Signs of the Times, Issue No. 185 - 12/06/11

Make that 12.

Greetings to one and all on another Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday. My name is Aaron and this is my infamous blog. Lots and lots of things happening in the wonderful world of A-Town and you know you want to hear about it. Topics to be discussed today: The mysterious loss of a dear friend (sort of), the biggest loser, another good week for the Assassins, the best news I've heard in a while, and yet another young lady incurs the wrath of A-Town. But first, the moment Austin and I have been dreaming of our entire lives. Ready? On we go!


Late last Wednesday night, Austin and I officially submitted our audition video and application to be on "The Amazing Race." I still can't believe we actually did it. I had a hard time getting the application to submit that night and finally ended getting it put through at about 10:05 PM (Mountain Time). I would have been really ticked if the deadline had been at midnight, Eastern Time. Anyhoo, we're excited about the prospect of potentially being put on the show and have been hitting the gym accordingly. We ran a mile on the treadmills the other day and perhaps did it a bit over-ambitiously, as we both felt like dying on the car ride home. The extended version of our audition video is posted on Facebook and YouTube and can be seen by clicking HERE. The hardest part of the application process was trying to narrow down the file size of the audition video to fit in the 30MB file size restriction. The video started out at about 4:00 long (49MB) and it ended up being 2:29 (29MB), so a lot of funny stuff had to be cut out of it. I think that we got the point across in the end, however: We're awesome and hilarious and it would be a crime NOT to select us. After all, 400 YouTube hits in 14 hours can't be wrong. We're a viral sensation!

Oh yeah. It's happening.

I'm not stranger to crappy situations in dating - and, you know what? I'm ok with that, I guess. If it's got to happen to somebody over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, it might as well be me. But you know what I don't like? When it happens to somebody else. And you know what I really, really don't like?? When it happens to my littler brother. There are two rules in life that are etched into stone. Actually, make that 12 rules of life that are etched into stone. But the two modern rules are: "Nobody messes with A-Town" and "Nobody messes with A-Town's family". That's a big no-no. So here's the deal. My brother Cody has been set up as part of a large group of Alta High School students that are going to the traditional Christmas dance at the school this weekend. As part of this group, Cody was assigned a girl to ask. (He didn't get his choice of girls, he was assigned someone to go with. Um... Weird.) He asked the girl to the dance the day before Thanksgiving and eagerly awaited the girl's response (typically a "yes" in these circumstances, unless you're a real dirtbag and turn the kid down). Well, several weeks later, there we were last Sunday night. Still no answer from this girl. This was clearly frustrating for Mr. Christensen the Younger, especially considering how long it takes to answer somebody. Per current Mormon culture, you are expected to answer with some elaborate puzzle which makes the ask-er wade through 15 minutes of monotony before they finally find "YES" inscribed on the last Cheerio in the box. Ridiculous. But no matter how you answer, the longest it should take would be like three or four days. A week, tops. The dance is this weekend and, as of the last time I checked, still no answer. After a night full of high school drama, COdy, through an interpreter, apparently, found out that the girl has been really busy and stressed out and that she would probably answer him in the next couple days. You've got to be kidding me. Cody's a really nice kid and he wants to avoid any drama at all costs, but I was livid. I say ditch the girl. She waited three weeks to "probably answer in the next couple days," holding Cody hostage until six days before the dance. Cody could have done many things in those six days, including finding another girl who was actually interested in going with him, but this girl is too stressed and too busy to even give him a phone call and either say "yes, I'm going" or "no, no thanks." That's just ridiculous.


There will undoubtedly be some girls who take offense to this part of the Newsletter, but I don't care. If you're really that offended by my opinions, stop reading. These are things that need to be said. Something that I have experienced and honestly grown used to at this point is asking somebody on a date, say, a week in advance and not hearing back from them for a few days. Once it gets to be Wednesday, I panic a little bit, but try not to worry. Surely they'll let me know that they're excited for the date, right? Thursday comes and there are still no responses to my multitude of texts, phone calls, or instant messages. Finally, there comes an answer on Friday afternoon - "I've been really, really busy. You don't understand. I've got family stuff going on, I have things happening in my life... blah blah blah." Why did you say yes to the date then?? Or why didn't you tell me that you couldn't go? What if I hadn't been so persistent in asking again and again if you were still planning on going? I feel like a dang fool in these situations. If there's anything that makes you seem like you're dying to propose, it's being pushy about the first date. Makes you seem like you only want a serious relationship. But when the girl never responds, what are you supposed to do? Sit there and wait? I still wonder what ever would have come of my little scenario back from the summer of 2009 if I never asked that girl what the heck was going on. She certainly was in no hurry to tell me.

I know this generation is all about women's rights and girl power and self-entitlement and all that, which is all fine and good to a certain extent. People have often told me, "Oh, the right one will come along when you least expect it... She'll just come out of nowhere and fall into your lap." I highly doubt that. I have always felt like that if I stopped trying, nobody would be trying at all. Girls these days expect guys to put forth all the effort, but, in my personal experience, putting forth effort means that you're trying to marry that person immediately, which is not even CLOSE to the case. Sorry, ladies. Girls want to sit back and be pampered and be chased and, quite frankly, I think that's a bunch of crap. Obviously, if you're interested in somebody you'll want to treat them right, but why on Earth should I - or a nice guy like my younger brother, Cody - waste our time, effort, and energy on somebody who is not willing to give us the time of day? Again, I'm sure I just offended the typical five or six girls that always complain in the comments section of the blog site or text me about my opinions on dating, but I hope that I did! If I offended you with what I just said, that's a really good sign - it either means that I've called you to repentance for your wicked ways or it means that you've never met any stuck up, shallow, entitled girls like the ones I've run into in the last couple years... and if that's the case, don't leave your house. Stay the way you are and pray that one day a guy will "come out of nowhere and fall into your lap." Because that's the way it works.


So last night I was sitting on my bed, adorned in crimson red, pondering the vast expanses of the universe. Upon the close of my solitary meditation, I arose to commence my nightly ritual of taking out my contacts and brushing my teeth. As I gazed into the mirror of the ruggedly handsome reflection that appeared, I noticed something - the drawstring to the hood of my Utes sweatshirt was gone! Gone! I could have sworn that it was there earlier in the day. I mean, that's not something that I consciously notice all the time. It's something that's just there. It would be like somebody cutting a chunk of hair out of the back of my head... I probably wouldn't notice it was gone until I actually noticed that it was gone... and then it would bug the heck out of me. So, um, if anybody finds a long, red shoelace-type thing without an owner, please let me know. R.I.P. Drawstring. 2010-2011.

Stranger than fiction.

Once upon a time in a land known as Snow College, I was listening to some college radio, as I was often prone to do. One of my least favorite shows of the week was on, but I continued listening anyway. A soulful singer crooned a tune likely to be found under the genre "easy listening." The DJs got back on the air. "That was... a song by... Michael... Bubble?" commented one confused disc jockey. "Bubble?" chimed in the other DJ. "What kind of a stupid name is that?" I thought silently, "What kind of stupid DJs are these? Anyhow, I'd like to personally thank Michael Buble for mixing things up with his new Christmas CD, giving us 15 new renditions of the 15 Christmas songs we already have 15-hundred renditions of.

Michael Bubble?? What kind of a present is that?

The Boo Box for this Issue has a clear-cut champion. He came hyped as one of the greatest football players in the history of collegiate sports in Utah. Yes, we're speaking of Jake Heaps, the former starting quarterback for the Brigham Young Cougars. And when I say "former starting quarterback," what I really mean to say is former former starting quarterback. Right off the bat, Jake Heaps was being listed right up there with the legends of BYU: Steve Young, Ty Detmer, you name it. Jake Heaps was the next big deal - or so they said. I never thought the kid was that good. His freshman year kicked off with a come-from-behind battle with golden boy Riley Nelson for the starting job, which he eventually "won," much to the glee of many BYU fans and head coach Bronco Mendenhall. His stats were never really that impressive last year until the end of the year when there was a dip in competition. He failed to bring his team from behind in last year's rivalry game against Utah. This year was not much better, if at all, as Heaps led the monumental collapse against the Utes in week three of the season, which, need I remind you, ended in a seven-turnover, 54-10 shellacking at the hands of the Beloved Utes. After a thorough beatdown through three quarters of the BYU-Utah State game, Riley Nelson was taken out and substituted for Riley Nelson, much to the glee of many BYU fans and head coach Bronco Mendenhall. Nelson was slated at the starter for the majority of the remainder of the season, with the exception of a couple games that the golden boy missed due to injury, but even then, the fan base, the coaching staff, and many of his own teammates had given up of Heaps, the number-one, five-star high school recruit. Yesterday, Heaps announced that he would be transferring from BYU in an effort to find a "fresh start" somewhere else. What a baby. What a loser. Never liked the guy, never will. At the first sign of conflict or competition, he books it out of there. Wussy boy. Finally, something that BYU fans and I can all agree about. Get outta town, don't come back, and don't let the door hit ya... Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

He's not so smiley now.

The fantasy football Game Ball this week goes to Shonn Greene from Team TARDIS. Greene rushed for 22 times, racking up 88 rushing yards and three TDs. Additionally, three catches for 26 yards totaled 46.40 fantasy points. The great thing about all of this is that Greene was on the bench for all of this, keeping me in first place for the time being. Wonderful. Oh, and by the way, I hate him, but Cam Newton's three rushing TDs set a new NFL record for quarterbacks and bolstered my total points by an additional 50. Four weeks left in the season and it's a race to the finish line!

Thanks.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to Arianna Quinto Linares, a former recent convert of mine from my LDS mission who may or may not still read the Newsletter. As I woke up yesterday morning, I saw a message from Arianna which made my week. Arianna and her sister, Oliva, were baptized in the first weekend of December, 2006. Arianna reminded me that she had just celebrated the five-year anniversary of that occasion and I had to stop, think, and do some math for a little bit. I can't believe it has been that long! I'm getting old. Five years as an active member! That's AWESOME! That's not all the good news, either. She also informed me that what was once known as the "Spanish Branch" in Raleigh has, at long last, been upgraded from "branch" to "ward"!! Congratulations to the Raleigh Spanish 3rd Ward! And that's not all!! Finally, she told me that she recently received a new calling at church - Relief Society President!! WOW!! That's so awesome! Congratulations, Arianna! You make me so proud and you continue to be an incredible example to me! Thank you for your hard work and continued faithfulness.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. As a quick heads-up, in the next couple weeks, keep an eye on the right side of the blog page. I'll be adding my annual "Best of" poll to let you, my Loyal Subscribers, to vote on which of the bounteous events in the year of our Lord, two thousand and eleven, were the best things to happen to me in the past 365 days. The "Best of 2011": coming soon to "Signs of the Times"! Happy Tuesday night to you. Hope all is well and, more than anything, hope we make it onto "The Amazing Race."

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron