Signs of the Times, Issue No. 179 - 10/25/11

How could anybody be scared of "Hamburger Face"??

Greetings to one and all. Happy Tuesday to you and welcome. Welcome to my Newsletter. Take a seat. Make yourselves at home. Halloween is just around the corner, coming up this next Monday. I'm not a big fan of the so-called holiday, let's be honest. But I do have a thing or two to say about it. It's "Spooky Tuesday" today at "Signs of the Times," where we'll celebrate the spookiest stuff this side of the Jordan River. Topics to be discussed today: The sweetest costume ideas you've ever heard, the best part of Halloween, the scariest movies in the history of the world, Craig T.'s rise to relevance, why dentists don't make bank in November, Hashtag Mania, and the spookiest last name in the NFL. On we go!

When it comes to holidays, everybody procrastinates. Last-minute Christmas shopping, last-minute runs to the supermarket for a Thanksgiving turkey, and last-minute Halloween costumes. Here's a list of some great costume ideas:

- A toaster. When was the last time you saw a toaster Halloween costume? Probably, like, never.

- Kid Vid or any of the old Burger King Kids Club characters from . Those guys were awesome. Google it.

- Steve from "Blues Clues." Find yourself a nice, striped sweater and your Handy Dandy Notebook and you've got yourself a costume!

- Your least favorite college professor. You know you've always wanted to mock them. Now you can!

- Yourself in 30 years. Use your imagination.
- Michael Jackson from his "Thriller" video. See how many people you can scare. People might think M.J. is actually back from the dead.

- Michael Jackson from any of his other music videos. See how many people you can scare.

- A-Town. Despite my amazing suggestion on Facebook last week, any actual A-Town costumes remain to be seen. I just wanted to see if anyone would do it.
- The Bride of A-Town. Again, I just want to see if anyone will do it.

Remember these guys?

The best thing about Halloween is "The Monster Mash." Hands down, no contest. That is one of the best songs ever written. Deep down, when the rubber meets the road (no idea what that means), this is a song about a guy that was working in his lab late one night who stumbles upon something wonderful. That's a great American success story. The guy is working hard. Working the night shift. That's something nobody enjoys. So imagine his elation as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and discovered that his project - his monster - arose from his undead state to do the Mash! He did the Monster Mash! Then, as if in a musical, it caught on in a flash. Everybody began to do the Monster Mash! This thing was so catchy that neighbors, ghouls, and creepy-crawlies all came over to party with him. Isn't that what everyone longs for? To be popular? To be the life of the party? Wolfman was there, Dracula and his son came together, zombies were having fun, and on top of all that, the Crypt-Kicker Five showed up! That would be, what?, the equivalent of like... the Rolling Stones, or something? That's incredible. The popularity of the Monster Mash surpassed all previous Halloween boogies. The success of this little jig caused Dracula, himself, to exclaim in agony, "Whatever happened to my 'Transylvania Twist?" Imagine creating something so incredible - a hamburger, for instance - that would cause the late Wendy's founder, Dave Thomas, to weep. Can you imagine that? Happily, the Count eventually became part of the band, embracing the Mash with his whole, cold heart. But perhaps - and I'm just realizing this now - the best part of this entire song is one of the final lines: "For you, the living, this mash was meant, too/When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you." Do you realize what he just did?? He just Moved It, Sold It, and Left the Door Open!!

It was a graveyard smash.

Another thing I'm not really a fan of is scary movies. I just don't really understand the whole notion of spending time or money on something that will intentionally render me incapable of sleep for days on end. But I've seen a few in my day and I took to the Facebook to ask you, my readers and my virtual friends to tell me what some of the scariest movies that you have seen. Here are some of the best responses (and I quote):

Ammon Hatch: "The end of year band video. That Brunsonator villain was terrifying."
Sarah Sonntag: "You got served. I dont ever want to be served like those guys were"
Suzy Petersen: "When I was little, I watched Disney's super awesome classic Mr. Boogity.....scared me to death...I think I still have a slight fear of glowing footprints across ceilings..."
Me: "Suzy - we make fun of my younger brother Cody on almost a weekly basis (yesterday, in fact) for his fear of Mr. Boogedy... BOOGEDY! BOOGEDY! BOO!! hahaha"
Cody Christensen: ".. i hate you.. lol"
Austin Christensen: "Red Dawn. I think you know why."
Lex Jorgensen: "Goosebumps. Night of the Living Dummy. Have you ever seen Slappy the creepy puppet doll who likes to terrorize children? Chucky has nothing on him..."
Jake Rands: "The Neverending Story(second one I think) because that werewolf thingy terrified me. I had noghtmares about it for over a month."
Janae Balibrea: "Neverending Story... What's NOT scary about it? The horrible effects, the music, the acting... heavens me."

Then Jessica Turner, Nicole Paul, and Natalie Porter started talking about actual scary movies, which... come on, people... do you think that I, A-Town, have actually seen any of these movies? No. Never. Except for "The Sixth Sense", which seriously scared the heck out of me as a child. As if seeing the movie, itself, wasn't scary enough, I saw it in the dollar theater with my brother's friend sitting a row behind me and throwing popcorn at my head the entire time. Seriously. It was scary. Another frightening movie moment in my life was the time my family went to see "Independence Day" and came out of the theater at night to see the lunar eclipse. I thought the aliens had finally come for us.

"In the words of my generation..."

Horror films have provided us with some of the bloodiest, goriest, and scariest moments in history, as well as some of the worst rating and poorest acting. But really, what would a segment about classic scary movies be without taking a moment to reflect on the great cinematic accomplishments of our old friend, Craig T. Nelson, star of the classic spooky movie, "Poltergeist"? Other than being a close family friend with a quick wit and incredibly good looks, Craig T. is also, in my humble opinion, one of the most underrated American actors since the late 1960s. Let's pause and re-enact one of the greatest scenes in movie history in a little segment I like to call Rekindling the Hollywood Flame. Here he is - our friend, Craig T. Nelson, in 1982's horror film, "Poltergeist":


"You son of a #*@&! You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a #*@&, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! You-only-moved-the-headstones! Why? Why?!"


Thanks, Craig T. Thanks for that. [Editor's note: This counts as the Shoutout of the Week.]

"Carol Ann??"

You know what I hated as a kid? Those dentists who thought they'd be clever and give out tooth brushes to Trick-or-Treaters instead of candy. That's P.M.U.!! You'd think they'd give out that best candy of all to ensure that the kiddies got more cavities. More candy = more cavities. More cavities = more business... and more business = more money. Come on, people.




How about a nice round of Hashtag Mania as the Halloween madness keeps rolling? Here's what my peeps on Twitter had to say this week, using the hashtag #nowTHATSscary:

@Nickle490: finding a zit before a big date  #nowTHATSscary

@SaysJanae: A teacher's "look."  #nowTHATSscary

@AdventureRyan:  #nowTHATSscary 2 children in Middle School.

@atownmania: Watching Chaz Bono on #DWTS...  #nowTHATSscary

@atownmania: Watching Carrie Ann Inaba cry after watching Chaz Bono on #DWTS...  #nowTHATSscary

@AdventureRyan:  #nowTHATSscary Clowns

@crackalacka22:  #nowTHATSscary breast feeding in public. Yikes.

@atownmania: The number of my high school classmates that have already been married, divorced, and married again.  #nowTHATSscary #classof05

@SaysJanae: Ghost Adventures and the host's biceps.  #nowTHATSscary

@atownmania: @SaysJanae The fact that there is a channel out there actually willing to air "Ghost Adventures."  #nowTHATSscary #bicepflex

@AdventureRyan:  #nowTHATSscary Unibrows

@atownmania: Hot chicks with ugly boyfriends.  #nowTHATSscary

@AdventureRyan:  #nowTHATSscary baseball players' tobacco chewing in HD.

@AdventureRyan:  #nowTHATSscary Senior Citizens wearing baseball uniforms. (I'm talking to you, LaRussa!)

@deejmbl: The moment you realize you are start[ing] to fall  #nowTHATSscary

@crackalacka22:  #nowTHATSscary Utah's QB sitch

@AdventureRyan:  #nowTHATSscary Occupy Provo

@atownmania: Listening to @Codeman013 singing Taylor Swift.  #nowTHATSscary

@atownmania: 8th graders that try to use hashtags on their Facebook status updates.  #nowTHATSscary #IncorrectUseOfHashtags

@SaysJanae: @atownmania Adults who try to use hashtags on their facebook status (when they don't even have a Twitter).  #nowTHATSscary

@snorlex622:  #nowTHATSscary heavy girls wearing scandalous Halloween costumes

@atownmania: The fact that @gabbygayle19 has a better iPod than I do.  #nowTHATSscary

@deejmbl: you realize that boy is a stalker and not just a friendly person...  #nowTHATSscary

@atownmania: Being double-powerbombed onto carpet that's thinner than school carpet.  #nowTHATSscary right @crackalacka22??

Ah, you never fail to impress, my friends. Good work, once again.

Now, for a very special edition of The Boo Box, let's all pretend we're dressed up in our spookiest costumes ever. We're in a dark alleyway, hiding behind several large dumpsters. We hear someone approaching, out on the street. They're getting closer... Closer... We try to fight back our excitement, mixed with nervous giggles from the females. Inching closer to us. Ever closer. We can see them just around the corner. Scary faces at the ready! Ready? One... Two... Three... Everybody together now -BOOOOOO!! Haha, oh man, that was great. We scared the heck out of them.

He never saw it coming.

The fantasy football Game Ball goes to my very own Drew Brees of the A-Town Assassins, who led my squadron of gridiron warriors to a dominant week, catapulting us back into first place in the league. Great work, Mr. Brees. Your 31 completions for 325 yards, five TDs, and 49.75 fantasy points (in three quarters of work, might I add), are well-deserving of recognition. Honorable mention goes to Arian Foster of Gridlock, who earned over 70 fantasy points, which is just ridiculous, but I had to go with Brees for two reasons: First, my team had 85 more points than the team that came in second place during week seven, and second, because Brees is like a breeze... like the kind of breeze that causes wind chimes to make sounds. I hate wind chimes. Easily the spookiest sound in the world and almost a dead giveaway that somebody is about to be murdered. Eeehhhhhh!!

Somebody's about to die.

That's about it for this week, children. Keep an eye out for Webisode 4.0, which should be up sometime in the next seven days. If things go according to plan, it will feature me going ghost hunting and at least one reference to Craig T. Nelson. Now take a piece of candy - JUST ONE, TUBBY! - and be on your way.

Until next Time,

Move It!  Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron