Signs of the Times, Issue No. 178 - 10/18/11

Give your eyeballs a bit of a break. My fingers aren't usually this lazy.

Greetings to one and all on a lovely October Tuesday. My name is Aaron and I approved this Newsletter. As I pondered on things to talk about this week, my mind was caught up on a certain topic: things that I never want to do again. All of us have those sorts of things in our lives, don't we? Things we've foolishly tried out, things we thought would be awesome but ended up being lame. You know what I'm talking about. Welcome, my friends, to "Never Again" Tuesday. Topics to be discussed: the Top Five ways not to get a date, today's top tweets, and the most undeserving Game Ball ever! But first, a topic I'd rather never talk about ever again: death. Sort of. On we go!


A few weeks ago, Nicole Paul asked me to do an Issue about bucket lists. You know, a list of things you want to do before you die. I don't want to die, so I tend to try not to think about it, so I guess I don't have much of a bucket list. There are a few things that I'd like to do, however. I've never been big into the whole European travel thing, but there are a lot of places in the United States I'd like to visit. An awesome goal would be to see a Major League Baseball game in every stadium in the league. I've seen games in Denver, Seattle, and San Francisco and I think it would be awesome to see all the other ballparks in the country (and Canada). Another thing I'd love to do is see an NFL game. This is tricky since we don't have a team here and 90% of football games are on Sundays, but maybe I'd go catch a Monday night game in Denver sometime or something like that. There area few bands I'd like to see in concert, Weezer being the chief among them, along with a few classic rock bands. I saw Bon Jovi with Ed Rothlisberger back in April and that was cool, other than the part where I got beer spilled down my back. I'd say skydiving, but there's no way to guarantee that the parachute will open. I think it would be a blast to do it, but I just can't. I know there's like a less-than-1% chance of it not opening, but that less-than-1% scares the crap out of me. And finally, I think it would be hilarious-slash-kind-of-awesome to go see a pro wrestling event one of these days if I can get really cheap tickets. I think I owe it to them for all the catch phrases I've stolen from them over the years.

On the open road.

One topic that begs to be discussed on "Never Again" Tuesday is that of dating. In my illustrious dating career, I've come across my fair share of bad experiences. And, indeed, in these instances, I am left with no other choice than to say "never again." Here are the Top Five ways not to get another date

:
#5 - Mess with their family

Hasn't happened to me yet, thankfully, but if it does, I'll go postal. Nobody messes with A-Town, but more importantly, nobody messes with A-Town's family.

#4 - Tell your date to come over but don't give them your address

In fact, be as vague about it as possible. Get them in the general vicinity and let them drive around until they give up.

#3 - Post engagement-esque pictures of yourself with anybody but them all over Facebook

Nothing quite steams the proverbial carrots like going on a date with somebody and then seeing them posing in pictures with somebody else all over your news feed on Facebook. You don't take pictures with your face 2" away from somebody else's unless you like them a little bit. What's worse is when their secret lover isn't even attractive. At all.

#2 - Get evicted from your apartment complex for coming home drunk

Tell them it was all a practical joke so you hid an empty bottle of vodka in your roommate's cupboard and then spend the rest of the afternoon throwing up because you were "carsick." If they're smart, they'll put the two and two together eventually.

#1 - Send scandalous pictures of your exes

Let them take you on a date and spend the entire time trashing them. Tell them they're too skinny, too good, too Mormon, and that their hair sucks... Once they bring the date mercifully to an end, send them pictures of some of your exes then tell them that this is the kind of person you're used to dating. [Editor's note: Issue No. 140 remains the most popular and most talked-about Newsletter to date.]

Dating...

For this edition of Hashtag Mania, I asked my followers to use the Hashtag #NeverAgain and here are their responses:

@atownmania: I once agreed to try a free sample at the supermarket without knowing what it was. #NeverAgain

@SaysJanae: Taking Benadryl at the beginning of a work day. #NeverAgain

@SaysJanae: Cutting my hair to my chin. #NeverAgain

@SaysJanae: Doing an intense workout a day after donating blood. #NeverAgain

@SaysJanae: Eating an oyster. #NeverAgain Thanks, Parents.

@gabbygayle19: Clam digging. #NeverAgain

@gabbygayle19: Eating escargot. #NeverAgain

@crackalacka22: me being a john Cullen fan #neveragain

@SaysJanae: Leaving my car unlocked. #NeverAgain

@atownmania: @SaysJanae Leaving my car locked... with the keys inside. #NeverAgain

@JaredAAnderson: Opened a Jane Austen novel. #NeverAgain

@crackalacka22: go to idaho #neveragain

@deejmbl: @crackalacka22 @atownmania Am I offended? Yes.

@atownmania: @deejmbl You are the only good thing about Idaho. The ONLY thing.

@deejmbl: @atownmania I accept.

@atownmania: Feeling sympathy for NBA players.#NeverAgain

@deejmbl: eating 4 candy bars and a block of fudge for dinner. #NeverAgain

@atownmania: Attempting to go on two dates with two different girls on New Year's Eve. #NeverAgain

@atownmania: Clarification: I DID go on two dates with two different girls one New Year's Ever. It was a horrible, horrible experience.

@deejmbl: becoming besties [with] all the efy workers.... #NeverAgain

@atownmania: @deejmbl Agreed.

@deejmbl: Pretending I don't love Street Fighter #NeverAgain

@Nickle490: gave someone a second chance #NeverAgain

@Nickle490: went to a frat party #neverever #NeverAgain

@Nickle490: flew standby on sout west #NeverAgain

@crackalacka22: @Nickle490 flying standby period. #NeverAgain

@AdventureRyan: #NeverAgain hike along the Iranian border.

Ah, good stuff. And for all of you who still... who STILL refuse to participate, #NeverAgain.

X-nay.

This week's fantasy football Game Ball goes to an unexpected recipient - Plaxico Burress of Your Daddy's Eagles. Plaxico had one catch for 16 yards and 2.10 fantasy points. Good job. Enjoy your award this week... because with stats like that, the next time you'll get any sort of recognition will be... Never Again.

Not good.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to my friend, Ashlee Dansie. Not really sure if she has ever read the Newsletter, not sure if she ever will... But she's awesome and makes everybody laugh. It's been a rough couple weeks for my friend, Ashlee, but I think she's great and I hope that she's having a great Tuesday. Oh, and in the event that you do actually see this, James P. wants you to add him on Facebook.

Here's a quick non-Never Again plug for my incredible Webisodes. Check out my YouTube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/user/tarheelglory19?feature=mhee That's some good stuff that will leave you pleading for more, more, more. In Webisode 3.0, I get my first smartphone and go to town at my family Halloween party. You know you wanna!

How about that, people? That's about it for this week. Kind of a short Newsletter, right? Well... Never Again.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron