Signs of the Times, Issue No. 19 - 08/12/08

"The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for."


Greetings to one and all on an important day in the history of my employment. There are things aplenty of which need to be spoken of. Topics to be discussed today: The Olympic Games, the reign of reality television, brand new old stuff, shaking your booty, the Redeem Team, and the softer side of Guitar Center. On we go!


First and foremost, the XXIX Summer Olympic Games are in full swing and the only thing filthier than the air quality is how I feel about the French 4 x 100 swimming relay team. **ZING!!** Seriously, though. I love the Olympics. It's not every day that I stay up until 11:30 to watch men's gymnastics. (Maybe that's a stretch.) This is intense stuff.Did everybody see that swimming relay? That was incredible!! If there is one thing I hate in sports, it's cockiness. So to see those Frenchies choke after talking so much trash about us was classic. The last leg of that race was the most riveting forty-five seconds of sports I've seen in who knows how long?! As soon as the results were in, our family room exploded into pandemonium and the cheers continued through the ensuing two minutes of instant replay. (How you can stretch a two second clip out for two minutes is another story, but really - it was crazy.) What makes this moment even better is that the swimmer we essentially beat is the dingbat who said he came to the Olympics just to smash us.



As I said, I love the Olympics. "One world, one dream," right? Wrong. Although it's nice and heart-warming to see teams from Iraq, Afghanistan, and other impoverished and underprivileged nations come to compete. It's great to watch the Australians and Great Britain, but let's be honest - deep down inside, this is war. Casualties are inevitable and when it really comes down to it, we want American supremacy. If somebody has to trip, you hope it's the Russians. Admit it.


You heard it here first - Reality televistion bonds families together. I know there are lots of haters out there that want to discredit my beloved programming, but I'm serious - I don't know where my family would be without reality TV. The first reality show I remember watching was the first season of "Survivor" about fifteen years ago. In my skewed mind, it seemed like glorified suicide - thirty-nine days on a deserted island with nothing but tapioka and cameramen - are you kidding me?!? Little did I know that that one hour would alter the course of my mortal existence... With a full head of steam, stemming from the amazing and satisfying finale of "The Mole" last night, I submit to you four reasons why reality shows are the best things since the compact disk:

*They give me something to do with my time. What would I do if I wasn't watching TV? Actually, don't answer that.
*They provide for great mealtime discussion. I've never been a huge fan of tedious chit chat, i.e. the weather, what everyone did at work, junk like that. The majority of my favorite mealtime discussions have been based on three subjects: 1) the Gospel (I still remember when my dad explained exaltation for the first time), 2) sports (time to vent about how much we hate Kobe), and 3) the brilliant strategy displayed by various competitors in last week's episode.
*They give us people to laugh at. Take, for example, "Wipeout" and "I Survived a Japanese Gameshow." You've all heard it a million times. Somewhat similarly to how going to church on Sundays "recharges your batteries," or whatever everyone always says, I strangely rely on mindless comedy to maintain sanity throughout the work week. From adults dressed like toddlers to castaways playing a fake immunity idol in Tribal Council, sometimes you can't help but laugh.
*They teach moral principles to children. Form a strong group of friends. Learn to share. Mind your manners - Someone is always watching you. Play fair. Don't lie. Unless you have to. Then do it often and do it well. It might earn you a million dollars. And if any of your friends turn on you... Get 'em.

In conclusion, I affirm that the world is a better place because of reality television for the aforementioned reasons. Who dares speak the contrary?


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "To the editors at 'Signs of the Times,'
What is up with Brett Favre? Does anybody really care?
Sign Me,"
A Wisconsin Cheese Head

A. Here's an interesting little tidbit for you - Favre was recently traded to the New York Jets. He is currently featured on the latest installment of the popular video game, "Madden NFL 2009." The cover art shows him in a Packers uniform, which is now, ironically, outdated, thus prompting EA Sports to offer gamers an alternate cover of Favre in a practically Photoshopped Jets jersey. As far as I know, this is the first game to offer an updated cover for a game on its release date.



Q. "Dear A-Town -I just love those commercials that have people dancing all over the place, don't you? Speaking of dancing, when was the last time you did the Mamushka?"
All my love
- Morticia

A. I danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled, I danced the Mamushka at Waterloo. I danced the Mamushka for Jack the Ripper, and now, Morticia Addams, this Mamushka is for you.


[Aaron takes a break to dance the Mamushka]


Q. "Hello there From Dudley Do-Right way up North with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
It has come to my attention that your USA Basketball team had the opportunity to play the boys from the North with that beloved Ute, Tyler Kepkay. Eh, I think that the boys did ok for themselves, I mean who did we have out there on the floor? I didn't see Steve Nash out there for the boys from the Frigid North. Eh! Then along come our mates from Down Under (I mean the Thunder Down Under) without that beloved Ute Andrew Bogut and, well, you blokes beat the short-handed Boomers 87-76. (Auzzie, Auzzie, Auzzie!) So my question is: Can you Yanks win the Gold Medal?
Sign me - "Utah Man Sir"
- Dudley Do-Right, Protector of the Frozen Tundra
Her Majesty's Royal Canadian Mounted Police
"God Save the Queen"

A. It should be no huge surprise that I am not the biggest US basketball fan in the world, mostly due to the fact that Kobe Bryant and LeBron James play for them. I have a real hard time cheering for selfish players and, once again, cockiness comes into play here. However, I caught a little bit of the US/China game on Sunday morning and I was quite impressed. I still cringed every time I would see Kobe, and especially when he'd take one of his crazy 1-on-4 twisting fade-aways from behind the three point line, but overall, we seemed to easily dominate the Chinese and I was quite impressed. Could this be because Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are on the team? Probably. But if that's what it takes, we should put a couple Jazz players on the team every four years and I'll guarantee President Bush that I'll never be semi-happy when we lose in the semifinals ever again. I predict gold for our homeboys.


Remember, you can submit Questions to "Signs of the Times" for Issue No. 20 NOW by emailing Management at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.


Today is the end of my illustrious career at Guitar Center. It's been a good run. It was frustrating as heck to begin with, but ultimately, I am glad that I worked there. I earned over $5,000 this summer, plus several hundred extra dollars based on performance and a bunch of other free junk, including a t-shirt, drumsticks, and a banjo. Though my early schedule basically killed my night life, it always got me home before 5, which was nice. I will definitely not miss talking to stupid customers every day, hanging out with pot smokers, worrying about watts vs. ohms ratios, or that stupid line that the headphones would leave indented into my hair, but there will always be a soft spot in my heart for Behringer 200W floor monitors...

I would like to shed light on the softer side of Guitar Center - the side that many didn't know exists. The side that is hidden behind all the scraggly hair and baggy black jeans. Being bilingual raised many questions and allowed me many opportunities to talk to my coworkers about my mission. I stuck out like a sore thumb at the call center, being one of the very, very few short-haired, untattooed employees. It was a good opportunity for me to share the Gospel by example, which I didn't necessarily mean to do. However, I was frequently asked about my mission, missionary rules, and how I learned Spanish. Everybody at work knew that I don't drink, smoke, party, or watch rated-R movies. Other than being on the mission, I haven't really ever been in a situation like this. It was kind of nice. Will I miss Guitar Center and my days of waking up at 5:45 to monotonously answer the phone? Not entirely. But I think that just like I have a soft spot for them, they'll secretly have a place in their hearts for me, too.


Let's all take a deep breath now that we're all feeling nice and warm inside. There is a big announcement that needs to be made. I, Aaron Christensen, will be moving down to college this weekend. This hereby means that the next Issue of "Signs of the Times" will be published and sent forth to the world from the friendly confines of Ephraim, Utah. There is a bright, beautiful future on the horizon. That means that I will once again have hilarious things to make fun of, as opposed to the repetitive life in which I am currently inscribed. Lift up your heads, Loyal Subscribers. Next week is the Triumphant Return.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron