Signs of the Times, Issue No. 202 - 04/03/12

Every second chapter needs a first installment.

Greetings to one and all! It's another Television Tuesday here at "Signs of the Times"! You, the people, have spoken and I, the author, have listened. Topics to be discussed today: further proof that everybody hates Utah, a brief recap of Conference, why I still feel for Gale, a couple of your Questions, some of my favorite former TV shows, my secret crush, and the next big television show in America. On we go!


Though television will be a general theme throughout today's Issue, there are a few other things I'd like to discuss, as well. First of all, I have been thinking a little bit about the NBA season recently. As most of you probably know, this year was shortened, due to an extended lockout over the summer. During the last NBA lockout over a decade ago, Karl Malone won the league's MVP award. Obviously, everyone here in Utah was ecstatic about that, but many critics around the country still say that the MVP award in 1999 is tainted because it wasn't a full season, anyway. I wonder if people will think the same thing about this season. Will the media frown upon the player that wins the MVP this year (most likely Kevin Durant or LeBron James, by the looks of things at this point)? Doubtful. But why not? It was a shortened season, wasn't it? Just like in '99 when Karl won the award. So what's the difference? Clearly, it's because everybody hates Utah. #NBAconspiracytheories

But I loved him.

While we're on that topic, I've got a lovely new guest blogger this week who appears to have anonymously nominated herself, based on a suspicious comment left on the blog page last week. It's my good friend and ZAGG mentor, Sarah Sonntag!! Welcome to "Signs of the Times"! Take it away, Sssssssssarah!!

I am not a complainer.  It's not something that comes naturally to me.  However, there are a few things that really get under my skin.  I was not born in Utah.  I was born in the great state of Colorado; Denver to be precise.  I don't really have any ties to Utah, other than my husband’s family, but one thing that really bothers me is hearing people complain about living in Utah. 

Every week, I hear a comment such as "Utah drivers are the worst" or "...it's because of the Mormons".  Utah (and Utahans) seems to be the ultimate scapegoat for whatever your complaint is.  Like I said, I have no special ties to Utah, but to no avail, I hear these comments.  Are Utahans REALLY the worst drivers?  Are Mormons REALLY to blame for the late night, West Valley shooting?  Frankly... no.  Everyone needs a culture, a state, or a certain individual to blame for their own frustrations or issues.  My answer to them?  It really seems like moving somewhere else would make you much happier.  I'm sure the drivers are much better and the Mormons less intense in say... Idaho.  I am also sure that the white supremacists there would be much easier to deal with.

With that, I'll close, and thank Aaron for letting me be the guest blogger for the week- even though writing is not my forte.  Thanks.

- Sarah Sonntag

Several people have asked me to give my thoughts about the most recent General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which was held over the weekend. I try not to talk about religion and testimony and stuff like that too frequently in my blog, due largely to the sarcastic and light-hearted nature of the publication, but I've brought it up before, so why not now? It is, after all, Television Tuesday, is it not? And if ten hours of sitting in front of a giant box listening to the word of the Lord doesn't qualify as "television," I don't know what does. I thought Conference was good. Always is. Not my favorite Conference of all time - which doesn't mean that it was bad or that I felt the spirit of Satan or something - I've just had a lot of Conferences that have really applied to me on a personal level (i.e. last April's Conference, in which many of the talks centered around marriage, for instance). I thought Richard G. Scott's talk about receiving revelation was one of the best talks in any of the sessions. There were a few others that I thought applied to specific things I needed to hear and some of the messages were answers to Questions I'd had recently or things that I had been thinking about a lot lately, so that was nice. Overall, the best thing about Conference for me this time around was that it's just a nice refresher of the things that we need to be focused on. It's refreshing and I often wish that it were, like, every three months, or something, instead of every six. I'm grateful to have a living prophet of God on the Earth today, along with 12 apostles and other general authorities that lead and guide the Church. Oh, and by the way, my family and I sat down to take a look at some of the brand new Bible videos that the Church produced for the iPad. They were fantastic and I'd recommend that you take a look at them if you haven't had a chance yet. We watched from the Triumphal Entry until the point where Peter denies Christ and we will continue watching the videos (spanning from the public trial of Christ to the Resurrection) later on this weekend in preparation for Easter.


Speaking of television, I've continued to read through the Hunger Games series. I'm a little more than half-way through Catching Fire, the second book in the series, at this point. I'm still Team Gale to the bitter end. (I know, I know, ladies. You've already made it abundantly clear to me that Gale is going to do something at some point before the end of the third book that will make me want to switch to Team Peeta, but that's not going to happen. I'm solid.) Like I mentioned briefly last week, I feel bad for the guy. Not only did he get Friend Zoned majorly in the first book (Trying to avoid spoilers. You're welcome.), but then he has to watch his woman be ripped away from him and forced into a fake romance with some scrawny actor that Hollywood made look six inches taller on national TV! That's low. That's real low. I mean, I've been through some crazy crap in my dating life, including several circumstances like unto that of Mr. Gale, but at least I never had to watch it on national television. I've seen some wedding pictures on Facebook and whatnot, but that's easily solved by unfriending the heck out of that chick. Gale can't unfriend anybody. He just gets to sit there, watch his chica make out with Short Stack, and make sure that Katniss' family doesn't starve. That's P.M.U.!! Anyway, I'm Team Gale. Oh yeah. And I may or may not be trying to plan a "Hunger Games"-themed Webisode in the next week or two. (Does anyone even remember the A-Town Webisodes that I used to post on YouTube? I kind of stopped doing them because I think Cody got tired of me forcing him to help me record. Anyway... Keep an eye out for that soon. Maybe.)


Oh wow. In a shocking turn of events, we've actually got MULTIPLE Questions this week - and I didn't even have to write any of them! Wow.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "As future president how are you going to solve the nation's dependency on oil and dumb celebrities?"
- Michael Brunson (@mtb290)

A. Great Question! As many of you have probably forgotten, I haven't dropped out of the presidential race yet. I'm surprised no major news networks have come to interview me or my 13 supporters. Anyway, I have three solutions to the oil crisis. (I paid $3.64 for gas the other day. What the heck?? That's like three times as much as it was when I started driving nine years ago!) First of all, David Letterman once enlightened my mind to this wonderful idea - We steal the recipe for gas. It can't be that hard. That way, everybody could just make their own homemade gas. I'm sure it would be much cheaper that way. And it could be produced in bulk and stored with each family's 72-hour kit. Secondly, if that doesn't work, we could all start using the Mr. Fusion form of fuel first introduced to us in the "Back to the Future" films. We could recycle our garbage by turning it into fuel. Finally, if that fails also, here's solution number three: We bomb Iran. And our dependence on dumb celebrities? How could we get rid of them? Oh yes. Send them into exile. In Iran.


Q. "Easter is fast approaching. What's your favorite Easter candy?"

- Jordan Holmes

A. Peeps are my favorites. They're so tasty and delicious. Those Starburst jelly beans are pretty good, too. I'm not a big fan of chocolate, so those giant chocolate bunnies usually last me like three weeks.

What's up, Peeps?

Q. "If you and Austin had made it to "The Amazing Race", which challenges would you have been great at... and which ones would have sent you home pronto?"
- Your loving Grandmother

A. Grandma! Yes!! Welcome to the blog, Grandma. Let me just say this now - I want you to be a guest blogger one day. We could formally introduce the world to A-Town's grandma. Oh, that would be great. Well, you know what? You've asked that Question on precisely the right week. It is Television Tuesday, after all! I actually discussed this topic with Austin today. We're still upset that they didn't choose us. That's the biggest mistake CBS will ever make. Mark our words. We think we'd be good at physical challenges. If it ever came down to a foot race, we'd be tough to beat. (Need proof?) Food challenges couldn't possibly be that difficult. We've both been on culturally-diverse LDS missions. Austin says that he'd particularly like to try rapelling, which he thinks he'd be good at. I think I'd be particularly good if they ever needed us to, like, sit down and write a blog or something. In the end, we figure - and this is, honestly, the reason why we applied a couple months ago - that we'd be tough to beat under most normal circumstances. There is one thing we think we would struggle mightily with, however: Beer chugging.


Jake Rands and my brother Austin have asked that I talk about great television shows. I'd like to give you a brief list of some of my all-time favorites that have since ceased to exist, much to my chagrin:

- "The Mole," a reality show formerly aired by ABC. Contestants are given challenges which they must either complete individually or as a team. Successfully completing these challenges adds money to "the pot," which is won by the last player standing. The producers have hired a double-agent - The Mole - who secretly tries to sabotage these activities in an attempt to keep the team from adding money to the pot. At the end of each episode, the contestants take a quiz with Questions based on the true identity of The Mole. What did they have for dinner? What were they wearing? How many challenges did The Mole participate in? The contestant with the lowest total score is eliminated at the end of each episode, narrowing the field down until there are only three players remaining: the winner, the loser, and The Mole. Oh man. I freakin' loved that show.

- "FlashForward," a fictional drama formerly aired by ABC. The entire world blacked out in some sort of insane global phenomenon. During the Blackout, people saw glimpses of their future, which would come to pass at an appointed time. As characters in the show try to figure out what their Flash Forwards mean, a government group initiates a project called "Mosaic," which, hypothetically, would piece together the individual flashes, giving meaning and insight to the cause of the Blackout and its creators. Why, why did they have to cancel this show and keep "V" instead??

- "I Survived a Japanese Game Show," a wacky American reality game show based on the Japanese game show, "Majide!" This show was just out of control. American contestants were flown to Japan to compete in a zany show hosted by an outrageous Oriental host and his dead-pan assistant, Judge Bob.

- "Cram," a former Game Show Network competition which made players live in a glass observation booth in Hollywood. They'd stay up all night long cramming information in books and other educational displays set up in the room as regular people walked by, heckling them from the real world. After their extended study session was up, they'd have to go test their knowledge against other sleep-deprived teams. The best part of all was the final round, where they essentially put the final team to bed, turning out the lights, tucking them in bed, and forcing them to listen to some of the most pointless fact in the world for 60 seconds. At the end of the 60 seconds, they'd be woken up by some really obnoxious form of alarm clock and asked which of the pointless facts from their bedtime story (of sorts) they could remember. Classic.

I was talking to my mom last night as she was browsing through Pinterest, I guess, or whatever it is that you call that. Pinting? Pinteresting? Anyway, she asked me which of these three options I would select: "Single," "Taken," or "Secretly in a relationship with a celebrity that doesn't even know you exist"... After thinking about it for a second, I think I'm secretly in love with either Carrie Underwood or the girl in the pink spandex pants from the gym yesterday. She was like an angel from Heaven. Oh wait. My grandma is reading this... Next topic.

I'll have you know that I picked her to win "American Idol".

It snuck up on us, but it's here! It's the first week of of April! That means a couple different things: Firstly, March is over and so is March Madness. The fact that the NCAA tournament ended on April 2nd was slightly disturbing to Loyal Subscriber Andrea Chapman, who believes that the Madness should remain in March. Well, it's over now, so there won't be any more March Madness in this blog, I can assure you of that. However, with it being the first Tuesday of the month, it's time to unleash the A-Town Mania with the debut episode of "The District: Season Two"!! I took to the Facebooks this morning to ask my so-called friends to participate in the first and inaugural episode of Season Two. I want to make this interactive (like I try - and fail - to do with the rest of the Newsletter), but I think that this idea is actually catching on. You remember those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books that we read as children? Stephanie Fox does. She admittedly cheated as she read. Didn't we all? I posted a series of polls on my Facebook wall today and asked for input. Here's what we came up with. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to "The District: Season Two - Episode One":

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Craig T. and I are best friends. We have been for years. We go way back. I mean, way back. Back to our days working at the Jordan School District mowing lawns. Those were the worst of times. I ended up getting my fingers chopped off. My brother, Austin, was eaten by a shark, if I remember correctly. And Craig T.? He was electrocuted in a mighty rain storm. Those days seem so far away that I can hardly remember them - almost as if it were all a dream. I've got all my fingers now. At least I think they're my fingers. Craig T. has stopped suffering from the chronic nightmares that he had for years. It's like we have a new lease on life. Then there's Austin. He's got a new life now, too. He's engaged. He's pretty much dead to us now. He's leaving and, frankly, we're better off without each other. After all, Lex is a better woman than I am. We've decided to meet up with Austin and say our goodbyes quickly. We exchange Man Hugs and send him off with his bride-to-be. Must be nice. I wouldn't know. Neither would Craig T. We've got each other and that's all we need for now. Until one day when we try to play our favorite game. Red Rover. It's hard to play by ourselves. We've got to find somebody else to play with. (Even then, it's still a really, really short game.)

We scoured the phone book for weeks. Then we realized that we were looking through the Yellow Pages, which only contains businesses and hasn't been used by anybody since the Dark Ages. Instead, we hop online to see if there are any cool celebrities that we can befriend. Hey, I think. This guy looks really familiar. Yeah, that's right! He came to my college graduation! It's my old friend and full-time heart throb, Donald Osmond. I call him "Donny." There's a problem, though. He's off being a busy little bee. It appears that he's down in Utah County touring stake conferences, providing special musical numbers. He's got a male modeling job on the side. I wish I was an ultra-attractive Mormon with a good singing voice. That would be awesome. Craig T. and I start ward hopping in Happy Valley in an attempt to catch up with Donny's tour. He calls it the "Celestial Caravan," apparently. (This experience is especially exciting, you see, because Craig T. isn't yet a member of my church. I offer him several free DVDs.) After three and a half months of going from stake to stake, we finally see it, clear as day. A giant tour bus parked behind the stake center. Duh.

We run up to the door of the tour bus and knock that sucker down. There he is. Sitting in the back. Signing his autograph on the back of tithing envelopes while his stylist meticulously applies his next layer of makeup. "Donny!" I exclaim. He is startled, sending his Sharpie up the arm of the young deacon boy sitting to his side. He looks pleased to see me. I haven't had much time to hang out with my old friend since I accurately predicted that he would win "Dancing with the Stars". I explain that we need a new buddy to hang out with since Austin has left us. It takes him a moment, but he eventually comes to his senses (undoubtedly receiving revelation that he should join us).

(Commercial break)

It's two weeks later. We're back up in the greater Salt Lake metropolitan area. We've spent the last two weeks playing Rock Band 3 (I play the drums, Donny sings, and Craig T. refuses to play anything but the keyboard), eating gummy bears, and sleeping in tents. Fashionable tents. And we shower daily. Often ordering Little Caesar's. Things like that. It's grand. One day after we were exiting the movie theater (we saw "Footloose" - Craig T. and I hated it, but Donny loved it), we notice something highly disturbing. There is a car parked on the sidewalk right outside the entrance. It looks like it has been crashed there. There's a man falling head-first out of the driver's-side door. He looks like he's in terrible shape. We walk around to inspect him. Oh yeah. It's not a good scene. His eyes are rolled back into his head and he is drooling up his face. (I mentioned that he was hanging out of the door, right? Thus, the drool running up his face, not down it. Whatever.) Anyway, we leave him there. I'm afraid of germs. So is Craig T. Donny is too busy posing for a picture next to the scene. I take a look around the area to see what might have caused the incident. Aha! I see it sitting sideways in the back seat. I could never forget this stuff. You see, I had used it with Austin back in the days when we had mowed lawns. It was good for gasoline, but could be potentially fatal if ingested or used in some other unorthodox manner. Same type of container - a thick, rubber tank. Red. With a yellow nozzle. Of course. This was a can of "Whoop Grass."

It's not long until the authorities start showing up. Cops arrive by the dozens. Not only is this Whoop Grass lethal, but it's also extremely rare and valuable. Goes for a bundle on the Black Market. Not that I'd know from experience. The cops start asking us tons of Questions, many of which I simply don't have answers for. But I guess they see potential in us. Whether for our looks or otherwise, we may never be entirely sure, but they think we're great. They want us to help out in the investigation for the stolen cans of Whoop Grass. I look at Craig T. Craig T. looks at me. Donny looks at himself. In the side-view mirror of the car. I look at the cop with the bushy handlebar mustache. We've got nothing else to do, other than sit around reading The Hunger Games and weeping at the sad story of Gale and the Friend Zone. "We're in!" I respond to him with conviction. Then I look down at the shining badge that is pinned snugly to the lapel of his overcoat.

The District.

Bam.

(Fade to black)

--

Holy crap, that's awesome!! Who can wait until next month? I know I can't!

Before we close up shop, as it were, the Shoutout of the Week goes to... the girl with the pink spandex pants! Call me!

That's about it for this week. Hope you peeps enjoyed it and somehow managed to make it to the end of the Issue. I know it was a long one. But hey, put it this way: If I wasn't an awesome writer with the most incredible imagination and opinions of all time, there's no way I'd be able to write this much. I'll be back next Tuesday with, by far, the most famous person (other than myself) to ever be featured in the Newsletter! I've got her signed on to be the guest blogger next week and, let me just say this, it will be a segment you won't want to miss.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron