Signs of the Times, Issue No. 198 - 03/06/12

It's Super Tuesday. I didn't make that up.

Greetings to one and all. Hello, hello. Is anybody out there? Oh well, whatever. My name is Aaron and this is my blog for all those of you who anonymously read it and never give me feedback. What's shakin'? Topics to be discussed today: Something that bugs me (go figure), my terrible typing, a horrible nightmare, more cinematic casting, one of the best bad movies ever, bounty hunters, the difficulty with communication in dating, and the little guy's big day. On we go!

You know what bugs me? When people at church apologize before sharing mission stories. Why is that something to apologize for? Was there a secret disclaimer in fine print somewhere that I was supposed to sign saying that once I got home from having all those marvelous experiences I couldn't talk about them? "Excuse me, everyone. I'm really, really sorry, but I'd like to share a spiritual experience that happened to me as I was serving the Lord."

I've been having a hard time typing today. I often pass the slow times at work by instant messaging the great Eileen Snow, who is hilarious, by the way. But today, for some reason, I have just been messing up a lot of my keystrokes. She told me that I should blog about it. I told her that I probably wouldn't, but she just kept pressing me about it. Like, seriously, she would not leave me alone. She mentioned the auto-correct feature on smartphones. Auto-correct has been somewhat the bane of my existence from a texting standpoint since my upgrade to the smartphone in October. The number of texts I've sent has decreased, as far as I know, and the number of typos has exponentially increased. The worst one is when I'm trying to type "and" and accidentally misspell it. I'd like to take this moment to profusely apologize when I have texted you messages saying that I like "sports, TV, movies, anal stuff like that." I wish I could just delete that term from my dictionary. I don't foresee myself having to use it in any text messages in the near future.


Here are a couple other awesome auto-correct mishaps:


Misspelled "can"; "Vanquished" appears as an option.
Misspelled "and"; "Andre" appears as an option.

Tried to type "MGM"; The phone enters "KHMER".
Misspelled "good morning"; Accidentally texted "goose morning".

I hate geese!!

I was flipping channels the other night and I came across the show "Jersey Shore." It pains me to admit, but I sat there and watched about five minutes of it. It blows my mind that people actually like this show. It is the epitome of trash, in my opinion, which, as you all know, is always right. Anyway, after I couldn't take any more of it, I mercifully changed the channel and ended up watching something else. That night as I went to sleep, I had a really rough time getting any quality shut-eye. The main reason why I didn't get a good night's rest was that I had a dream that I moved to New Jersey to go to school (allegedly) and I ended up moving in and living with the cast of "Jersey Shore." It was an absolute nightmare and I was so grateful to wake up in good old Sandy, Utah. Ugh. It was horrible. I was also glad to get back to reality that morning where my father had not traded Jeremy Evans like he did as I slumbered. I felt pretty horrible about that, too.

Imagine having to room with this guy!

In a shocking turn of events, two people actually responded to last week's segment about the movie about the life of A-Town. I'll quote their responses now.

Stephanie Fox: "Movie suggestion: the stupid-dumb girl who texted you a picture of some guy's beefiness-chest can be some sort of dispensable toady (or #2) to the villain. Who is the villain? Most likely Mr. Beefcakes himself from the picture. He sends floozies to thwart you out of ever finding your true Fancy Lady Love and tries to destroy your hopes of having an heir to A-Town. Obviously the suggestion that ROBERT PATTINSON plays you is spot on. The title of the movie should be Lifetime Channel movie-esque like 'Leave The Door Open: The Aaron Christensen Story.'"

Michael Brunson: "Villain for your film - Narrator - played by Howard
Actor for Austin - Chris Pine
Actor for me - Frank Oz (nobody knows what that guy looks like)"

Great ideas. Great suggestions. Thanks for writing in! I think that if this is a movie about the life of the man they once called A-Town, there have got to be lots of jealous and borderline-psychotic females involved, so that's right on. I think that the suggestion of Howard, the notoriously-bad narrator from "Into the Woods," is brilliant. As far as the storyline is concerned, I'm not positive yet, but I'm willing to consider more of your suggestions. Right now I'm still hard at work going through my Rolodex trying to fill other cast positions. Here's what I'm thinking so far:

Cody Christensen, played by Macaulay Culkin
Richard Brunson, played by Arnold Schwarzenneger
Jason the Barbarian as himself
Ed "E-Money" Rothlisberger, played by Cee-Lo Green
and
Scott Aylett, played by Abraham Lincoln

   

Look, Cody! It's you!

Speaking of movies, I wonder if there's anywhere in the Salt Lake Valley where I can find "The Buttercream Gang" on Blu-ray. Do you think there's such a thing? You know? "The Buttercream Gang"?? Did any of you ever see that movie? Oh man, it was a classic. Filmed in my very own stomping grounds of Draper, Utah, as a matter of fact! Basically, a bunch of good Christian boys start a "gang" to help people around town. What a noble cause. In fact, at one point, they even put the needs of the Widow Jenkins above their love of baseball. Wow. That's heart-warming. But then one day Pete, the eldest and most mature (allegedly) member of the "gang" moves to Chicago and ends up being corrupted. He returns home eventually, sporting a red bandana and some spiffy new "t'reads." What a trouble maker! Eileen and I were reminiscing about Pete and we recall the moment where he steals from the local merchant. What a rebel. He's a bad influence for Scott, Lenny, and Eldon (the remaining Buttercreamers) and he's out to destroy those clean-cut crusaders! Oh man! I've got to get this movie on Blu-ray. Please. Somebody. Help me find it. Make it happen.

DOGPILE!!

I remember a couple times when I had refilled a Sprite bottle with water and was drinking from it. An onlooker asked me if I was drinking Sprite. I told them that I wasn't. It was just water. They didn't believe me. I asked them if they wanted to try some. They told me no because they hated Sprite.

My New Orleans Saints got busted this week. They've been caught maintaining a "bounty program," where monetary incentives are handed out to defensive backs who lay an injury-inducing hit on an opponent. That's a big no-no. And it's really unfortunate that people are starting to get caught doing this sort of stuff... because I've had a bounty out on Austin for years.

 

DIE!

I've noticed something interesting lately. I'm not complaining - this is merely an observation: almost every single girl that has ever told me that they do not want to date or be in a serious relationship is married now and have been for quite some time. Occasionally, the name of a girl I went on a date or two with long ago creeps back into my memory. I hop onto Facebook and run a quick search. I think there are maybe two or three girls that come to mind that were overtly anti-dating and still remain single to this day. Those were the ones who were really set in their ways for one reason or another, be it schooling, their career path, or a couple other things that I'm too nice to mention in my blog. Everybody else is married, though, which honestly doesn't come as a complete shock to me. We all know that "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" is girl-speak for "I'm not looking for anything serious with YOU right now. Or ever, actually." Communication is one of the most difficult things about dating. As a guy who knows a thing or two about difficulty in dating, I know from experience that there is hidden meaning behind everything a girl says - and that they also frequently mis-interpret things that guys say. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the next segment of this week's Newsletter, which I'll call "He says/She hears":

He says: "Hi." She hears: "I have nothing else to say to you right now."
He says: "My day is all right." She hears: "Something bad has happened to me recently."
He says: "I'm not sure right now, but I'll let you know." She hears: "No."He says: "I'm in school." She hears: "I'm poor." (via @eileenisajerk)
He says: "I'm going to a movie with some friends." She hears: "I'm taking another girl on a date."
He says: "I've got plans this weekend." She hears: "I'm taking another girl on a date."
He says: "I'm just at home taking it easy tonight." She hears: "I'm taking another girl on a date."
He says: "Sorry I didn't respond for a bit, I was busy." She hears: "I was busy talking to another girl."
He says: "Sorry about last night, I fell asleep." She hears: "I was on a date with another girl."
He says: "I like watching sports." She hears: "I have an unhealthy addiction to sports."He says: "I'm going to watch the game." She hears: "I don't want to spend time with you." (via @crackalacka22)
He says: "I don't care for the 'Twilight' books." She hears: "I'm not interested in anything you care about."
He says: "I'm not what they would call an 'outdoorsy' person." She hears: "I never leave home."
He says: "I work in a call center." She hears: "I'm not a doctor."
He says: "I graduated from the University of Utah." She hears: "I didn't graduate from BYU."
He says: "Well, I think I'm going to hit the sack. Good night!" She hears: "I'm sick of talking to you."He says: "I'm not ready to be exclusive with you just yet." She says: "You aren't good enough for me."
He says: "I can't come over for family dinner." She hears: "I hate your family and I'm afraid you're going to become just like you're mother." (via @eileenisajerk)He says: "I'm gay." She hears: "Let's be best friends."
He says: "No, that doesn't make you look fat!" She hears: "Yes it does."
He says: "Your friend seems cool." She hears: "I want to date your friend." (via @eileenisajerk)He says: "I'd like to eventually settle down and get married, but let's not rush things." She hears: "Will you marry me?"
He says: "I had so much fun on our first date! Let's do it again sometime!" She hears: "Will you marry me?"
He says: "I don't want to get married." She hears: "Will you marry me?"
He says: "Pass the salt, please?" She hears: "Will you marry me?"

Am I right or am I right?


Finally, it's time for the Shoutout of the Week. The Shoutout of the Week goes to my nephew, Josh, who is celebrating his first birthday this Saturday. Ah, how time has flown. It seems like just yesterday that I became Uncle A-Town. Well, the little guy is getting bigger now. He's getting teeth and almost ready to learn how to walk. He's still as cute as a button (assuming the button is very cute) and I can't wait to see the little guy go to town on his personal birthday cake this weekend. I was contemplating getting him a little U of U onesie, but I don't think his parents would ever let him wear it, so I'll save my money. Anyhoo, happy b-day, little guy! I wanted to give you something memorable, so have your mommy print out this Issue and stick it in your scrapbook! (By the way, if you're reading this right now, I'm still determined to make your first word "A-Town"...)

 

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU!

That's about it for this week, kiddos! Hopefully you enjoyed it or something. I hope all of you gave a beautiful dat. Dang auto-correct.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron