Signs of the Times, Issue No. 176 - 10/04/11

Wake me up when September ends.

Greetings to one and all. My name is Aaron and, you heard it correctly - it's Tuesday! This is my Newsletter, "Signs of the Times" - The People's Champion since 2008 - and we've got plenty of things to talk about today, as usual. Topics to be discussed today: My upgraded life, what I'd do with $10,000, the real problem with dating these days, the most ridiculous fans in all of college football... scratch that... second-most ridiculous fans in college football (Boise State is the worst), and the one reason why I haven't completely thrown in the towel on the PAC-12. Ready?? On we go!

Well, my friends and anonymous blog stalkers, I've finally made the jump into the new millennium. I've ordered a smartphone. My current "dumbphone" has bee a warrior - easily the most durable phone I've had in the modern age of texting. But, sadly, in his old age, I'm finally moving on after two years of use. That's all I have to say for now. I'll receive my new HTC Incredible 2 later on this week, but for right now, all I really think is that I'll probably look like a fool for the first couple days as I try to figure out this thing they call a "touch screen." I knew I was in trouble when my mom got a more hi-tech iPod than the one I use, but now I will lead the Christensens into the future of technology. I'm sure I'll keep you posted with my misadventures in smartphoning, but for now, that is all. Tell me which apps are cool or something.

It was a good phone...

**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "Dear Aaron,
Would you rather spend $500 on the new iPhone 5 when it's released later on this month or buy 500 songs for Rock Band?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties

A. 500 songs for Rock Band. (SALUTE!)


Q. "Dear A-Town:

I have a silly Question, that has no relevance to anyone.What would you do with $10,000? Let's assume to your good upstanding character and credit that you would naturally respond with some very responsible things, like paying off student loans, etc. Good for you. Let's say that your mysterious benefactor beat you to the punch and already paid off those things, so you seriously have $10,000 dollars to do anything with. Whaddya do?"

I look forward to your response.

-Dallin


A. How much does it cost to live in outer space with a pet monkey? More than $10,000, I suppose. First of all, I think I'd go get my own place. My short-lived attempt to find a place in the last month and a half or so fell flat for one reason or another, but that's the next step for A-Town. I can only play that "24-year-old college graduate living in his parents' basement" for so long, you know? So that's perhaps the first thing I'd do. Once I got the place, I'd need a sweet set up so Mike Holmes could come over and play those 500 Rock Band songs that he doesn't want me to buy, so I'd want a huge TV. Along with the huge TV, I'd need to augment my movie collection, so I'd get a bunch of the new movies that have recently come out (including the Star Wars Blu-ray set which looks better and better every time I see it on the TVs at Wal-Mart) and I'd also need to go out of my way to find some of the more rare, older movies that I currently don't possess. My trip to Disneyland back in April only ended up being around $700 and Disneyland is the best place ever, so I'd go again - and I'd take you with me, Dallin. Once we got back, our feet would be pretty tired so we'd really enjoy having a massage chair to relax in as we watched Star Wars on Blu-ray. Gotta get one of those. I'm notoriously cheap as far as my pantry is concerned, so I could stock up with some good food and have a big barbecue. After all that partying, I'd go crash (alone, mind you) on my huge new heart-shaped bed - but not before turning on my fluorescent, six-foot-tall lava lamps in each corner of the room. As I lay there to rest, I'd gaze up at a giant, hand-painted mural of myself on the ceiling. Ahh... yes. Yes... Can I do all of that for under $10,000?

They call me "Money Bags."

Q. "I saw you in the commercial for EFY in between sessions of conference. True or untrue?"
- Dallin


A. What?!? If I was on a commercial in between sessions of Conference, I'm unaware of it... but I wouldn't doubt it. You may also have seen my in such other fabled EFY video clips as "The Week in Preview: Variety Show" and some training video about why participants shouldn't text during classes. That was some seriously great acting.

So there I was last night sitting on the couch, watching Monday Night Football, and eating from a 1.5 quart tub of S'mores ice cream. My dad and my brother Cody both asked me if things were going rough with the women-folk. Did they not perhaps consider that maybe I just really like ice cream?

Speaking of women, let's take a moment and reflect back on the General Conference that was, October 2011. As Curtis Gardner pointed out so very astutely, two topics that are normally General Conference mainstays were missing in action this past weekend: pornography and marriage - two huge problems with young adults these days. I'm not touching the first one. But what about marriage?? Six months ago, men took a major beating as the Brethren told single Mormon men to get down to business. I, among with many other eligible bachelors in the LDS world, took that advice to heart, appropriately adjusting our social habits and reaching out to our female counterparts in and effort to potentially find "the one." To some extent, my efforts were rewarded. I feel like I was able to get to know many young ladies out there, but, alas, here I am six months later, single as ever. I was really kind of hoping that this Conference would be the equivalent of last Conference, but for the women. I wanted Elder Holland to come out and tell the women that it was their turn to increase their efforts. And what did we get? Nothing. Nothing at all. Sister Dalton's talk on Sunday was about women, but what did she say? Oh, you know. The usual. That they're great, beautiful, and don't need to change a thing. I agree. Women are great. Girls are special. No argument there. But if only I had a penny for every time I tried calling or texting a girl, only to get a quick response saying "I'm soooo busy, I'm sorry that I never respond. Talk to me in November." Clearly somebody needs to go back and re-read Elder Oaks' talk from April Conference. Go re-read it, ladies. I'm telling you. Perhaps it's not only the men that are the problem. Ever thought of that? What were Elder Oaks' words? Oh yes: "...[T]here are some young women whose desires for a worthy marriage and children rank far below their desires for a career or other mortal distinctions. Both men and women need righteous desires that will lead them to eternal life." Yyyyyeah. From all I could see in the past six months, the men were going way out of their way to date more and "hang out" less, but maybe the problem is that the girls are A) too busy being busy, B) too picky slash shallow, or C) too involved in catching up on the last couple seasons of "Jersey Shore," or D) just not interested in dating, whatsoever. Perhaps Elder Oaks wasn't specific enough in April. Hmm... Food for thought. My new stance is this: If you're too busy for me, why should I make time for you? I think that's fair.

Poor guy can't get a date. She's too busy.

Ah yeah, I've got something good for The Boo Box this week. Oh yeah. BYU fans. Hop on in. Let us think back three short weeks when the Utes beat the pants off of BYU at home in the rivalry game. Must I remind you that the Utes beat the Cougars 54-10 in a game that got so far out of hand that it wasn't even fun for me to watch? Last Friday night, after trailing all game long, BYU had a miraculous 98-yard drive in the final two minutes of the game that included two absolutely miraculous catches thrown by their Honor Code-violating back-up quarterback to form one of the most improbable comebacks in the history of Utah college football as they beat Utah State with a touchdown reception with 11 seconds on the clock. Miraculous, I tell you. The next night, the University of Utah lost their first-ever PAC-12 home game to the Washington Huskies in a game where the Utes were favored by 10 points in Vegas. Additionally, this was the first game for the Utes where Jordan Wynn actually looked good, which just blows my mind, but due to an injury, Wynn sat out virtually the entire second half, leaving the game in the hands of previously-unknown back-up quarterback, Jon Hays. Admittedly, the Utes turned the ball over three times in the redzone, which is inexcusable, but we should have beaten Washington. We ended up losing, 31-17. A 14-point loss. Could have been worse. Could have been 54-10 in a rivalry game. And yet, many BYU fans took the liberty to rub in the fact that the Utes lost last weekend. Why?, I ask. Why? Why would you do this? Did you see me gloating when my team demolished you in the rivalry game?? No. In fact, what was my status again? "Well, that was largely unexpected." Direct quote. Who are you, BYU fans, to ever rub it in any Utah fan's face when they lose - especially during a year when your team lost to the Utes by 44 points? Ridiculous. These are the same fans who Booed Riley Nelson off the field last year because they hated them so much. Now they're Booing Jake Heaps off the field because they want Riley Nelson back. Pshh... Make up your minds, people. I'm probably the only one other than Austin and Scott Aylett who will Boo you, but Boo you, I shall. Austin? Scott? Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!! Ridiculous. And if I ever hear anybody make fun of Jordan Wynn's hair after seeing Riley Nelson take every opportunity to flip his hair around when he had his helmet off during that Utah State game, I'll slap them.  [Editor's note: According to @DJPKKFAN on Twitter, Riley Nelson has cut his hair. He apologized for letting it grow. Good.]

These fans love BYU. But more than anything, they hate Utah.

Well, this week's Game Ball has one clear winner after week five of the NFL season. As much as it pains me to do so, I've got to give this week's accolades to Mr. Jake and Team TARDIS, whatever that means, for Aaron Rodgers' freakish performance. Rodgers had 29 completions for 408 yards and four passing TDs with two rushing TDs, as well, for an almost sickening outcome of 73.42 fantasy points, propelling the TARDees back into first place for the time being. Congratulations, sir. Good work. But if you think the season is over yet, you're wrong. That's impossible... unless you're referring to one point last season when Austin's team had one monstrous week and the season was essentially over after that. But other than that, it never happens.

Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood is in good spirits.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to the PAC-12. Yes, the PAC-12. Though the Utes' conference championships will practically be over now that Jordan Wynn is out two to three weeks with another shoulder injury, at least I can revel in the fact that I won some stuff on Twitter from the PAC-12 a couple weeks ago. I got my incredibly sleek and stylish University of Utah hoodie in the mail last week and, my, is it pleasant? Thank you, PAC-12, for the free stuff... and thank you for responding to my tweets.

That's about it for this week, children. Just remember - when life gets you down and people tell you you're not cool, it could always be worse. It could be Monday.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron