Signs of the Times, Issue No. 186 - 12/13/11

The world in hi-definition.

Greetings to one and all. The storm's a-comin', people. The storm is a-comin'. I warned you all on Facebook, but... it's time for another A-Town rampage. Topics to be discussed today: The wrath of A-Town, ugly sweater parties, and Cody's birthday. On we go!


In a non-traditional way, let's start off the Issue with the Shoutout of the Week. The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to my employer - ZAGG. I was in attendance at the fourth annual ZAGG company Christmas party last weekend. ZAGG employees have been telling me about past Christmas parties ever since I got the job in May. In the last few years, the company has given all its employees $1000 travel vouchers, stock options, and, last year, iPads. That's pretty dang awesome. They'd kept this year's present on the down-low, so nobody really knew what would be given away. As if a night in Stein-Ericksen Lodge in Park City wasn't enough, we were catered to for a fancy dinner and, after a little game of "Let's Make a Deal," the company CEO announced that each employee would be receiving their choice between a $500 American Express gift card or a brand new, 40" Sharp flat screen TV. Needless to say, I took the television. How awesome is that? I'm lucky to work for such an awesome company that really does take care of their customers. Thanks, ZAGG!

Oh heck yeah.

As awesome as it is to get a huge new hi-def TV, it put me in kind of a rough spot. I didn't have anyhere to put it! I already have a big TV in my bedroom because, honestly, there's just not anywhere else in our house for it. What I ended up doing was clearing off the top of the huge, box-like TV that's already taking up a good chunk of my puny room and put the new TV on top of it. (You might be a redneck if...) Austin and I set up the TV last night. The difference between the old, standard-definition TV and the new, digital one is remarkable. We checked out a few minutes of a couple different Blu-ray movies and played a little bit of Playstation and I'm super excited to get better-acquainted with my new baby. And I suddenly regretted having my entire "Star Wars" Blu-ray marathon in standard def. Might have to do it all over again.


So... (*deep, preparatory breaths*) ... As many of you have noticed, I was able to bring a guest up to the five-star resort on Friday. Why wouldn't I take somebody? They let every employee that was planning on attending invite one guest to come with them, so how dumb would it have been for me to say, "Oh, no thanks. I'll come alone"? With Austin and Cody having obligations on Saturday morning, there was one obvious choice for somebody to take. Subscribers, meet Janae. Janae has been a really good friend to me since June of this year. Why take Janae? Well... I knew she'd say yes if I asked her and I knew we'd have fun together. Simple. I took Janae and we had a blast. We enjoyed dinner, we tore it up on the dance floor, and, after the dance, we tried on those comfy hotel bathrobes that I've always wanted to wear. Whilst modeling those robes, we took some pictures. Heck, why not? Do you people expect me NOT to take pictures in a five-star hotel robe - or with a cute girl who got all dolled up for a Christmas party? I'd expect that you would be more upset with me if I DIDN'T take pictures on such occasions... (*in... out... in... out...*)

So... why is everybody making such a huge deal about me and Janae taking pictures together?!? Goodness, gracious! I typically try not to post pictures of me with girls because of this very reason. One picture - and Heaven forbid that it be taken in a HOTEL!! - and it's like the end of the world for some of you! I lost track of how many girls felt the need to send me personal messages saying, "So Aaron, what's the deal with you and this girl in bath robes??" What is that supposed to be? A guilt trip?? It's not like we broke any commandments. Let me rephrase that. We didn't break any commandments. Why the hostility? I had to add a special caption to the caption on that picture on Facebook: "**DISCLAIMER** For all of you jealous girls and concerned relatives and/or ecclesiastical leaders, it is apparently of note to mention that both of us are fully-clothed and remained so throughout the remainder of the company Christmas party. Geez." Just because I wore a fancy hotel robe over my clothes in the presence of a woman doesn't make me a bad person. Back off. Goodness.

How about that girl who went way out of her way to send me some fruit for my birthday last month? A couple of you joked that it was probably my mom. Nope. It wasn't. It was somebody else. And that "somebody else", who just got unofficially engaged three-and-a-half weeks after said birthday delivery, told me I should just marry Janae since I'd already taken her on our honeymoon. Are you serious? That's rich, coming from you, ma'am. There's nothing I hate more in life (other than Boise State football) than taking dating advice from somebody who recently got engaged or married. Just because you had success (more often than not with somebody who isn't even physically attractive, in my opinion), doesn't mean you're Queen of the Universe. Contrary to your own belief, you don't know everything about relationships. I once had a girl who told me to quit a job I had about two years ago because I'd never be able to get an adequately-sized ring for potential fiancee working at a job like that. True story. She told me to quit my job and move out of my parents' house. I wouldn't even tell something like that to my best friend. You've got to be kidding me.

For people to freak out this much over a couple harmless pictures or one fancy date is preposterous to me. I have a friend who was recently taken to The Roof in Salt Lake City by a girl to celebrate his graduation from college. Did people give him crap about that? I don't think so. Not that I know of, anyway. Maybe it's just me? What did I do to deserve this?? If I were to freak out every time I saw any of you girls posting pictures with guys (and many of these guys look like total winners, by the way... total, shirtless winners), I'd have died of a heart attack long, long ago. Who cares if I take a picture with a girl? You should be proud of the fact that I actually made it a priority to be seen anywhere other than my home or the workplace. I understand (from personal experience, as I'm sure you're all well-aware) that, if a girl isn't exclusively dating me, she's probably dating a few other people, as well. Heck, even sometimes when she IS exclusively dating me, she's still dating somebody else. So what the heck is wrong with one nice date and a few G-rated pictures?? NOTHING!!! (Now if I had taken pictures in a robe with another guy... THEN you could be worried... But this?? Come on!) I've been known to go on a rampage or two on the dating frontier, but that's not because I see some photogenic guy on somebody's Facebook wall. It's because I thought things were getting a little serious-ish between me and the girl and I found out that the girl had also gone on seven dates in a two-week period - with one, singular guy!That's P.M.U.!! Or because I went on a date with a girl and two days later there were engagement-esque pictures taken in a grassy meadow with some loser guy all up and down my news feed on Facebook. You can't escape that stuff. Again, P.M.U.!! Or because I took my then-girlfriend to a concert and got dumped two days later because she felt like we "weren't really even dating." Need I say it once more? (P.M.U.!!)

I've often thought that, if and/or when I actually do get married, it would be the wedding of the century. That all my Loyal Subscribers, my Twitter followers, and my Facebook friends would be so happy for me that I finally found "the one"... but, as time goes on, I realize that it will actually be, like... the most hated day of the century. There are some crazy girls out there that are jeaaaalllloouuuuuuusss!! I don't really understand why this is... It's not like they're lining up to date me... until I get on "The Amazing Race"... Then they'll all come running. (P.M.U.) Ridiculous. But seriously, girls... You know who you are. I've gotten a couple different messages lately telling me that you think I'm terrible and you don't want to talk to me anymore because of the pictures I posted on Facebook. If that's really, really the case, then who the heck cares? See ya! Delete my number. Unfriend me on Facebook. Unfollow me on Twitter. If what I do and who I talk to really bothers you that much, you're much better cutting that drama and those worries out of your life completely, anyway. Amen and amen.

You bet. Sue me.

Onto the next troublesome topic. There has been a popular craze since before I can remember where people have what they refer to as "Ugly Christmas Sweater parties." I've never understood why this would appeal to anyone. Sure, I guess it's funny to look at other people as they're dressed up like nerds, but why would I pay money to get something considered "ugly"? I'd much rather spend my time and money on things that would make me look attractive and that I can wear more than once a year.

These guys are COOL!

I'll tell you what... I love Christmas, but I hate Christmas shoppers. Calm the heck down, people. It's not MY fault that you procrastinated your Christmas shopping. It's not MY fault that USPS First Class Mail is three-to-seven business days. It's not MY fault that all these customers keep placing orders and everything is out of stock. It's not MY fault that, with all the orders that have been placed, your order isn't going to ship for a few more days and that, then, it will be three-to-seven additional business days. And NO!, you CAN'T still get the Cyber Monday discount!!


On the bright side, the one festive, happy, and jolly thing you CAN count on and look forward to every Christmas, other than Saint Nicholas, himself, is another "Signs of the Times" Christmas card. It's coming soon, my friends. Very, very soon.

More good news: Remember the missing hoodie string that I reported last week? It turned up again. Whoever stole it must have felt ashamed after reading last week's Newsletter. (Five of the 10 voters on the blog site last week believe the thief was Donny Osmond. We may never know.)

The fantasy football Game Ball goes to... Shonn Greene of the hated Team TARDIS. He must have seen me mocking him last week when I gave him the Game Ball for being on the bench. This week he went back out and carried the ball 24 times for 129 yards and a TD, with three catches for 58 yards and a total of 55.20 fantasy points. This again puts Mr. TARDIS back into first place for the time being, putting the A-Town Assassins, Gridlock, and Team TARDIS at a dead-heat coming down the home stretch for the final three weeks of the season. Only 70 points separate the first three teams on the leaderboard... It's anyone's game from here!

Dang.

And finally, we finish the Issue right where we began. Another Shoutout of the Week. Happy birthday to my brother, Cody, who, much to my dismay, is a much better man than I am and ended up taking out that little brat from last week, despite her not answering him until a couple days before the dance. Good kid, Cody. It's Cody's birthday today. He's turning 17. Growing up before our very eyes. Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! You look like a monkey... aaaaaand you smell like one too! HA! Haven't said that since I was like seven years old.

That's about it for this week, children! Happy Tuesday to you! And remember - next time you see a picture of two people who look like they're dating... So what? What if they are? Isn't that what people my age are supposed to be doing? Hmmph...

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron