Fifteen-yard penalty... on the Subscribers... Repeat Fourth Down.
Greetings to one and all. Wow, what a week it's been. And you know what? I've got quite a bit to talk about this week. Topics to be discussed: fallout from Saturday night's unbelievable ending, a couple bones to pick with fans on both sides, my eternal hatred of dogs, some dating tips from Deidre, my life-long admiration of Henry Jones, Jr., and the true source of all my childhood knowledge. Quickly, as a reminder, please refrain from storming my inbox until the Newsletter is officially over. Thank you. On we go!
Before we get down to business, a couple random thoughts: Why are people always so astonished when I wear a button-up shirt? I know that I am usually a little bit lazy as far as my work attire goes (I usually don't shave for a few days in a row and I wear a hat quite frequently, mainly in an attempt to earn myself five or ten more minutes of sleep in the mornings), but it's not like if they ever come to work a little bit more dressed up I'm like, "WOW!! Look who decided to get all fancy today!" I don't know. Every time I wear what many might deem "nicer" clothes, people at work go bonkers. "Interview?" "Hot date tonight?" What if I did, huh? What if I did? I'm certainly not dressing up to impress you people! And oh yeah - I do have a date tonight. What's it to yeh?
Looking back on my employment history, I think I would have been much better off if I had been born as a cute, Hispanic woman. Just a thought.
Hey, just out of curiosity, is the Silent Treatment making a comeback in today's Mormon dating culture? On second thought, don't answer that.
How 'bout them apples on Saturday night, huh? What a crazy, wacky, incredibly strange ending to a football game. I'm pretty positive that it was the strangest ending to a sports game I have ever seen in my life. I was watching the clock on the (first) last play of the game, so I knew there was still one second on the clock. I have no problem with that. But before we move on and talk about the rest of that wild finish, let me just say - if I were there at the game, I wouldn't even have thought about storming the field. Not for a second. Let me lay down a couple rules about field storming:
1) If you're beating the other team for the entire game, don't storm the field. There's nothing I hate more than a pre-meditated field storming.
2) If the team you beat isn't nationally ranked and if it's not an incredible David-and-Goliath upset, don't storm the field. (Yes, BYU was nationally ranked, but just barely. If you're going to storm the field, it better either be a Top-Ten team or you better be Sisters of the Poor State Tech.)
3) If there are cops and/or security guards telling you not to storm the field, don't storm the field.
4) If you storm the field anyway and the cops/security guards/referees tell you to get off the field, get off the field. And don't get back on the field. Don't even think about it.
5) If you're not a current student at the school, you have no business whatsoever storming the field. If you're a high school kid or a child, get off the dang field before you get yourself hurt. And if you're an adult or even a college graduate/alumnus, grow up and get on with your life.
So... Back to the game. The score is 24-21, Utah. Riley Nelson's pass falls incomplete with a second on the clock. Like I said before, no controversy there. But the dang fans hop over the railing and onto the field. Awkwardness ensues. Pandemonium breaks loose and we party like we just won the Super Bowl or something. "Get off the field!" I plead to the television. "Just get off the field!" Finally, they get everybody off the field to announce that there is still one second on the clock. The fans boo like the refs just insulted their collective mother. BYU lines up for a field goal. Shades of 2010 - it's blocked. The ball is still bouncing around on the field. Fans and players from both sides flood onto the playing field. A BYU player recovers the ball in the midst of the madness. He's tackled. Game over. The fans go nuts. Cameras pan to Kyle Whittingham, who looks bewildered. A flag is thrown. The refs call a penalty for the fans and players coming onto the field during a live ball. IDIOTS. STAY. OFF. THE FIELD. For crying out loud! This is just embarrassing! Now BYU gets another chance to tie the game, but now they're 15 yards closer. You've got to be kidding me. They line up for the field goal. It's off. It's up. It's fading to their left, my right, as I watch my television intently. Doink. Off the left upright. Game over. For good this time. And, yet again, the fans run onto the field to hoist our players into the air like they just came back from the World War and to tell Bronco Mendenhall that he sucks. No matter your affiliation with either of these schools and no matter your opinion on the matter, there's one thing that's certain - we'll be talking about Saturday night's fiasco for years and years and years to come. Now... Let me say a few more things.
Morons, your bus is leaving.
Utah fans: You freaking idiots. What the heck are you doing? We beat BYU for the eighth time in 11 years in a game where we never trailed once. They didn't play like a nationally-ranked football team. In fact, at times, they (Riley Nelson, mostly) looked like they didn't even want to be there. And we didn't play much better! For a team that fumbled the ball that many times, we should have trounced them by at least 10 or 20 points. We beat them, thanks to two missed field goals, and gave them three chances to beat us. That's nothing to storm the field over. And, maybe it's just me, but don't you think that storming the field would lose its "cool factor" and excitement level after the second time they told you to go back to your seats?!? ("But... but... but I really wanted to storm the field, officer!") YOU ALMOST COST US THE GAME, YOU FOOLS!! Can you imagine the fallout if BYU would have made the field goal, forced an overtime and beat us? Oh gosh, they would never live that one down. Losing a game because a bunch of idiot fans didn't have the brains to wait until the game was actually over. Reminds me of all those people who get up and leave Priesthood Session of General Conference before the closing prayer. Like... seriously, people?? You can't wait two more minutes? Gotta get a jump on the traffic? Idiots.
BYU fans: If I hear one more person say that God made BYU miss the field goal so they wouldn't have to play football on Sundays, I'm gonna............ And another thing - Yeah, I know you're using the field storming debacle as your comfort blanket for the loss by using that "I'm sad that we lost, but at least Utah proved tonight that they are the dumbest fans on the planet" line, but let me tell you something - If the roles were reversed so the game was played in Provo and BYU ended up winning, BYU students would have done the exact same thing. Deep down inside, you know it's true. And finally, as Austin brought up to me today - I don't want to hear BYU fans giving us garbage about storming the field, anyway, considering how BYU students were hopping the railing after beating lowly Utah State last year. It's UTAH STATE! Yeah, they're better this year, but Utah State was famous for choking in big games last year. But what did you do? Made fools of yourself by storming the field. Going back to the David and Goliath analogy I referenced earlier, can you imagine Goliath storming the field if he had slain David? Doubtful. The moral of the story is that every team in every sport has stupid fans that make the rest of us civilized people cringe. Every team. Even BYU and Utah.
On a final note about the Holy War, how dare they discontinue this rivalry! Even if BYU had come back and won that game, I would have been a little dumbfounded, but hey - the heartbreaking endings, the last-second finishes, the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat, and, yes, those hilariously awkward endings where the fans prematurely storm the field two times - those are the things that make this rivalry so awesome, win or lose. I had to run to the store really quickly about an hour before kickoff and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. There were car flags all over the parking lot. Inside the store, there were entire families decked out in BYU gear and a bunch of liberal heathens (myself included) in our finest Utah crimson. I was talking to my siblings about it on Saturday and I think what we concluded is really true - the Holy War is bigger than the Super Bowl. It is in Utah, anyway. This rivalry divides households. Mine has been divided for years. Thankfully, this has helped keep me pretty grounded and I always have a little tiny spot for BYU in my heart, having grown up a BYU fan. I tried to be as polite as possible during last year's slaughter in Provo because my mom, a life-long Cougar fan, was in the room. But the competition is great. The entire state comes alive for this one game - the biggest day in sports all year long for Utahns. It brings us together in some sort of funky, ultra-prideful, competitive bond. It's awesome. Of course, there are always some morons on both sides that spoil it for everyone every single year (I was hesitant to look on Twitter to see what people were saying), but I think that, for the most part, everybody realizes that, in the end, it's just a game. Anybody from the Utah side that says we're too good for BYU or that we don't need the Cougars anymore is kidding themselves. I squarely place the blame on the Utes for the discontinuation and they've gotta get their heads on straight and realize that there are more important things in college sports than winning and money. I thought college football was all about tradition. Well, they've gone ahead and ripped all the tradition right out of our hands. It makes me sick. They've GOT to keep this rivalry around. Maybe the two years off will be good so that some of the nasty fans will tone things down a little bit, but it would be an absolute crying shame if they decided not to bring back the BYU-Utah game on a yearly basis. Bring it back - and make it the last game of the year. Make it happen.
Oh yeah. One more thing. The one (and probably only) good thing about having our Holy War on Week Three of the season is that when it was the last game of the season is that deep down inside me I always kind of hoped that BYU would lose a couple games before they met Utah just to keep those obnoxious Cougar fans humble. Now that the BYU-Utah game is over, I can cheer for BYU for the rest of the season if I want to because it won't affect the Utes at all. If anything, it will just make the Utes look better if BYU wins the rest of their games. With that being said, as of 12:01 AM on Sunday morning, I'm the biggest BYU fan you've ever seen (for a week, at least) because I HATE Boise State. Come on, Cougars!! Anybody but Boise State. Can't stand those guys and their stupid blue turf. BOOOOOO!! Ok. That's all I have to say about that. Go Utes. Glad we won. Glad we can move on now and talk about other things.
Like, seriously. Get off the field. Now.
We're just getting warmed up here, people. I'm not done whining yet. Most of you should know that my family and I have religiously watched "America's Got Talent" on NBC for the past few years. I know it's just a TV show, but we invest a lot of dang time into this TV show, all right? And so when I spend a whole summer watching great acts like David Garibaldi and his CMYK's, comedian Tom Cotter, and incredible musician William Close and *SPOILER ALERT* a DOG ACT wins, it makes me a kind of mad. Not "kind of mad" - we were all furious. I physically felt a little ill on the inside. That's the truth. What an absolute crime. A DOG ACT?!? Here's what makes me the most upset - there were some great acts in earlier rounds that were criticized (eventually leading to their demise) for not bringing fresh material for each new round. Take Ben Blaque, the insane crossbow guy. That act was incredible! For his final act, he shot an apple off his own head while blindfolded. YouTube it. Incredible. Apparently that wasn't good enough for some people because the judges were pretty hard on him throughout his short-lived run on the show and he didn't move on. Preposterous. The Olate Dogs are a bunch of fluffy little puppies running around doing tricks. Backflips, conga lines, things of that nature. I'm not a fan of any animal act on the show, but I thought the dogs were pretty good in their first audition. Here's my issue with the act: they did the exact same tricks every single time. "Wait, wait - this dog can JUMP ROPE?!" Oh wait, I saw that during their last performance. And the one before that. And the one before that. But the judges never told them to bring fresh material. Sharon Osbourne LOVED those dogs and would practically drool over them every time they came out, regardless of the fact that they were presenting an almost identical 90-second act every single time. Feedback from the judges is not the only contributing factor in America's voting habits, but I think it definitely plays a large role. You will see the judges and producers pushing certain acts from the very beginning. Take, for instance, Andrew de Leon, the goth opera singer. They loved that kid. I think he freaked a lot of America out, though, and he eventually didn't move on from one of the rounds. Howie Mandel brought him back on the show for the Wild Card round, which isn't fair to other acts that made it past the Vegas round. The producers also tried pushing the story of "Turf," an African-American "dancer" (contortionist). It upsets me that voters are apparently dumb enough to swallow that hogwash and give a bunch of dogs ONE MILLION DOLLARS. To DOGS! Are you serious? BOOOOOO!! Can you imagine going to Vegas and paying to see a bunch of dogs jumping through hoops? HECK NO. I thought that the dogs were probably a top-four act out of the six finalists, but the CMYKs, Tom Cotter, and William Close were ALL more deserving of the million-dollar prize than those stupid dogs. I didn't like dogs before last Wednesday night and I have even more reason to hate them now. I'm still disgusted by it. I think I lost sleep over it on Wednesday night. Ugh. Gosh. I hate dogs. What a waste of a summer.
Are you KIDDING ME?!? Dogs?! I HATE DOGS!!
I informed my online acquaintances of my eternal hatred for canines immediately following the AGT finale. One girl commented and wished me good luck with my life without a soul. I understand that if you don't like dogs you also can't get a girlfriend, but you know what? If I had to choose between liking dogs and not having a soul or a girlfriend, I'd choose the soul-less single life 99 times out of 100. Scratch that. One hundred times out of 100. Looks like The Boo Box is getting pretty full today. I need to take a breather. Let's all welcome today's guest blogger, Deidre Miller, a newly-wed that can, perhaps, provide some helpful insight to me about dating in my current dog-hating state. Hello, Deidre. Welcome to the Newsletter. Take it away:
1. Dating should be easy. Go for frozen yogurt, mini golfing, or to a simple dinner the first few dates. It gives you an opportunity to keep it and to REALLY talk and get to know each other. If the conversation is good, you can add on another short activity. Otherwise you can call it a night after an hour.
2. Don’t kiss on the first date. It confuses things. And no movies.
3. It is helpful to have a list of unique questions in your mind that you can pull out of your head in case there is an awkward silence. Here are a few questions, that usually have good follow up discussion and jokes, that I held onto:
· What is your best memory from growing up? (it pairs well with the sibling/family questions)
· Why did you decide to study/work where you are?
· What do you want to do in the next 5 years?
· If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
· What is the funniest joke you ever heard? Or what is your go-to joke?
· What are you most passionate about in life?
· If you could eat dinner with any 3 people living or dead who would it be?
· In all your years from 0 until now, what is your biggest accomplishment?
4. If you have to contact someone first more than three times in a row. You might want to reconsider. They are either too busy for you or too busy texting someone else. Move on.
5. When dating. Don’t stress! Be yourself. And someone will either love you or they will… not love you. And don’t you want someone to like you for you? The best person to date is the person that likes to date you. And by you I mean the REAL you.
6. If someone doesn’t act like they like you, they don’t treat you well, they only call you when it is convenient, they take days to respond, or anything else you can think of… DROP THEM! That is the best advice of all the advice I have. The best quality to look for in someone is that they care about you. That should always be their first priority."
- Deidre Miller
Well, I feel much better now. Good stuff. Good job. All right. Let me tell you about something amazing that I did last week. I'm still of the mindset that if I sit around waiting and begging people to do things with me, I won't end up doing anything at all, so I took matters into my own hands on Wednesday afternoon. That hard thing about having Wednesdays off of work is that nobody else has Wednesdays off of work. My brother Austin just got home from work, so I figured I'd get him to come with me for a little adventure. It was brought to my attention that "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was playing on the IMAX screen at the local theater. It was too good to resist. So Austin and I headed over and purchased those incredibly over-priced tickets. You know, I'm not really a believer in the whole "IMAX experience" - to me, it just seems like a bigger screen and louder sound (big whoop) - but my love for Indiana Jones far outweighed the price of the tickets, so we went. It was wonderful. And guess what? I'll be getting my commissions check here in a couple days. Indiana Jones on Blu-ray? Oh yeah. I think so. It's marathon time.
"Now you're gettin' nasty..."
Speaking of childhood memories, I recently watched the 1992 classic animated feature, "Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation." That is some great stuff. I think I learned most of the things I knew as a child from cartoons like "Tiny Toons" and the "Animaniacs." Those programs were not only fun, but educational! And the humor was entertaining for me as a kid, but it's still funny (perhaps even funnier) as an adult! I think that's the ultimate sign of a great cartoon - one whose entertainment value transcends age barriers. Sadly, I can't say the same thing about today's animated programming, which just seems entirely mind-numbing. I feel bad for children these days. I really do.
It's time for another Fantasy Football Star of the Week. On a week when my Jive City Monarchs totally dominated the competition, it is my humble privilege to recognize C.J. Spiller, whom I picked up as a free agent after Week One. Spiller ran the ball 15 times for 123 yards and two TDs, tacking on three receptions for an additional 47 yards, giving me a total of 54.25 fantasy points and paving the way for the Jive City Monarchs to claim sole possession of first place after the second week of competition. 'Atta boy!
Long live the Kings!
The Shoutout of the Week goes to Richard Brunson, who has also noticed the totally strange Facebook friend requests that have been popping up lately. I've noticed it for a couple weeks now. Facebook keeps suggesting the I add a bunch of 16-year-old British girls as friends - which is weird, considering we have no mutual friends and I've never been to England. The Brunsonator recently voiced his concern by wondering "how Facebook would decide that [he] might know someone whose name isn't even spelt with the Latin alphabet." Hang in there, brother. You're not alone in this. I believe in you! (Bonus points for using "spelt.")
That's about it for this week, kiddos. Everybody just take a chill pill, all right? I'm outta here. Can't believe I got the blog done so early. What a miracle. What a Tuesday miracle.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
1 comment:
Aaron, I even read the sports section of this issue. I love the ranting.
Can I be invited to your Indiana marathon? I haven't ever watched them like beginning to end all in order... ever.
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