lot of crap about their team. Have you listened to much sports talk radio in the last 12 months? People are always calling in ragging on Andrei Kirilenko and Raja Bell, asking us to trade Paul Millsap (WHAT?!), and even clamoring for the firing of Jerry Sloan, in some instances. Are you SERIOUS?!? #SignsThatYouDontKnowAThingAboutBasketball
Dang it.
I saw "The Muppets" last night and it was fantastic. The Muppets haven't made a big-screen movie in years and this movie was a breath of fresh air. Witty, sarcastic humor with over-the-top musical numbers, celebrity cameos, and veiled references to some of the Muppets' greatest hits. ("PIIIIIGS... IN... SPAAAAAAAAACE!!!") Ah, I love the Muppets. The movie is clean - no profanity or innuendos - which is something almost impossible to find in films these days. The only part about the movie I didn't enjoy were the two boneheads and their girlfriend up in the top corner of the theater that talked throughout the entire movie loud enough for everyone to hear. They were constantly using their cell phones, occasionally flashing the light in my direction and momentarily blinding me. It was bright. It got so bad toward the end of the movie that a girl six or so rows in front of me turned around and said "SHUT IT." The two losers insincerely mumbled, "Sorry, we're trying to watch the Muppets..." What bothered me even more was that, as the credits rolled and they made their way down from the top of the theater, they turned to everyone they passed and mockingly "SHHHH!!!"ed us. I thought the guy who was with the "SHUT IT" girl was going to get in a fist fight with them. You've got to be kidding me! Who do these kids think they are? I spent my hard-earned money to go see that movie, they talk throughout the entire show, and then they tell EVERYBODY ELSE to be quiet? You've got to be KIDDING! Other than that, the movie was awesome - in fact, probably the most impressed with a first-run movie I've been since I saw "Tangled" for the first time. There aren't many movies I'd pay full price to see more than once, but this would be one of them and I'd seriously consider it. It's definitely a movie I'll be purchasing when it hits store shelves in a few months. I'll give it 10 out of 10 - and that is your Week in Review.
These are the only two I tolerate talking during the Muppets.
This week's fantasy football Game Ball goes to Gridlock. This was a tough week for the A-Town Assassins. I had a bit of a dilemma centered around my three quarterbacks... and I did it. I can't believe I did it. I benched Drew Brees. Perhaps the biggest star on my team, ladies and gentlemen, and I benched him! I had Cam Newton and Matt Ryan, both decent quarterbacks in their own rights, playing against two of the worst teams in the league and Brees facing the New York Giants defense, which has traditionally been a pretty stingy bunch. Newton and Ryan both had 30-plus points, which was all right. I felt justified in starting Ryan over Brees... but then Mr. Drew went ballistic on the G-Men last night, totaling 53 fantasy points, thanks, in large part, to his four passing touchdowns, along with one on his feet. I blew it, dang it. So the game ball must go to my mom's team. Victor Cruz was one of the few bright spots for New York last night with nine snags for 157 yards and two TDs. That's 52.20 fantasy points, boosting Gridlock up to within 35 points of the league lead. Things are getting tight as we head toward the home stretch of the regular season.
My bad.
The Shoutout of the Week goes to J.D. Lloyd. Yes, Mr. Lloyd of "The Big Ticket" fame. J.D. celebrated a birthday this week and I sincerely hope that he finally got one of the Oscar awards he has deserved from his tremendous acting in our pro wrestling documentaries. In all seriousness, Mr. Lloyd is one of the nicest kids - perhaps THE nicest kid - I've ever met in my life. Happy birthday, my friend! Hope you're doing well. Tell Mrs. Lloyd we say hello.
That's about it for this week, kiddos. Time to start editing the audition video. Hope you all had a lovely Tuesday. Enjoy the rest of your week.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
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