"You see that door?" "Yes." "Don't let it hit you in the #*&." - My exit interview at Radio From Hell
Greetings, cyber world. This is Aaron Christensen, Mexico's favorite son speaking. All I can say is T.G.I.T. Couldn't have come at a better Time, believe me. Ain't that right, Scott Aylett? No beating ever given me via text, nor voice, nor email, nor Facebook could ever ruin a Tuesday. Tuesday saves lives. Good gracious. Topics to be discussed today: My semester in Hell, Five reasons we'll all miss the last four months, potentially giving Deron the shaft again, good company in the Jr. Jazz ranks, Rekindling the Hollywood Flame, Boo Box shirts, and your chance to change the future. On we go!
Yes, the rumors are true. I'm a free man for the Time being. I finished up my final projects at school and ended my internship, so I've got a month off now and I'll hopefully be able to sleep in and take it easy for a little bit. My time spent at X96 definitely deserves a mention in the Newsletter, as it played such a large role in my semester. For the last 14 weeks, I have been getting up at 4:17 in the morning to head downtown to an internship at a radio station called X96. Obviously, I'm not a huge fan of waking up at 4 in the morning every day, but I stuck with it and got three hours of college credit from it. Going into the opportunity, I realized that the station was quite liberal, due to some of the slang terms they frequently use on a daily basis, but I'm not sure I understood just how liberal it would end up being. I interned for the "Radio From Hell" program, which has been Salt Lake City's number one morning show for years. I soon saw that the three main DJs, Kerry, Bill, and Gina, hated Republicans, misunderstood Mormons, and berated their interns. Three strikes for me. They are quick and witty and sure know how to make a man feel like a fool - and this is coming from somebody who's not afraid of being on the air. I went on the air with them a couple times and left with my head down every time. It was a rough, rough 14 weeks. This poor treatment soon earned my Time spent there the description of "slave labor" and the nickname "the Internship From Hell." However, I am very grateful and thankful to my supervisor, "Richie T" Steadman, a fellow Mormon who treated me really well and always made the internship fun. It was a Good experience for me to spend time at a legitimate radio station to see how things work there and to learn a lot about the profession. I also developed a friendship with Marci, the new midday DJ, who is not only very nice, but also highly attractive. Am I glad it's over? Heck yeah? Would I do it again? Heck no, unless it was with a different show at a different time... but still, heck no. Not right now, anyway. For now, I'll just enjoy my sleep. I've learned that four hours of sleep per night doesn't do your body Good. At all.
As I mentioned, I recently finished my first semester at the University of Utah. I re-introduced the Top Five segment in last week's Newsletter and I'd like to use it again this week. Here, my friends, are the Top Five things I'll miss about my first semester at the U:
5) My two 45-minute naps on TRAX everyday - You get over the feeling that somebody's going to try to steal your stuff or molest you every time you close your eyes after about the third week. Trust me.
4) Brother Baker's inappropriate comments during Institute - The best one had to do with the transparency of clothes in Heaven. That's all I can say for now.
3) All the friends I made - Seriously, those kids are sooooo friendly, I don't know what I'll do with myself over the break.
2) The Swine Flu - That thing canceled like five class periods for me. I learned to love the Swine Flu... and may or may not have prayed that my teachers would contract it.
1) Comm and Gender - That class opened my eyes to a lot of things - literally - including, but not limited to, homosexual African-American transvestite beauty queens, tight pants, Mormon anti-Mormonism, the fact that I was NOT the most stylish man on campus, live belly dancing (by a terribly unattractive girl - sorry, but it's the truth), ecofeminism, and a man who brought his dog to class almost every day. That's right - I said it. I'm going to miss that dang class. I didn't like it, but it sure gave me a lot of junk to laugh at.
Well, the NBA All-Star voting is underway and last week they announced the initial standings for top vote-getters. Something highly disturbing caught the eye of many people around the nation. Houston Rockets shooting guard, Tracy "T-Mac" McGraddy... McGradey? McGruden? What was it? Anyhoo, he is the second highest vote-getter for Western Conference guards, beating out, most notably, Phoenix's Steve Nash and Utah's Deron Williams. Why is this so perturbing? Perhaps because T-Mac is far past his prime and is not anywhere near as talented as the Western Conference's elite guards today. And perhaps it's because he hasn't even stepped foot onto a basketball court so far this season. Two things, here. 1) Just another Sign of the Times proving me right - the NBA is corrupt and rigged. 2)That's P.M.U.!!
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q1. "What is your opinion regarding modern society's simply adding "ing" to any word, thus turning said word into a verb, even though this poor, innocent word was never meant to be a verb? For instance: Facebook-ing, text-ing, message-ing. We've become an epistemological chop shot! We refuse to use the words we have and simply invent new ones. Is this a further Sign of our linguistic laziness? (Don't you love that alliteration?)"
Q2. "How do you feel, knowing that you are a Jr. Jazz coach along with such greats as Dr. Richard Brunson? Will you be meeting Coach Brunson at the Jazz game on Jan. 2 to shake his hand or exchange a few heartfelt comments?"
- A Loyal Subscriber
A1. For those that don't know, I served a Spanish-speaking mission for the LDS Church, so I know all about making up words. That's essentially what Hispanic teens and children do when they grow up with a Spanish family in and English society. They get their words mixed up or simply guess if they don't know the proper word. They add the "-ando" or "-eando" ending to their words, which is the equivalent of "-ing"-ing a noun in English. For example, "obamando" would be the Spanish way to say... well, you get the picture. I'm all for it in Spanglish because it made me Feel like less of an idiot. As for English, I'm not sure I'm entirely sold thus far, but I think in a few minutes after I finish my Newslettering, I'll go sit at the dinner table with my family for a little omeleting.
A2. Sadly, I will not be in attendance at the Jan. 2 game. Scott Aylett and I have already taken our Mavericks to a Jazz game. We saw the Jazz beat the Pacers a couple weeks ago. At least they didn't play the Timberwolves. That's ridiculous. As far as being listed even in the same sentence as the honorable Dr. Richard Brunson, I can say it is truly an honor and the utmost pleasure. FYI, Scott and I coached our first game of the season last week. Our high school girls were up 12-6 at the half and really put the clamp down in the second half, winning by a score of 36-7. Scott seemed pretty pleased about it, but I was ticked. We should have won by probably 50. You should have seen all the fast break layups we were "bricking." Unbelievable. But we're still shooting for a perfect record this season. So far, so Good.
Take a break from all your finalsing and Christmas decorationing and send "Signs of the Times" a Question at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com
According to the Blog Poll last week, Subscribers have chosen to give my mom her own segment if - and that's a big "IF" - she wins our football Pick 'Em league. You're welcome.
Some of you may have seen my status update on Facebook Saturday night, stating that I am not very happy with my current employer. I was only scheduled to work one day again this week, for the third Time in a row, which will invariably lead to another puny paycheck. But like a Tuesday miracle, I was called into work today. I was supposed to work until 2:00 or 2:30 today but didn't get off until 4:00. That was kind of a bummer, but I suppose I can't complain. It's what I wanted, after all. So as of right now, I'm still employed and haven't put in my "two weeks" or anything like that... I've got my eyes open now though.
And now, as promised, it's time for a special edition of The Two-Minute Instant Message featuring Shane Baldwin, himself, who lived with me for six weeks in Raleigh, North Carolina. This is in remembrance of our daily lunchtime talk show segment called Rekindling the Hollywood Flame. I will be in red and Shane will be in green.
Drink that nog, boys. Drink that nog.
So, Shane, I remember we once had an extensive conversation about elves and such... Do you remember this at all?
Alright, I do remember a bit of the convo. It had to do with them having silver specks on their cheeks or something like that... how they were young, as well.
Do you consider Santa to be an elf? Or do you consider him more of a supervisor?
I believe Santa is a human, but, being the main coordinator of the elves, he has to live forever, so the elves put a spell on Santa to have him live forever in that state and age. The saying comes to me, "knowledge comes with age." The older you are, the wiser you are. The elves knew that and took full advantage of it.
That's P.M.U.!!, as the kids say nowadays.
Haha, so true. Do the elves get paid?
I don't believe so. I don't think that money exists at the North Pole. That's how they can afford to make all the toys that they want. Hey, as this is the firstRekindling the Hollywood Flame since 2006, shouldn't we quote a Christmas movie or something?
A good movie to quote would be "Elf" or "The Polar Express."
A good movie to quote would be "Elf" or "The Polar Express."
We have been talking about elves, haven't we?
"Say I'm an elf one more time!" "You're an elf."
"Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!"
"Would you like some syrup, Buddy?" "If syrup has sugar, then yes."
"You did it! Congratulations! World's Best Cup of Coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here!"
"Santa! I know him!... You're not Santa!"
"You smell like beef and cheese..."
Good man. Good, good man. Any final words to my readers?
Well, speaking of elves and how they're little people, little people get taken advantage of a ton. It's important to think of the little ones this Christmas 'cause they're the ones that make this world a little less crowded."
Wow.
A few Subscribers asked what the chances would be of me actually producing Boo Box shirts. I've done some searching and I found a place online where I could get some for about $15.00 a pop. I'd have to order at least six shirts - and the more shirts I order, the cheaper they are - and I'm not sure how great the quality would be. Plus, I'd need to have all the money before I placed the order, so it might take a while to get things set up. If you're interested in getting this ship off the ground or whatever they say, shoot me an email and let me know. Also let me know if you have a color and/or design preference. The idea I had would say "boo box." on the front and "Signs of the Times Newsletter" on the back. I originally designed it in yellow, but that could change if necessary.
Please vote for the Blog Poll this week. It will have consequential effects on next week's Christmas Issue. I'm not going to say too much here because I want to prick your curiosity just enough to get you to go look at the site and vote. So... just do it.
The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week this week is Brandon Marshall of the "Pocket Protectors," who caught an NFL record 21 receptions for two touchdowns on Sunday. Marshall's 42 fantasy points gave the "Pocket Protectors" just enough cushion to stay ahead of "Wicknasty" in the overall standings.
He's the man and he knows it.
The Shoutout of the Week goes to every single man in America that reads my Newsletter. I hope you're all living the Tuesday dream. And to "The Big Ticket," May you wallow in self-pity. We're long overdue for a sequel.
That's about it for this Issue. Vote for the poll and determine the future of my "Signs of the Times"-ing. Hope you enjoyed this year's Christmas Card. If you didn't get it, here it is:
Happy Holidays from Donny, A-Town, and Craig T.
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
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