Signs of the Times, Issue No. 147 - 03/08/11

Welcome to Earth.

Greetings to one and all. My name is Aaron and, you guessed it - this is my Newsletter. Topics to be discussed today: Charlie Sheen's fall from grace, Brandon Davies' fall from grace, my subconscious' fall from grace, Deron Williams' fall from grace, and the best alien movie ever made. On we go!

You know what's wrong with this world? We love people like Charlie Sheen. I don't even know what his deal is. He woke up on the wrong side of the bed one day and went off on his producers and now everyone loves him? The man is insane. He has tiger blood? He has magic coming out of his fingertips? What? Or, perhaps my favorite: He is on a drug - and that drug is "Charlie Sheen." What an idiot. The guy has over 2 million followers on Twitter and he just started a week ago. I have 70, plus or minus, and I've been tweeting since November. Almost every day, some Sheen-ism is trending on Twitter, whether it is "Charlie Sheen," "Two and a Half Men," "#tigerblood," or some variation of "#winning," this guy has created a cult following in less than a month. And you know what? It's driving me crazy. This little paradox we've got ourselves here is a combination of oh-so-many segments. Though Mr. Sheen believes to have re-created his image and given new birth to his career, he has essentially become what Richard Brunson and I affectionately call a XCOTW - an Ex-Celebrity of the Week. You've got no reason to be famous anymore. Your career is over. You don't deserve the attention you're getting, so enjoy it while it lasts. You, Charlie Sheen, are an overgrown baby. The only reason you're famous right now is because you've gotten yourself fired. Unemployment is nothing to be celebrated. People all across the country have lost their livelihoods because of layoffs, the downturn in the economy, and the unfortunate predicament of getting the ax and they scramble for weeks, months, and even years without finding another way to make money... and you're thriving off of it?! Ohhhh, Charlie Sheen... Moving on.

I'm Charlie Sheen and I'm an idiot.

The other big news this past week was the dismissal of BYU center Brandon Davies for violating the honor code. This is an absolute killer for BYU as they were poised to potentially nab a one-seed heading into the NCAA basketball tournament. Honestly, this could not have come at a worse time for the team. Davies was, dare I say, the second biggest offensive threat on the team, next to Mr. the Jimmer, and losing Davies arguably cost the team their game against New Mexico last week. Will this have repercussions on the team come tourney time? How far will the team make it now? These are all things I could discuss, but I won't, since I don't consider myself an expert on the subject. What I can discuss, however, is that I support BYU's decision to kick him off the team. Like that story you always heard as a young kid about the boy who carries the snake to the top of the mountain and then gets bitten, to which the snake snidely states, "You knew what I was when you picked me up," Brandon Davies knew what he was getting himself into when he agreed to play for BYU. He knew the rules and everybody in the state knows what happens when you break BYU's rules. As I stated on Facebook last week, I feel bad for BYU. As a Utah Jazz fan, a New Orleans Saints fan, and a Chicago Cubs fan, I've had crappy things happen to my team pretty frequently and I feel BYU's pain. But I am thankful to them for enforcing their honor code, even when it costs your team a shot at a national championship. It shows people that there is more to life than winning. Nobody in the national media truly understands the honor code. Many people support BYU; many people can't believe BYU; many people understand BYU, but don't understand why they couldn't wait three weeks to enforce the punishment. BYU did the right thing by kicking Davies off the team (but not off the bench, apparently, which I thought was a little strange - if I were Davies, I wouldn't leave my house until May!) and I wish them the best of luck in the tournament. But, win or lose, BYU fans should be happy, not with Davies, but with their school's administration. Good work, fellows.

President Obama loves the Cougars.

I haven't had a single WalMart Fruit Smile in a month or two. And before I had one package back then, it had been... whew... who knows how long? So I can't blame my recent dreams on the hallucinogenic snacks. But seriously, for the past two weeks, I've been having the most messed up dreams ever. In the past 14 days or so, I have had dreams that I was at a Creed concert in some kid's basement (Scott Stapp was old and overweight), I was framed for stealing a car back in 1940, I was on a cruise ship's softball team (they played with croquet balls and the team was horrible), I had been sending mass texts of jibberish to everyone in my phone (and Danny Glover), and a Utah sports journalist punched another one right in the face at a press conference. That's just to name a few! And all these dreams have seemed incredibly real. After waking up at 5:30 in the morning on the night of my pending incarceration for grand theft auto, I sat straight up in my bed, rubbed my head, and almost said a prayer because I was so thankful that the dream wasn't real. It's getting to the point where I think I might need to get a totem a la "Inception" to help me remember when I'm actually awake. I should start a dream journal or something. I think I'd call it "When Fiction Meets Reality" or something like that. This stuff is crazy. It deprives me of sleep, but I kind of love it. What causes these dreams? Why do I have such crazy dreams every single night? I have no idea... Another topic for another day, perhaps.

Gotta get me one of deez!

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "To the editor,

Is it true that 5% of Canadians don't know the first seven words of the Canadian national anthem, but know the first nine of the American anthem, while 7% of Americans don't know the first nine words of the American anthem, but know the first seven words of the Canadian anthem?... by the way, another great edition."

Just wondering,

- Kerry Canuck

A. "Oh Canada, our home and native land..." Hmmm... I suppose it could be. Just ask Christina Aguilera how many Americans know the words to our national anthem. Thanks for the Question.

I'm going to ignore "Becky" who commented on my last Issue. That's what we call "taking the high road." Instead, we'll defer to the Two-Minute Instant Message with the man, the myth, the legend... my right-hand man, Austin. I will be in red and Austin will be in green. Enjoy.

What's up man? Back for the break, huh?

Yes, back in the Land of the Ice and Snow.

Some Spring Break, eh?

Nothing says "Spring Break" like shoveling the walks.

Was that you out there helping the widow with her driveway?

Yes, she gave me a spirited smile. Was that you waving your shovel at the bus driver?

Indeed. I raised my shovel toward the heavens in form of salutation for the passing school bus.

Very well. He was pleased to see you, to say the least.

Seemed like it. Well, tell me, my boy - we've watched many a movie in the past few days. Which was your favorite thus far?

I would have to say "Independence Day," one of the few movies that I can actually remember going to the theater to see and walking out seriously frightened that aliens would attack us on our excursion to Burger King after the film.

If I remember correctly, there was a lunar eclipse that night.

True.

In fact, we still jumped a time or two the other night.

Indeed we did. I caught air.

Bounced right off the mattress.

Yes I did. More than once.

They don't let you out much, do they?

It's only apparent.

Well, time's up. Any last words?

Be excellent to each other.

Pullman for President.

"We're going to live on. We're going to survive!"

Release... Me...

Hey, did you guys see that Deron Williams is wearing a headband now? And it's crooked. Ugh. Loser. Yet another example of the downfall of ex-Jazz players. They leave Jerry Sloan, they leave our system, and they turn into punks... and consequently are far less successful in the process. I hope the Nets lose every game for the rest of the season - not just to see Deron continue to whine like a baby - but because it will get the Jazz a better draft pick in the lottery. We're currently sitting at number six and can hopefully wind up with a top-five pick. When it comes to the Deron Williams, his new headband, and the New Jersey Nets, there's just one word that comes to mind. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

At least he was smiling back then.

Let's get some Shoutouts of the Week out there. First of all, Kristin Manning deserves one for "liking" all my reviews on Examiner.com. Nobody cares about them anymore except for her, but she helped me make 33 cents yesterday. Only 11 more cents until I break the $11-mark. I'm just rolling in the dough. And secondly, I have to give a Shoutout to this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=151E65Gld94

That's about it for this week. Hope you enjoyed it. I'm sure you did. You always do. Except for "Becky," who hates me. Enjoy your week, peeps.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron