Signs of the Times, Issue No. 151 - 04/05/11

As the sands of the hourglass, these are the dates of our lives...

Greetings to one and all. You've surprisingly tuned in yet again to another mind-blowing installment of my weekly Newsletter, "Signs of the Times." As Mr. Sam Rimmasch pointed out in an email to me a few days ago, last week's Issue was the sesquicentennial Issue of the Newsletter. He told me I should have done something special to commemorate that historic blogging milestone, but, alas, it was too late. I considered writing this Issue in rhyme, but with the events of this past weekend, I need to make sure I get my message across. Maybe next week. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you perhaps one of the most anticipated Newsletters of all time. On we go!

My first missionary companion was Jeff Martin. He was a good guy. He still is a good guy. Listened to my radio shows a few times. Not sure if he reads this anymore or not, which is a shame, because I'm about to make his techniques famous. He had a certain way of teaching investigators that I didn't particularly understand when I was that young in the mission field. When investigators or struggling less-active members of the church had a difficult time keeping their commitments or would occasionally lapse back into an old, unhealthy habit, Elder Martin's philosophy was to "tear them down then bring them back up." Here's how it would work: if, for example, an investigator or member was trying to quit smoking and had been doing well for weeks, but then broke down one day and smoked a couple cigarettes, we'd start talking to them and let them know that we were disappointed in them for breaking their commitment and messing up. This would almost inevitably make them feel even more guilty than they already were because they knew they had let the missionaries (and God) down. We would explain to them the consequences of their actions, thereby inducing more guilt and sadness and sometimes even tears. But then, Elder Martin, who was much, much, much better than me at Spanish at the time, would take over. He would calm them down, get them to relax, and get them to pay close attention to what he was about to say. He would then explain to them that we still had faith that they could change. He told them that we loved them and wanted them to succeed and that they had the potential to turn their lives around. Finally, he would tell them what they needed to do to get back on the right track. Though I didn't understand why we needed to tell them what they had done wrong before encouraging them and building them back up, I couldn't argue with the results. Almost every single time, the investigators or members would shape up and be better after our little chat.

Last Friday afternoon, I was talking to a friend of mine. We were discussing the upcoming General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I told her how much I loved Conference as a missionary. It seemed like every talk was applicable - if not to me, personally, then to someone I was working with on my mission. I never got tired during Conference, never missed a single word of any of the talks, and would almost be brought to tears when Conference was over and I had to wait another six months before the next one. I then told her about how I felt that the last Conference was a little less applicable to me than I felt like many had been in the past. I felt like a lot of the talks were directed toward mothers, parents, or the women of the church. (I'm not any of those, by the way.) And then I told her that I sometimes wished that they would just have more talks focused on young, single, poor, semi-graduated men. What does the scripture say? "Ask, and ye shall receive"?

There I was with the same friend sitting high aloft the Conference Center less than 24 hours later listening to Dallin H. Oaks. As soon as he said he had received a letter from a somewhat-disgruntled young woman, I almost buried my face in my hands. I knew what was coming: something along the lines of "I want to date and get married and start a family, but all the young men in the church won't commit to a relationship..." Boy, was I right? Elder Oaks read the letter explaining that there are many single, temple-worthy young women in the church just waiting for someone to propose to them. I shook my head a little, thinking to myself, "Funny, that's how I feel about the girls I've dated in the past..." As the hysterical laughter of the women in the congregation died down, Elder Oaks took a breath and added that there were many young men that wish for him to say the same thing about the young women! I audibly agreed with him as a hush fell over the women. And so the weekend of chastisement began.

..............

Later on Saturday night during Priesthood Session, I sat between my father and my younger brother, Cody, as we listened to the prophet, President Thomas S. Monson address the men of the church. His talk was great. He encouraged us to be worthy of the Priesthood, to fulfill our duties, to read the Book of Mormon, and to refrain from using profanity. And then he said he'd like to say a few words to the single young men of the church that have not decided to get married yet. I instantly felt both sets of eyes on either side of me swivel and give me the death glare. I know, I know... President Monson then went on to express his concern that many young men in the age range for potential marriage are spending too much time in large groups of their male counterparts, not thinking about committing to any one girl, or are simply having too much fun being single. He explained that not only should we be thinking about getting married, but we should be actively working toward it - and many of us aren't being active enough. Squashing the concern that hold back so many couples from getting married, he noted that it is not unusual for and there is no shame in couples having to scrimp and save in the early stages of their marriage. "Find someone with whom you are compatible," said the Prophet. Then, he added, we need to exercise faith that God will support us in our worthy actions. It was intense. He called out and basically laid the smackdown on all the single Priesthood holders out there. We took a pretty good beating and, as I'm sure any of you that saw my Facebook status updates on Friday and Saturday know, it was the talk of the town among eligible bachelors for the next 48 hours - and still continues to be.

Receiving instruction before the mighty battle.

On Sunday afternoon, up stepped Elder Richard G. Scott who, in essence, retold a little bit of his CES fireside from the Fall (which centered around his relationship with his wife and young children) and then took a slight tangent to talk to (you guessed it) the young, single men of the church. He explained why the church puts so much emphasis on "early marriage," stating that prolonging the single life can lead to the development and retention of unhealthy personal traits like selfishness. He urged us to set goals - to stop spending time in idle pursuits. The time has come, my friends. To steal a phrase from so many talks that were recommended to me as a recently-returned missionary in 2008, "it's marriage time."

I got what I had asked for. I was hoping this Conference would include even just a talk or two that related to me as a young, poor, struggling single. I found at least eight talks from this past weekend that relate directly or slightly indirectly to issues I've been facing in my life - and three specifically about marriage. Why did they have to tear me down? Why did they have to point out what I was doing wrong or what I have been trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to improve for years? I, along with many of my friends, felt guilty during and after General Conference. Why couldn't they just have told me that I'm doing a great job and shown me how to improve instead of tearing me down and then building me back up? As Elder D. Todd Christofferson pointed out in his talk last weekend, "Whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth." I got called out because Heavenly Father loves me, He knows that it's not easy, and He wants me to succeed. All these years later, it seems Elder Martin had it right all along.

This is the face of a changed man.

So what do we do now? At first, several of my single male friends ran like scalded dogs to their Facebook profiles - and some of the comments were mistakenly taken (out of context) as mocking or sarcastic. Let me clarify something: We were not making fun of the brethren's counsel. Not in the slightest... and I don't know why anyone would honestly think that we were. Were we mocking our own pathetic relationship statuses? Oh yeah, we were. Were we mocking President Monson by vowing to propose to the first girl we saw on the street? Not a chance. My friends and I took the chastisement and the constructive criticism to heart and, like the proverbial second wind, are willing, eager, and ready to try harder from now on. For those of you that have regularly read the Newsletter over the past two years or so, you know all about my horrendous dating escapades, so the simple fact that I am feeling hopeful and confident about my social life again, even after all the horrible things that have happened in the past, in quite remarkable to me. Conference worked some serious magic in the lives of young men last weekend. In a world that at times seems more and more like Jersey Shore Land every day, it was like the cloud have parted and the very heavens have smiled upon our gender once again. I believe that warrants a Shoutout of the Week for all the guys out there who had their confidence restored in the past 72 hours. Congratulations, brethren.

YAAAAAAARGHHH!!!

So what am I going to do about that? Lots of things, in fact, starting with my singles ward's Family Home Evening activity last night. We combined with a ward in South Jordan and had a "dating coach" come talk to us. Couldn't have been timed any better, as a matter of fact, coming right on the heels of the marriage-centric messages we had all just heard. The marriage and family therapist that came has spent years dealing with young single adults that come in on the verge of a mental breakdown because their dating lives are so miserable. I've had some crappy stuff happen to me, but I don't think I've ever had a total meltdown, so that's comforting. But her tips were pretty helpful and enlightening. She spent most of the time discussing the 17 secrets to male and female psychology, which was not only eye-opening, but also dead on, in most cases. Take, for example, number 13 for men: "Men are repelled by criticism, nagging, and whining." Take notes, ladies. And stop telling me how much you hate my Facebook posts. Or how about number six for women: "Women are turned off by men who are too nice." I'm still trying to figure out what "too nice" means, exactly - and you girls can deny that statement all you want - but it's TRUE!! I've got a handout with all the points on it, if any of you are interested. So the dating coach helped out. Many of the things she used as flirting tips are the typical flirting game that I've never been good at and I don't expect my flirting skills to miraculously shape up overnight, but it's good to go and get some new ideas, anyway.

Trying out the new flirting skills...

In the past couple years, I have developed a like for reading "self-help"/"self-improvement" books. It's not because I'm depressed about myself and want a different life. I love my life. I just have my struggles like any other normal human being and I want to get better. Last summer I read through most of How to Win Friends and Influence People and couldn't believe how awesome that book was. Sadly, I had to stop reading when I got busy with EFY, but I plan on finishing it sometime in the next couple months. I'm currently reading a baseball book about metal toughness. I picked it up because I thought that was a key ingredient missing for the Utah Jazz this year, but I've been surprised at how much of this baseball stuff applies to overcoming challenges in regular life, too. This stuff is good. That's another thing that Conference is good for, especially this most recent one. It showed me (and hopefully all of you) a million areas in our lives where we can improve and be better. That's mostly what I've learned in the past four days: that I've got a ton of stuff to work on and improve.

Watch out, ladies.

In the end, what did we learn? Did we curse the General Authorities for pointing out our weaknesses and shortcomings? Do we, as did Elder Hugh B. Brown in his 1973 discourse, clench our fists and shake them at heaven, crying, "How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done - that I should have done - that I haven't done. How could you do this to me?" I say unto you, nay. This weekend, we brethren in the Gospel have learned Elder Brown's lesson and realized that "God is the gardener here." He has reminded us that he has a plan for us and we have responded, as if in unison, saying, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting [us] down, for loving [us] enough to hurt [us]."

"God is the gardener here," said Elder Brown. "He knows what he wants you to be. Submit yourselves to His will. Be worthy of His blessings, and you will get His blessings."

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron