Signs of the Times, Issue No. 86 - 12/29/09

'Tis colder outside than the glare of a beggar just given good advice... - Gary Goulding

Greetings to one and all on this final Tuesday morning of 2009. What a year, what a year... Wow. But if you're glad this decade is over, put your fist in the air and scream, "IT'S MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!!" Topics to be discussed: Christmas, the headband bandwagon, taking dates to parties - or not, New Year's Resolutions, the return of the Trans-Christensen Orchestra, things nobody will ever miss, the most hated Issue of all Time??, and the Snuggiest Review in the history of the Newsletter. Let's all take hold of each other's hand and step into the next decade together. On we go!

Christmas here at "Signs of the Times" was a huge success. Not only has the new family Wii been keeping me fit, but Craig T. and Donny Osmond came over yesterday and my mom wouldn't stop playing Beatles Rock Band until 11:00 at night. Perhaps the best news of the holiday, though, was that we only had to go dumpster diving for three presents... and we found all three of them. Now the real Question is how they got there in the first place...

Cody almost fell in. I shouldn't have caught him.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "I was wondering... Where can I find such a stylish headband? I was thinking I would try to incorporate one into my wardrobe and, by doing so, start a new fashion trend..."

Love,

- The wondrous Washington girl

A. Well, "wondrous Washington girl," I got my famous headband at Fanzz at South Towne Mall for seven dollars back in 2004 or 2005. Obviously, it's treated me well since then. When it comes to incorporating a headband into one's personal wardrobe, one must be very careful, considering several factors before making such a decision. Is the headband really the wisest choices? Are there other things that should be of higher priority than a headband at this point in the person's life? And would this person look good in a headband in the first place? After closely examining the responses to these criterion, among others, a wise and eco-friendly decision can be reached. But as far as starting a new fashion trend goes, you are currently a few steps behind the likes of A-Town and Jason "The Barbarian" Moffat in the headband department. I hope you find this advice useful in your never-ending search for style.

This is not cool.

Q. "Hey A-Town,

Did you have a date to any Christmas parties this year?"

Wishing you the best this holiday season,

- The Fan Club

A. Yeah. Same date that I had last year. I'll post a gorgeous picture on the blog site...

She's a hottie.

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Have any New Year's Resolutions?"

Just Curioius,

- The Junior Mounties

A. Yeah, I guess. I'd really like to incorporate a hula hoop into next year's Trans-Christensen Orchestra performance since we couldn't quite do it this year. By the way, if you're interested in seeing the latest XCO performance, go to http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1277769340340. It's flippin' hilarious... especially watching people in the audience. P.S. I totally almost fell on my face at 3:16... and I had to edit out a wardrobe malfunction, too. Good Times. (SALUTE!!)

An absolute masterpiece.

If your New Year's Resolution for 2010 is to actually send in a Question, here's the dirt you need to know. The new email address is aaronchristensen1986@yahoo.com. Send your emails accordingly.

The great thing about the new year is that it's out with the old and in with the new. "Signs of the Times" would now like to present the Top Five things that it will miss from 2009 and also look forward to in the new decade.

1 - Out with the swine flu - I am still under the impression that the swine flu was a huge joke. The only people who got it were the people who were overly paranoid about it or just got the regular flu and then assumed that it was the swine flu. I didn't worry about it and never feared contracting it and look at me - I'm fine. Get this junk out of my face.

1 - In with the horse flu - Bird flu, Mad Cow's Disease, swine flu... what's next? The kitten cold?

2 - Out with celebrity deaths - Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, Steve McNair, Patrick Swayze, Farah Faucett, and now Brittany Murphy? The talent pool is getting a little shallow in Entertainment-ville. I don't know what to do with myself.

2 - In with more celebrity deaths - I've got my money on Bob Barker, that grandma lady from "Everybody Loves Raymond," Wayne Newton (the man looks like he's been petrified), and the shocker of the year will be... Big Bird.

Say goodbye.

3 - Out with steroids scandals - Everybody's doing it. Let's face the music and move on to something more surprising.

3 - In with faulty equipment scandals - Wouldn't it be cooler if we found out that umpires had been injecting baseballs with the Juice, too?

4 - Out with the balloon boy - It was kind of a weird story, anyway.

4 - In with the balloon puppy - I think people would generally have much more sympathy for an adorable animal than a spoiled little brat any day.

5 - Out with Miley Cyrus - It still bothers me that the media is so obsessed with getting pictures of what she's wearing. Isn't she only 16 or 17? And isn't that illegal?

5 - In with that lady from "The Weakest Link" - She's not attractive, but she's strangely intriguing... and at least she's old enough to date, I guess.

So after all that hard work I put into "The Aaron that Stole Wednesday" last week, the Scubatron ratings meter is telling me that that Issue was probably the least popular, least cared about Issue in recent memory. I got a comment about it on the blog site from Andrea Chapman and there were two other anonymous comments (I hate that!!), but one of them just said that my Facebook page was messed up, so I deleted it. There's another New Year's Resolution for me - never rhyme again. It's becoming a forgotten art, in the sense that nobody cares about it anymore.

I'm packing up my rhymes and never getting them out again.

Desperate Times call for desperate measures. The fantasy football season is coming to a close and I'm still trailing my mom by 14 games at this point, which means she'd basically have to lose every single game for me to either tie her or maybe I could win by a game or two. So the predicament is whether I should pick all the underdogs and pray for a miracle and potentially lose by 25 games or so, or if I should use my head and hope to stay in third place by around 12 or 13 games. It's not looking Good. On the other hand, I'm still winning in my other fantasy league and should probably procure my leadership through the next week, unless something horrible happens, and I'm still ahead in my basketball league by over 1,000 points. I think they've all given up.

The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week goes to that quitter, Randy Moss, of "Utah By 5." He only had four catches for 45, but three of the catches were for touchdowns. Moss earned the Utes 22.50 fantasy points, which, for a quitter, isn't too shabby.

Everybody hates Randy.

Surely the Christmas season would have given me a few things to test out and, believe me, I've got a real doozie for you. My sister Amy and I got Snuggies for Christmas. Amy's is a pink Snuggie that I gave her in order to repay her for the time she dry cleaned my suit and mine is a red Weezer Snuggie, which I got as a companion to their "Raditude" CD. Honestly, the great thing about Amy's Snuggie is that, not only does it raise breast cancer awareness, but it also raises the awareness that there is somebody wearing a giant pink thing running around the house. It's awesome. But anyhoo, is the Snuggie all it's cracked up to be? Or is it just another infomercial sham? Well, my Snuggie is warm, it's lightweight, and it gives me that sought-after hands-free feeling. It's also ridiculously stylish to wear whilst lounging about the house. The drawbacks are these: That it doesn't stay on a hanger in my closet, that it's essentially a backwards bathrobe, and it would have made it difficult for me to dance around the living room for our XCO performance. I really wanted to wear it. Plus, since it's brand new, it still leaves little red fuzzies on my clothes after I take it off. The overall aim, though, is for comfort and for functionability... is that a word? But I think that the Snuggie accomplishes its mission statement - and it even came with a handy reading light, too, which will be late for those late nights when I want to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I'll give the Snuggie a rating of 7.5 out of 10, simply for the fact that it's extremely fashionable and sweet for now, but in a few months, we'll all look back and probably say, "That's so last decade!"

Functionality is key.

The final Boo Box of the year is that I've only heard from about four people (including myself) who would be interested in buying Boo Box shirts... and that's not nearly enough for this investment. Let me know, people. And if you have a design idea, uh... let me know. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

The Shoutout of the Week goes to everyone who ever subscribed to "Signs of the Times" in 2009. May you ring in the new year safely, soberly, and Seacrestly.

That's about all she wrote for the first decade of the new millennium. Next Issue, I think we'll recap the greatest hits of 2009 and uh... I guess... make fun of stuff that's happening in 2010.

...Getting ready for that sucker to drop...

Until next Time, next year, next decade,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron