Signs of the Times, Issue No. 250 - 03/05/13

"Si fallamos, fallamos con gloria."

Hello, people. My name is, um, Aaron. Yeah, Aaron. That's right. Well, uh, today I'll be... blogging. Right. Yes. Blogging. Because that's what I do on Tuesdays, isn't it? Yeah. I blog all the time about all the... important things that are going on. Yeah. So today we'll be talking about a lot of similar things like that since that's what this thing is all about. Am I right or am I right? Right? Yeah. Hey, so... what's that phrase I always say at this point? Uh... I can't really remember right now, but um... Well yeah. Let's get to it!

**In order to proceed, please leave your full name and Social Security number next to the X on the line below.**

X____________________________________


..........Wait, what? What's going on here? This is actually Aaron and I'm not really sure who wrote that introduction, but it definitely wasn't me. I actually just pulled the IP address and it looks like whoever wrote that intro was using an internet connection in Scottsdale, Arizona. I don't know about you, but I sure wish I was in Scottsdale, but I'm definitely here in Sandy, Utah. I apologize, but it looks like somebody has attempted to steal my identity - and on my 250th Issue! What a shame. Thankfully, we were able to catch it early on and prevent any extensive harm from being done. Anyway, sorry about that. I hope you didn't actually attempt to enter your SSN on that line because if you did, you seriously, seriously need to take a step back and stop listening so obediently to everything I say.

I know I'm, like, totally super cool, but it seems like there are some people out there that admire me so much that they actually want to be me, as evidenced by a little incident I had last week. I was off work early for the afternoon, so I was out and about, trying to do a few things like grabbing some lunch and going to get a car wash. Whilst doing so, I realized that my debit card kept getting declined. I knew that I had written a few big checks in the past week or so, but I knew I should still have quite a bit of moolah in the good ol' checking account. Concerned, I pulled up my bank account online and realized that I, for some odd reason, only had about $50 of available balance. Upon further investigation, it seems that some clown had been running amok down in Arizona blowing a couple hundred dollars in a clothing store and filled up with $91.00 of gas. Honestly, my first thought was, "I wonder what that guy is driving. That sucks." BOOOOOO!! to that guy. The folks at the bank were very helpful and assisted me in blocking those two transactions, canceling my cards, and getting my money back. After all, (said with fist raised defiantly in the air) it was my money and I wanted it now!!

Yes, it could.

The cancellation of my two cards did make things a little interesting later that night as I had two tickets to the Jazz/Hawks game that were linked to one of them. We got it figured out eventually, which was good, but then I had to sit through a couple hours of the Jazz getting pummeled by the thugs from Atlanta (who aren't even really that great in the first place). That was painful. I was also in attendance at the game on Friday night where the Jazz demolished the lowly Charlotte Bobcats (as they should have!). This almost completely dissolved the pain that I experienced in the Atlanta loss, but those of you who were watching last night will know that they were back up to their old tricks against Milwaukee, losing by one in overtime in a game that should have been easily-winnable. It's actually kind of disgusting. We came out a little flat in the third quarter for the fourth time in five games and, for the second time in as many games, had three starters that scored a whopping total, combined, of 0 points. ZERO. ZIP. NOTHING. If ONE of those THREE STARTERS would have scored ONE BASKET, we would have won the game. Incredible. Please, Ty Corbin, please please please bench them. Bench all of them. I'm not entirely mad at Randy Foye, who has actually played really well for most of the season, but why can't we just start Alec Burks at point guard until Mo Williams comes back and put in DeMarre Carroll or Gordon Hayward instead of Marvin Williams? WHY?!? What's the worst thing that could possibly happen? We... start somebody else in their places and they don't score either? At least give them a shot - and, more importantly, teach the guys that if you don't play well, there are consequences. Shape up, gentlemen! I can't take much more of this garbage. I really can't. Too many embarrassing losses to teams that we should have beaten. Dang you, Jazz. I love you, but you make it so difficult.


Today some of my co-workers got bored because it was a slow day of work. They asked me to entertain them because I'm obviously a very entertaining guy. After about 45 minutes of doing stand-up, I ran out of material, so I sat down and Googled "good jokes." I almost immediately realized that searching the internet for "good jokes" actually just brings up a list of really dumb jokes. So... that was that and we moved on with our lives.


Looking back on the previous 249 Issues of "Signs of the Times," my, what a jolly time I've had. That's a long time to be doing anything at all, let alone blogging. Two hundred and fifty Issues. That's somewhat exciting. Sadly, the older I grow and the longer I blog, the more I realize that I have nothing in common with anyone. Don't care. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. I do miss the Junior Mounties and **QUESTION TIME!!**, though. Those, in theory, should have been two very popular parts of the Newsletter. Apparently nobody liked them. But other than that, you know you can't tear yourselves away. Your loyalty, in some instances, frightens me. Thanks for reading. I appreciate you taking such dedicated interest in my glorified journal entries. Enjoy it while it lasts. I suppose I'll have to end this masterpiece sometime, won't I?

In these illustrious 250 Newsletters, I've admittedly had my ups and downs throughout the many weeks. Despite my best intentions, some of the things I've tried with "Signs of the Times" have fallen flat and just didn't pan out. I think it's appropriate to pause for a moment and reflect back upon those ideas which give new meaning to my life's motto: "Si fallamos, fallamos con gloria."

The A-Town Webisodes - I had fun making my nine A-Town Webisodes, but once I realized that nobody had fun watching them, I decided to stop wasting my time by producing them. That's too bad. I never even got a chance to make a rap music video.

The Week in Review - Pretty much discontinued this segment when I started doing my movie reviews for www.examiner.com, which, shockingly, nobody cares about, either. Oh well.

This Week in Whiteness - I don't people thought this was as funny as I did. In fact, they probably thought I was being racist. We only did this a couple times.

A-Town Dating Service - Ah yes, my amazing plan to hook up all my single friends. Yeah... we couldn't find any single girls that were interested. Such a shame.

A-Town Presidential Campaign - I was unable to garner nearly enough support to put me over the top. I dropped out right before the big Romney-Obama debates last fall.

District 2.0 - I don't think ANYONE liked "The District 2.0," although CBS was very thoughtful in allowing readers to vote for particular storylines. It was cancelled mid-season and we haven't really heard a whole lot from Craig T or Donny ever since. What the crap, people??

**QUESTION TIME!!** - I already mentioned the tragic demise of this segment, as well as the almost entire disappearance of the trusted and well-beloved Junior Mounties. Let's be honest: I wrote 98% of those Questions myself and that just gets old after a couple years of people not joining in on the fun.

Nevertheless, the blog continues for the time being, offering you the best that Tuesday has to offer week in and week out. Hey, put it this way - if it wasn't for me, what would Tuesday mean to you? Exactly. You're welcome.

A few closing thoughts before we wrap this baby up. Today I walked around with my gigantic headphones on during my lunch break listening to "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey. It made me Feel Good About Myself. Like a champion, I'd go so far as to say. It took me back to the good days of the Draper Spaceport. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up on YouTube.

I saw the movie "500 Days of Summer" for the first time the other day. Definitely worthy of the PG-13 rating (and when I say PG-13, I mean, like, PG-17 - PG-13 is a weird rating...), so I wouldn't recommend it for my grandparents or young siblings, necessarily, due to some of the content, but it did provide an interesting perspective about dating. As if there were only a couple things left in the world to make me dislike Zooey Deschanel more than I already did, well, I hate her even more now. What a brat. As a single 26-year-old Mormon, I don't have the patience for that kind of crap anymore. Maybe like 50 days or something, but five HUNDRED? Heck no. Get out of my life, you psycho. I'll tell you what, though - that dance scene in the middle of the movie had me busting up laughing. I want my life to be like that every single day.

The Han Solo part is classic.

Speaking of being single, if I were a farmer, I think I would totally join FarmersOnly.com. That place seems CLASSY.

If I played the flute, but could only play one song ever, it would definitely be "California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and the Papas. Hands down, no Questions asked.

And I would dress like this man.

As I've sat here on my rump looking up humorous YouTube videos, I ran across this, the only somewhat-G-rated portion of the immensely-disappointing movie, "Zoolander," and have come to the conclusion that I must be a model. That's nice.

They Feel Good About Themselves.

I'm going to start a fantasy baseball league in the next couple weeks. If by some miraculous chance any of you sports haters wants to play (keyword: play), let me know. I won't hold my breath or something.

Lots of nerd news about actors and actresses returning for the upcoming Star Wars and X-Men movies and I'm pretty stoked about that. I'm a nerd and I love it. And if anyone wants to start watching "LOST" from Episode 1 of Season 1 and go all the dang way to the last episode of Season 6, I've been wanting to do that for a long time, but I'm reluctant to embark on that long and lonesome road without a companion or two. So... yeah. You know.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to my brother, Austin C. Christensen I, who finally found it deep inside his cold, black, shriveled heart to watch "Skyfall." I don't think he totally hated it, so we'll chalk that up as a moral victory and move on with our lives.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. I don't believe that my identity was stolen at any other point after that horrid, borderline-blasphemous intro, which I'd like to apologize for one more time before I close. Please don't send me your Social Security numbers. I don't even know what to do with them, anyway. Have a lovely night and I'll talk to you all again next week. Maybe. And, by the way, I still don't respond to anonymous blog comments. Adieu.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron