Signs of the Times, Issue No. 213 - 06/19/12

"Signs of the Times" - Burning social bridges since 2008


Greetings to one and all. Greetings, greetings. Yes, yes. It's another rousing Issue of "Signs of the Times," and, you know what? Let me just say something before I proceed to offend every last one of you. I don't care if none of you even like my blog of if you think there are other more fascinating people out there, but I think you'll be hard pressed to find another blog out there that's more solidly established than this one, regardless of the number of its readers. I like myself, dang it, and I like my blog. I've been doing this practically every week since time began and I'm not going to stop for a long, long time. YES! YES! YES! I'm the best and so are you if you're reading this. I'm taking the blog back off of private this week because I think the psychotic stalkers have decided to finally leave me alone (I say that now...) and there are some things that just need to be said. For those of you that think I'm anti-social and have no friends and for those of you that take every single thing literally that I say, you're probably going to hate me after this week, but whatever. I'm joking like 90% of the time, people. Joking. (Yeah, yeah. I know. "There's a little truth behind every joke" or whatever. I know that's what you're thinking.) Well guess what? If there's truth to every joke, then this is one Issue you should take very seriously. Topics to be discussed: The Great 3G Outage of 2012; the NBA Finals; and my problem(s) with online friends, such as, but not limited to, self-proclaimed Internet A-Listers, people I already unfriended (or am about to unfriend) on Facebook, a new take on dating (according to some of you, apparently), pathetic grammar skills, and hashtags on Facebook. Grab some paper and a writing utensil. There will be a pop quiz later. On we go!

I have a confession to make. I know I made fun of technology and smartphones and things like that for a while, but I've had a smartphone since October and I'm finally realizing how much I do with it. Since Sunday, my 3G has been down and my picture messaging isn't working and I feel like I'm on a deserted island or something. I can still send texts and make calls, but let's be honest - other than family members, there are only like three people who ever text me back, anyway. So... that's a little upsetting. I've been trying to send my mom a lovely picture of me eating a cookie for three days now, but to no avail. I couldn't check the score to the Finals game during church, I feel like I practically can't do anything anymore!! HELP ME!! Maybe I'll just have to sit down and have a little chat with Verizon tomorrow for my day off.

So, for some reason, I decided to play a game of "Words with Friends" these past few days. I'm not sure why I ever play that game because I always get destroyed. After playing the latest round and losing by 40, I supposed I would start another game, just for fun. After I played my opening word, the girl sent me a message and said, "Why are you still playing me?" (*audible laughter*) Are you serious?? That's a Boo Box entry, for sure. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

Here's a little fun fact for you - something I learned on the way home from work today. You might say that this little ditty blew my mind away. Remember the band "Five For Fighting"? Do you know what that name actually means? It's actually a hockey reference. You get five minutes in the penalty box for getting in a fight. Five for fighting. Wow. Amazing.

Some of you may want to Five For Fight me in a couple minutes.

I haven't been able to watch much of the NBA Finals in the last week, other than most of game one. I suppose you'd say I want Oklahoma City to win (read: I want Miami to lose), but there is one thing that I really can't make up my mind about - Which team has a more annoying fan base? The Heat and the Thunder (contrary to what their self-proclaimed "fans" will say) have two of the biggest bandwagon fan bases in the entire NBA. When the Heat win, I see all these messages saying stuff like "Oh yeah! Two wins away! I told you Miami would win the championship!" When the Thunder win, I see all these tweets filled with "#OKC! #OKC! #OKC! #OKC! #OKC! #OKC! #OKC! #OKC!" On the other hand, when the Thunder lose, all the Jazz fans out there are acting like they're so heartbroken that their "second-favorite team" is struggling. Most likely, Oklahoma City became their "second-favorite team" about three months ago. There is no such thing as a life-long OKC fan because, well, they've only existed for four years and they were horrible for two and a half of those years. I don't want to hear it. One of my favorite things to notice is the reaction of Miami "fans" when the Heat lose. They're always in everyone's face when LeBron plays well, but when he and Dwayne Wade choke, they don't say anything at all. Typical.

Can I vent about some other people that bother me? Of course I can. It's my blog. I can say whatever I want. I woke up on Sunday morning and unfriended 58 people on Facebook. (Granted, 33 of those profiles have been deactivated, anyway, so it's not like it was rude of me to get rid of them.) But why would a man with a struggling social life such as my own continually seek to unfriend those what claim to be his friends? Let me tell you why. It's because the Internet has done a horrible, horrible thing to people my age. It has made some people totally self-obsessed. Just because you have a camera and Photoshop doesn't mean you're a major hottie and it certainly doesn't make you better than anybody else. I've noticed that once people start taking modeling agency-esque pictures of themselves and posting them online, they're as good as dead to me. They get this idea for some reason that they can portray themselves as being somewhat of an Internet celebrity. It's like if you're attractive (or can take a picture that makes you appear to be attractive in certain lighting or from certain angles), you're the best thing since the proverbial sliced bread. I saw somebody post something the other day that was a picture of them standing in front of a mirror (typical), and at the top, it said "This is a fan page. No need to hate." Then she referred her admirers to some Facebook fan page. Are you serious? What are they becoming a "fan" of? Immodesty? Another thing I've noticed is that apparently a lot of people on Facebook go to Las Vegas every single weekend. Right... Apparently there are also a lot of people out there that are, like, V.I.P.s or on the A-List or something. There's this one girl that always posts pictures of her with former Utah Jazz player Kosta Koufos. Like, Kosta. Man. If this is actually real, are you ever going to propose or what?? Geez. (And if this isn't real, I'm sure he has a very nice personality or something. I mean... of all the NBA players, really? Kosta Koufos??) But seriously, like any of us really care. I often consider the reality of people actually living lifestyles like that. Do they really party every single weekend? Are they not online friends with any immediate family members? Are there no consequences for their actions? How much time does it take them to apply that much makeup? What do they look like without makeup?? (*shudder*) And, come on! The audacity of some of these people! Making a fan page for themselves... Pshh... ...Oh wait. I've done that. Three times. But hey - my justification is that A) it was for my radio show and B) I actually was a celebrity. You know it to be true. There was a point in my Twitter career where I was focused on reaching 100 followers. I'm at like 140-something now, but I don't care anymore. I just thought it would be cool to be in triple-digits. Now that I'm there, I realize that a large majority of my "followers" are spam accounts that only follow me because they run a search for random words or topics and follow everyone that comes up. Really, though, when some people are so obsessed with themselves that they beg for followers and "likes" and feel like they need to post five pictures of themselves in five different outfits every single day, I think that gets to be a little excessive. So I unfriend them. The little princesses have already got enough people worshiping them as it is and I don't want to add any fuel to the fire.

Admit it. This picture is from 2007.

I asked some of my Facebook friends, ironically enough, when it's actually ok to unfriend people. Here were their responses:

- "When: you never speak, cant really remember who they are, only friended them in the first place to avoid offending them, family members or friends of exes, etc..." - Jake Rands

- "When a girl who isn't family or a really really REALLY good friend gets engaged." - Ed Rothlisberger

- "If you consider unfriending a person, you should probably do it." - Ryan Aaron

- "When you feel like it. If people don't want to be unfriended they shouldn't be so annoying :)" - Eileen Dobbins

- "Whenever you want to. It's your Facebook!" - Kelsey Worner

- "I agree with Kelsey. I go through a Facebook "purge" about once per year." - Sky Anderson

- "When you get annoyed with their posts. My policy is if they swear a lot or post a play by play of their day. I'm not stalking you, I don't care." - Suzy Petersen

- "When they ask too many Questions." - Ammon Hatch

- "I can't unfriend myself, Ammon." - Aaron Christensen

- "When you don't talk to them for a long time." - Kristin Manning

- "When I get over 3 game requests from them, they're gone. No, I don't want to help you buy a stupid cow for your Farmville farm." - Whitney Wilson

- "I have a 12-month rule. If I have not communicated with someone in 12 months, chances are they get the axe. If said deleted person and I rekindle our relationship, they can be added again. I just tell people that I'm OCD about digital clutter (which is 100% accurate). One exception to this rule are people that I consider of high networking value. Go ahead, call me a jerk." - Jared Anderson

- "I recently unloaded a few "friends" because nearly every one of their posts was loud and offensive and extremely liberally-toned. They also loved to contest anything that was said just for the sake of arguing, but rarely had an actual point. That type of nonsense went on long enough for me. I don't need that kind of waste in my life, so I let them go. :-)" - Stephanie Fox

- "When they pop up on the birthday reminder and you have no idea who they are." - Emily Swenson

- "When you're no longer a part of the same circle (so I'm going to delete people from my old ward)." - Janae Balibrea

Consider it done.

My family and I were discussing "at will" employment the other day. For those of you that don't know what that is, it basically means that you can quit your job at any point for any reason. You're home free. You can leave right then and never show your face there ever again. (Conversely, your employer can fire you at any time for any reason.) It got me to thinking... Do some people believe in "at will" dating? Like, at any point they can just stop talking to you for any reason without further clarification and then you never see them again? Just a thought. I believe many people do, and That's P.M.U.!!

You all know about my illustrious dating life. (I sometimes wonder why I tell you people so much... and why you even care in the first place... but whatever.) Some of you might argue that I've been single so long because I'm either shallow or just extremely picky. I'd disagree to some extent. I'm definitely not shallow and I'm not extremelypicky, but I think you do need to be a little picky when it comes to seeking out an eternal companion. Sadly, there are some things to me that are what, in dating jargon, we call "deal breakers." Deal breakers for me would be things like drug use, alcohol, being a total psycho... You know, things like that. Let's add another to the list because it's really starting to bother me. Bad grammar. It's cute, maybe, if you're like nine years old, but seriously, people. Did you not go to elementary school?

There's a little thing called a contraction. That would be a combination of two words, creating a combination of both of them. For instance, the contraction for "they are" would be "they're" (not "their" or "there" - those are two totally different words that have no relation to "they're"). You see what we just did? We took the word "they" and the word "are" and we combined them, putting an apostrophe where the missing letter went. Amazing! Should we try another one? "You are" becomes "you're" (not "your," which is the possessive form of the word "you"). For instance, "You're stupid" for saying "your stupid" - true story. ("Your stupid"?? My stupid what?)

Another thing that simply must go would be PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS or p30pl3 wh0 th1nk 1t'5 cut3 t0 us3 numb3r5 1n5t3ad 0f l3tt3r5. [Editor's note: WOW was that hard to type and incredibly annoying to read!] Grow up, children. And what about people who go against the grain by typing (: when they're happy? Hello?! It's :-) ! Here in America we read left-to-right, my friends. LEFT-TO-RIGHT!! (: means nothing to me. It looks like a bald guy with no eyebrows laying on his side.

Here's another grammar-related issue that's currently driving me nuts: Hashtags on Facebook. Really. It needs to be stopped. Remember when Facebook first started and it used to be only for college kids? You actually, if my recollection is correct, had to have a college email address to sign up for it. What happened to that?? Now Facebook is overrun by a bunch of kindygarteners who see stuff they don't understand and try to mimic it. Hashtags are all the rage these days with Twitter (and now Instagram, I guess), and people who are exclusively on Facebook see this weird thingy in front of words that they think is #cool so they start #doing it #allthetime to the extent that it #doesn't #make #sense - and you can't have an apostrophe in a hashtag, anyway, kids. You don't hashtag random #words and you don't use hashtags on things that are long enough to be their own sentences (#yeahImtalkingtoyou). Unless you're joking. Which these people aren't. They think they're being cool. #AndTheyAre. #Not. Hashtags are for Twitter. Not for Facebook. You look like a ninny when you use them.

Even the birdy is confused.

The one and only exception to this rule is if you have stuff from Twitter that is automatically posted to Facebook - which I don't do for fear of annoying the heck out of all my so-called "friends." So Janae, you're off the hook, you Twitter addict. I created a monster. And I mean that in the nicest, cutest way possible. Because that's what you are: a nice, cute, little Twitter monster. Just kidding. Um. Next topic.


What do you do when you want to escape all the annoying people that are surrounding you. You go live in the woods! Yes! I'm going camping! Maybe. But first, as I always do with everything from breakfast to which book to read next, I'm going to get a second opinion. Now I'll turn the time over to Eileen, who has graciously accepted the role of today's guest blogger. Take it away, Eileen:

"Being from Montana, I’m pretty sure I am the most 'country' person Aaron knows. So when he assigned the topic of 'reasons not to go camping' I really felt alot of responsibility to step up to the plate. Camping is a wholesome hobby and an American tradition, so you might have a hard coming up with reasons you wouldn’t want to go.  Let me help!

Consider this: the things that make modern society comfortable, enjoyable, and convenient are the same reasons that no one should want to go camping. There’s a reason humans stopped living in tents and invented the Internet. I'm not not just talking about the obvious benefits of living with walls and windows and indoor plumbing. Below is today’s list of 4 Un-obvious Reasons NOT to go Camping:

1. When you leave the limits of society you also leave behind cell phone signals and wireless internet. Sure, that sounds inviting at first, but when you get back from your weekend in the woods you are going have fifty 'Draw Something' moves waiting for you, and who knows how many 'Words with Friends' moves?! You will probably also have missed about 3000 status updates from your friends about their bad day or recent engagement. You don’t want to miss any of that, do you?

2. Hollywood has taught me your chances of being tortured and killed by a monster or a creepy psycho are increased by about 350% in the woods. The fewer members of your group and the further from society you go, the greater the likelihood of you becoming the victim of a gory and heinous crime.

3. You know how freaked out you get when you find a spider or a moth in your bedroom? You know how troubled you become when you return from getting a shoe or a tissue to find that the spider or moth is not where you left it, and could be hiding essentially anywhere in your bedroom, just waiting for you to fall asleep? That’s scary. So why does it seem like a good idea to sleep in the wilderness, surrounded by creepy crawlies on every side? This time you're in their territory and don't think for a minute that they aren't ready to use that home field advantage to exact their revenge.

4. I’m pretty sure that the guy who said 'It never rains, but it pours' was camping at the time. I have never experienced temperate weather in woods. When you go camping you can almost always expect torrential downpours and frigid overnight temperatures. That’s why walls are nice - they keep the weather out and the Central Air in. Just like washing your car, sleeping in a tent is a challenge to Nature to give you her best shot. When you go up against Nature, you always lose."
- Eileen Dobbins

Wow. Well, maybe I'm not going camping, after all. I'll just... stay here... and... watch TV or something.


Speaking of TV... and camping... I've been sucked into another season of "Love in the Wild," which I continually find one of the silliest shows on television these days. These people are hilariously shallow and unintelligent. It's quite amusing to me. Last week, whilst watching the program with my family, there was a scene where one bewildered lover got a little confused about the task at hand. They're in some tropical island, so the native man that was overseeing the challenge was, needless to say, not an English speaker. The contestant approached the man to see if he had done the task correctly, to which the native wagged his finger and shook his head, as if to imply that something was wrong. He then pointed to a sign which was written in English for further clarification. The contestant, in his thick British accent, whined back, "I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH!" My sister, Amy, found humor in that exchange and tweeted about it. The contestant, through his own Twitter account, was apparently monitoring people's comments when they used the hashtag #LoveInTheWild and he retweeted Amy to all of his followers. Great work, sister. I think that's worthy of the Shoutout of the Week. To use a phrase from last week's LITW, "you earned it." Congratulations. I always knew you'd amount to something.

I'm not even so sure that the native spoke Spanish!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. What a Newsletter. Life is good, my friends. Very, very good. The moral of the story today is to be yourself - because "yourself" is good enough for me. And if being yourself isn't good for somebody else out there, kick them to the freakin' curb. I guess the second moral of the story is to just straight up not be an idiot. Yeah. Write that one down. That's all for this week, kiddos. I love you all. Unless you're crazy or WrItE lIkE tHiS. In that case, we've got some work to do, but nothing is entirely irreparable. Mostly. Ok, deuces. I'm out. Have a nice night. And if I offended you today, don't read next week. That is all.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron