Signs of the Times, Issue No. 170 - 08/23/11

Back to school, back to school to prove to my dad that I'm not a fool...

Greetings to one and all on this Back to School Tuesday. Well... Back to School for many of you. But not for me. Today, we discuss the many facets of Back-to-School-ness. Such highly-educational topics to be discussed include: My official hibernation, the smell of success, instant disorientation, making money (by the books), the new line of #BackToSchoolProducts, actually having to talk to your family in person, and the keeping the liberals off of America's smartest Street. On we go.

It's that time of year, people. It's time for the youth of the nation to pick up their textbooks and bags, their note paper and writing utensils and return to the classroom. For me, this will be the first real semester I've been done with school. I can't exactly recall the feelings I had at this point in January when people were starting up school and I thought I was done with school because I ended up having to go back to school for another internship with K-UTE Radio a couple weeks later. That was unfortunate. I loved working with the station, don't get me wrong. I had just mentally graduated back in December, so having to go make up eight additional credits was not exactly what I had in mind. But now, with that illustrious piece of paper they call a diploma in hand, they can't make me go back anymore. I'm done... for the time being. Maybe I'll go back eventually if occasion requires, but for now, no. These days as a Bachelor of the Arts I've got much bigger things going on in my life. Like sitting on the couch and blog about all the rest of you people who do have to go back to school. In my never-ending quest for topics to discuss, I took again to Facebook to ask my online friends what they'd like me to talk about. Most of the responses came from my various friends that just so happen to be school teachers, so I wasn't sure how I'd approach some of their ideas, but I've got it. We'll see how this turns out.

Kim Anderson, one of my school teacher friends, says I should talk about the smell of new school supplies. Um... Kim? Do I look like the kind of person that likes the smell of new school supplies? I'll tell you what, though. I think Crayola should come up with a new kind of crayon - the scented crayon. I remember back in the day when there were scented markers. Those things were 85% delicious-smelling and 15% nasty, not to mention that this was back in the day before sniffing markers was not a very smart thing to do. Can you imagine the wonders that a box of 250 sniffing-safe crayons would do? We always liked crayons like "macaroni and cheese," "plum," and "maize," but imagine if they actually smelled like those flavors! Then we could get creative with it. What exactly would "tickle me pink" smell like? Cotton candy? Bubble gum? "Robin's egg blue"? Would that smell like a bird? Or scrambled eggs? How about one of my personal favorites, "brick red"? Would it smell like a construction site or a mason's brick-laying materials? Ah, how interesting. Plus, imagine how productive the kids would be in arts and crafts period. They'd never want to stop coloring. Then, Crayola could really capitalize around Thanksgiving and Christmastime and come out with new holiday crayons such as "pine tree," "turkey," "gravy," and a mystery color called "wrapped present." Upon first whiff, the color-er would be greeted with the amazing smell of surprise that each child smells as he or she unwraps presents. That's what it would smell like. The color would be sparkling silvery-white-ish. Kind of like those mystery Airheads. No color and no distinguishable taste... but they taste so good. Everybody would want the "wrapped present" crayon.

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I'm telling you.

Jessica Turner, another teacher, wanted me to talk about the best and worst pranks/jokes/things that students do or say to teachers, but, since I'm not a teacher (per se), so I wouldn't really know. Due to my extremely shy nature as a school boy, especially in my younger years, I don't really have any personal experiences to draw on, but, well, come to think of it, there was one thing we did to my English teacher in 10th grade. She kept leaving the room for extended periods of time to meet with another teacher in the hallway (allegedly), so after a while, we had the brilliant idea to turn every single desk in the room to face the opposite side of the classroom. We quickly rearranged the desks and tried hard to wipe the smiles from our mischievous faces. As our teacher re-entered the room, she was clearly taken by surprise - and her disorientation showed on her face. After a moment, she began teaching from the new "front" of the class. Later during the class, she stepped out again and we decided that on a given cue (we were reading aloud as a class and an appointed student would ask twice what page we were on), we'd all stand simultaneously and flip our desks back around, then sit down like nothing happened. It worked to perfection, leaving our poor teaching in bewilderment.

Like this.

Another topic suggested by Rebecca Roberts (not a teacher... or at least not that I know of) was the price of textbooks. Honestly, this is something that bothered me incredibly as a college student. Eventually, I learned the secret ways of the bookbuyer by going to Amazon and buying all my required texts online at a discounted price, sometimes saving upwards of $200. I hated buying books at inflated costs from the campus bookstore, as I'm sure most poor college students do, but what is perhaps more distressing is the buyback program. Buying a book for $350 and selling it back at the end of the semester for $7.25 (and that's a real deal right there, folks) so the bookstore can sell it back used for $200 is just not a whole lot of fun. There's an idea, though. I've found a new business venture - a new career path, I suppose you could say. I now aspire to be whoever is in charge of profits for a school bookstore. That's some crazy business! Then the next year, as long as the publishers and text book peeps keep coming out with new editions each year, you could make even more money! It's the proverbial cash cow: an eternal source of money coming in from those poor, unfortunate college kids.

I was thinking of ways to make public schools more exciting and fun for you school boys and girls and wanted to see if any of you Subscribers had some input in that marvelous segment called Hashtag Mania on Twitter. The Hashtag I invited my followers to use was #BackToSchoolProducts in an attempt to introduce the new fall line of school supplies. I started and, well, at least Janae (school teacher) was following.

@atownmania - An alarm clock that shreds $100 bills when it goes off - sure to get even the laziest of students out of bed on time! #BackToSchoolProducts [In all fairness, this isn't even my idea. I read a blog about it once. Great idea, though!]

@SaysJanae - A robot parent that makes students do their homework. #BackToSchoolProducts

@atownmania - @SaysJanae Robot students that don't need parents. #BackToSchoolProducts

@SaysJanae - Unlimited paper and pencil dispensers. #BackToSchoolProducts

@atownmania - @SaysJanae The Ink Glove - a new, prosthetic appendage students use to write with their fingers. No pencils required! #BackToSchoolProducts

@SaysJanae - Automated organizers. #BackToSchoolProducts

@SaysJanae - A face slapper. Guaranteed to wake a dozing student. #BackToSchoolProducts

@SaysJanae - Teenage muzzle. Teacher-friendly. #BackToSchoolProducts

This is some good stuff. One of these days, this Twitter thing is going to take off. Until then, Janae and I will continue to tweet away for your semi-amusement.

This is the only one I could find.

Here's an article I saw last night. Check it out (or at least the first half of it, anyway). http://tinyurl.com/43cpjty The "Facebook law," they call it. I have no problem with that. The law essentially says that teachers cannot have exclusive conversations with their students on Facebook. That's a pretty safe way to prevent anything inappropriate from happening, especially in a world full of those incarcerated, psycho, cougar 40-year-old teachers going after their high school juniors. But say, like in this instance, that the teacher has offspring that are enrolled in that same educational institution. What happens then? Apparently this lady hasn't been able to talk to her own child on Facebook since the "Facebook law" has been enacted. That's P.M.U.!! But hey, here's a solution. It's something called "the dinner table." #justsayin

This kid prefers Facebook.

Finally, let's take a trip to the past and revisit something that I found highly educational in my younger years: Sesame Street. Recently, Twitter was ablaze with rumors, gossip, and commentary about an official statement issued by Sesame Street's Facebook page. People have been going nuts for Bert and Ernie to come out of the closet and get married. This is truly one of the most preposterous things I've ever heard in my life. Sesame Street issued a statement on August 11th regarding the worldwide same-sex marriage petitions, which said:

"Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. ... Although they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets do), they remain puppets and do not have a sexual orientation."

That is ridiculous. Why? Why do they need to clarify this? I know this world loves being different, accepting others, regardless of their "preferences," and emphasizes a need for political correctness in all facets of life, but I say that sometimes being "politically correct" is really just being flat-out stupid. How dare these petitioners pollute and attempt to corrupt an inherently good and wholesome program like Sesame Street. What a shame - and clearly deserving of induction to The Boo Box. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

Here's a Shoutout of the Week for all the fellas out there that aren't in school anymore. I need some buddies to hang out with when I get off work these days. I don't know who you guys are or where you are, but perhaps this Shoutout will entice you to come out of hiding and reveal yourselves.

That's about it for this week. Thanks for reading. Now hit the books.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron