Signs of the Times, Issue No. 11 - 06/10/08

With so many things on television these days, one can easily become confused. What is worth the time and what is not? There are things like "TV Guide" and internet reviews that may prove helpful, but would the folks at "Signs of the Times" ever think about watching a show of lesser quality just to watch people embarrass themselves? Pass the popcorn, please.


Greetings to one and all on a beautiful Tuesday here in the land alternatively known as "Jive City, USA." As established in the last seven days, the Signs of the Times for this week are a giant waste of technological space, the makings of another dramatic faceplant, another reason I regret not getting the Wilderness Survival merit badge, and maple syrup + American pie = the return of the Two-Minute Instant Message. But what would my Newsletter be without whining about the NBA for a little bit? On we go!


Phil Jackson is at it again. And like I told the nice lady from Boston yesterday, Phil Jackson and Jazz fans go waaaaay back. What else is new? The "Zen Master" is, in many opinions, the best coach in NBA history. Pardon me, but I beg to differ. He is an ok coach, but his is just a winning coach because he only coaches superstars, and as such, he gets a lot of calls from officials. Now when the tables are turned and he doesn't get calls like in game two against the Celtics, he explodes. Poor little Phillip! What goes around comes around, pops. I predict the refs to succumb to his psychological mind powers and protect Kobe a little bit more now. (At least we can clearly see that Kobe is only as good as the refs make him. Fewer calls = fewer points...) The Lakers will get pretty much whatever they want tonight in game three and I forsee a blowout win for Los Angeles. I'm still calling the Celtics in six. It's a good time to hate the Lakers...


What's the deal with broadcasting radio shows on television? This has bothered me for quite some time. Why must we be subjected to shows like "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" or ESPN's "Mike and Mike in the Morning"? First of all, you're already taking up space on the radio. It's like overkill, I guess. If I can listen to you on the radio, why can't it just stay that way? It would be like having a TV show on an AM station. It would have no point! - which leads me to my next point. Why would I want to watch you, anyway? That's why you're on the radio!! So I don't have to look at you! The fact of the matter is that radio shows should not take the place of TV shows. Not on television, anyway. I'm all about radio shows - don't get me wrong. But there's a time and a place... The place is on the radio. And the time is 10:00 on Wednesday nights.


So this one time... my family and I were out boating. We used to like riding on tubes behind the boat and on this specific occasion, Austin and I were out on one of those fabled Water Weenies. After avoiding several hazardous waves, we collided with a gigantic wall of water, subsequently getting thrust a few feet high into the wild blue yonder. To our utter amazement, we landed safely on the tube! Only seconds after celebrating our miraculous survival and giving a couple high fives, we spotted the boat turning sharply to the right, which meant we were about to get whipped in the other direction. As the slack tightened in the rope, we hurtled forward and launched what seemed like ten feet into the air. Austin and I plummeted back down into the water. Austin hit first and I remember kicking him in the head as I landed on top of him. As I came to my senses in fear that I had just killed my brother, I searched immediately for his resurfacing corpse. I soon recognized his face and, in place of fear, he looked triumphant. Immediately, we burst into laughter and applause and cat calls ensued. Crashing is not only exciting to participate in (in some aspects), but even funnier to watch. This is precisely why I am excited for ABC's "Wipeout," which premieres on the 24th of this month. Have you seen the commercials? Hilarious! I am a little unsure of the show's premise, but it seems to be full of difficult obstacle courses which cause frequent stumbling, falling, instability, and occasional punches to the face. It's crazy! People take some pretty hard falls, by the looks of it, and we are looking forward to watching the show. Who really cares if the show is stupid or gets bad ratings? Did that stop anybody from watching "The Weakest Link?" Dumb show. But humans like seeing others get humiliated. Let's be honest - you all watched at least one episode of "The Simple Life" with Paris Hilton. Why? Because you thought it was a good show? Because you admire young Miss Hilton? Don't think so. You just wanted to mock her stupidity. It's human nature. Regardless of whether "Wipeout" is a quality program, I'm looking forward to seeing some "noobs," as Austin would say, fall on their faces.


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "Hey Aaron,
I have a question. What's with the 'Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!'? I know it all came about during my junior year with you as Band President, but I've always wondered about the makings of it. Could you please explain? "
- Danielle Jones

A. A great question, Danielle. I'm sure you're not the only one wondering. New audience, new inquiries. "Move it, sell it, and leave the door open" is a phrase I got from one of several signs that were given to the Alta High School Band in 2004-2005 by a former member of the Peer Leadership Team. It refers to one of the steps one may take to avoid peer pressure. Some of the other signs said things like "Suggest an alternative," "State the consequences," and "Ask questions." I began to bring these signs to football games on Fridays and have the band chant the phrases loudly and obnoxiously. "Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!" quickly became a favorite. Unfortunately, there is a sad ending here. Due to repeatedly holding up the signs, a nosy member of the PLT took note, thought that I had stolen the signs, and decided to steal them from me one day by sneaking into the band room. I should have pressed charges. Instead, I just made duplicates with washable markers and bright yellow posterboard.


Q. "Hey Aaron.
Have you heard of the new company, 'ChaCha?' It's this cool new thing where you text them (phone number 242242) and ask them a question. They have a live person that receives your text, researches, if necessary, on the internet, and then sends you a text answer. You should try it!"
- Nicki Mills Ortman

A. Dear "ChaCha," What, are you trying to put me out of business?!?


Q. "Dear Aaron,
Feeling adventurous?"
- Just Curious,
The Junior Mounties

A. SALUTE! Thanks for asking. You know, it's funny. I was watching this show the other day, "Man vs. Wild." Perhaps you've heard of it? Some crazy British loon decides to get dropped off in a remote desert canyon of Mexico and shows his viewing audience how to survive under various extreme conditions. The guy is totally nuts. He purposely ripped his clothes to show how he could sew it back together using a plant. He found out how deep a waterfall was by using a rock and some weeds - then jumped in, corkscrewed to safety, and dried his clothes by sleeping in between two fires, which he built while soaking wet. The man can tell how many hours of daylight are left by merely putting his fingers in between the sun and the horizon. Plus, he eats bugs and can catch a fish with his bare hands. It's insane. We changed the channel for a few minutes, so I'm guessing here, but I'm pretty sure he also fought a bear, built a log cabin, and found a cure for cancer. Am I desirous to go out and try any of this myself? Clearly, no. But I think I want to produce a spin-off of "Man vs. Wild" and pit several men against the hariest, most ferocious beast in the western hemisphere. I shall call it "Man vs. Trump." ...Oh yeah, they already made that.


Remember, you, too, can have your very own questions answered by emailing me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com. And that's... the truth...


Let's not delay. There are only a few more things to cover today. Now, it's the return of the Two-Minute Instant Message, featuring the one and only Ryan Goulding, "Signs of the Times" Super-Subscriber, who claims to especially love the blog format, which you can find 24 hours a day at www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com! My comments will be red and Ryan's will be blue. Once again, for those color-blind Subscribers out there, if you just alternate every couple lines, you should be fine. Let's see what Ryan has to say:

Ok, Ryan. Welcome to the Two Minute Instant Message, where we discuss the most important issues of economy, politics, and cheesburgers. Today I wanted to ask you a little bit about your thoughts about your upcoming move to Canada. Time's ticking. Welcome to the show.
Hello, thank you. I'm already in Canada.
Oh really? With the entire family?
No, they will be following in a few weeks. So I am living in a hotel Rick Majerus style.
Are you wearing a sweater with a red U embroidered on it?
No, but I wear only my robe around the hotel and sneak into the kitchen to make sandwiches. Just kidding.
Anyway, you're moving up there for business, right? Well I don't want to talk about business. Tell me honestly, if a Canadian and an American got in a fight, who would win and why?
Business, indeed, is boring. In your hypothetical fight--the American spectators would thirst for blood not caring who wins. The Canadian spectators would make the fight a matter of national pride and chant and wave the Maple Leaf flag to support their fighter. If the Canadian fighter loses, they Canadians will quickly point out a number of Canadian celebrities and athletes that make our U.S. lives better.
That's true. "Barenaked Ladies" are from Canada.
I haven't seen any yet. I hope not to.
Oh... Well anyway, the time's up. Any last words?
"Carpe Diem," and seize the day!
Seize the sandwich, more like it.


Well, this could be you next week. Contact me for more information.


Finally, it's time for the Shoutout of the Week. This week it goes to... Char Bridge and J.D. Lloyd! Two cool Shoutouts for two cool kids. Use them wisely - and remember, as always - Safety first.


That's about it for this week. Thanks to all those who participated, whether it be electronically or in their hearts. Have a good week. And down with Kobe.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron