Signs of the Times, Issue No. 87 - 01/05/10

Who are you and why do you keep Poking me?

Greetings to one and all from beneath the warmth and comfort of my Weezer Snuggie. It's 2010, babies, so buckle up for safety and another amazing year of "Signs of the Times." If you voted that 2009 was "Average," "Sub-par" (mmhmm!), or "Poor," like more than 50% of blog site voters did, just you wait! We'll take a glance back at 2009 this week, along with many, many other things, such as the so-called new decade, being a dang jerk online, the end of the Fantasy Football season, and a simple solution to the Utah Jazz's woes. But first, a disclaimer for the world to read. On we go!

Disclaimer: "Signs of the Times" is a weekly Newsletter sent to individuals that have either been hand-picked by Management or voluntarily subjected themselves to said periodical. We here at "Signs of the Times" do not check our facts or our spelling and, honestly, very seldom do research in the first place when discussing issues such as, but not limited to, the swine flu. Management received negative feedback from several individuals after comments made in last week's Issue. To any of those individuals that may have been offended by this commentary, we offer our condolences. Because this is more of a clarification than an apology, we offer this bit of advice: If you don't like it, don't read it. Thank you. -- Management.

Uh huh.

Ahem. Now that that's over, let's get into a little bit of reader feedback, shall we? As you probably recall, last Issue I mentioned on several occasions that it was the end of the decade. I now refer you to the Disclaimer once again to the part where it says that I don't check facts or do research. Here's an email I got last week from a very Loyal Subscriber with his thoughts on the matter. Then I shall offer my rebuttal... because I'm not wrong. I'm never wrong. Enjoy.

"Dear Aaron,

I hate to be pedantic, (not really, actually I quite enjoy it sometimes) but 2009 is NOT the end of the decade. The end of this decade will be December 31, 2010. In our current deca-numeric system, each sequence of numbers is 10-based, meaning that the sequence ends with the number 10. For instance: any three year old knows that when counting on their fingers they have not finished until all ten fingers are up; In kindergarten when we filled out our number boxes to learn to count to 100, each line started with 1 and ended with 10 (1-10, 11-20, 21-30, etc.). So, to complete my pedantry, the Twentieth Century did NOT end with the close of 1999, and the current decade will NOT finish until the end of 2010."

Cheers!

- A Loyal Subscriber

Ok... first of all, I definitely had to look up "pedantic." "Ostentatious in one's learning." I then considered looking up "ostentatious," but, upon closer examination, "pedantic" could also be described as "overly concerned with minute details or formalisms." I understand what you mean. I really do. You never start counting with "zero." And Christ wasn't born in the year 0 A.D., either. The calendar system started in the year 1 A.D. Therefore, you have a good point. In one way of thinking, you could definitely say that the decade doesn't end until the end of this year. But tell me this, now, Subscriber - Why was Y2K such a big deal in the year 2000 and not in 2001? Why did we consider THAT the end of the millennium? Why do I tell people that I'm 23, even though I'm in my 24th year of life? And why, historically speaking, did the 1920s end with 1929? The 1920s went from January 1, 1920 to December 31, 1929, and thus on through the so-called decades up until the years 2000 to 2009. The years 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009 (count them - 10 years) comprised of A decade. Perhaps not THE decade or YOUR decade, but ANOTHER decade of years is over. As we discussed in our personal communications, the media has dubbed this the "end of the decade," and, in some cases, "The Decade from Hell." I'm not usually one to agree with the media, but we won't get into that. Both sides present good and valid arguments and I'll let you settle it for yourselves. I, however, have yet to publicly retract anything I have ever said - ever - and would like to keep it that way. But thanks for the email, anyway. Happy new year.

True dat.

For those sports fans out there, perhaps you've noticed that the Utah Jazz, well, are terrible right now. I had the opportunity of going to a Jazz game with the one and only Richard Brunson last weekend and I quite enjoyed myself. I always like going to NBA games and I always like seeing old friends, so it was really a win-win situation... for me, anyway. The Jazz, on the other hand, who have been nearly invincible on their home court in the past few seasons, looked terrible. I'm pretty certain that Jerry Sloan was about to sub in A-Town and the Brunsonator because we probably could have grabbed some of those rebounds. The Jazz played the Nuggets that night and it should have been a pretty close game, anyway, but Denver's two best players didn't even step on the court and a rookie, backup point guard dropped 23 points on Deron Williams. The Jazz currently harbor a disappointing home game losing streak and it got me thinking. What's wrong this year? What was different in the past - heck, even last year?? What's missing? And then the answer came. Resurrect Larry Miller.

Miss you, Larry.

This just in! I've been heavily promoting the blog polls in the last 48 hours and you, the Subscribers, have come to a conclusion, selecting your Top Five Signs of the Times from 2009. Let's take a stroll down memory lane, shall we?

Honorable mention:

"Male, Female, or Both?" - Five votes: Who could forget that addicting game that Scott and I used to play on TRAX as we went to and from school. Sometimes it was really hard to tell... especially in the case of women's track and field star, Caster Semenya.

Donny Osmond wins "Dancing with the Stars" - Five votes: Honestly, I'm really upset that this didn't make it because the fulfillment of my prediction that Donny Osmond would win "Dancing with the Stars" made it THREE STRAIGHT YEARS that I have correctly chosen the winner of "DwtS." I'm a genius. An absolute, bonafide genius.

Emergence of new segments - Six votes: 2009 was a bad year for many things, but not for new segments in the Newsletter, like "That's P.M.U.!!" and "The Week in Review."

Why wouldn't people vote for this?

5th place - 2nd place (in random, non-sequential order):

Dating drama - Seven votes: 2009 was an absolutely horrible year for A-Town's dating life. The biggest trial of them all, naturally, was the EFY incident, in which I was dumped one Saturday and the girl was engaged to somebody else the next weekend. Seven days, baby. Seven days.

Hate mail from BYU students - Seven votes: We'll just say this. If they didn't hate me before, my 2009 enrollment at the University of Utah was like a fan to the flame.

Rhyming Issues - Seven votes: Somebody once told me that rhyming was dead/They spit in my face, slapped me in the head/"They won't prove me wrong." Think that's what I said/I broke out my Suess, but nobody read.

Comm and Gender at the U - Seven votes: Hated this class. Didn't like it really at all. But I think I'll miss it because it gave me tons of stuff to make fun of. Gay teacher with unusual sense of fashion. People bashing their own religion. Overweight belly dancers. Homosexual African-American transvestite drag queens. Good Times, indeed.

I just think this is a very stylish picture.

1st place - 2009's best Sign of the Times:

The Nose Wax - Twelve votes: The moment the opportunity for a free nose wax presented itself, I knew it would be Newsletter gold. I could breathe like a champ for like a week and a half after that. The video that followed continues to be one of my most popular videos on Facebook and has prompted lots of feedback. Girls have tended to find it weird and troubling, but my EFY kids sure seem to enjoy it.

Pluck!

There you have it! What will 2010 have in store for the twisted world of A-Town? Only Time will tell...

There's a little something I need to take care of. Keep in mind, I'm only doing this because you voted for it on the blog site. I've been frustrated this football season because of my Pick 'Em league. The goal is to correctly determine the outcome of more NFL games than the other people in the league. In week six, I forgot to make my picks, essentially dooming the rest of my season. I could never catch up after that huge mishap, ending up in third place out of four, losing to both of my parents. My dad pulled away in the final week, beating me by five games, but it's my mom that I really have a problem with. She wins all the Pick 'Em leagues every single year and, believe me, losing to your mom is humiliating. She beat me by 16 games this Time around. She's been rubbing it in my face all season and wanted me to give her something that I believe she has been calling the Fantasy Football Shoutout of the Week. I believe she's just jealous that she has never had the Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week since she doesn't play in the other Fantasy league... but there's no such thing as a "Fantasy Football Shoutout of the Week." That's a combination of two different segments. But WHATEVER!!! You wanted it, people, so here it is... Mom... congratulations, I guess... But really, the thing is that Dad and I just go for more upsets than you do because we're all about living on the edge. If I wouldn't have forgotten my picks that one week, I would have smoked you. But whatever. Just enjoy it for a month or two, but just wait - once it gets to March Madness, I'll beat you down. I guess this will count as theShoutout of the Week or something like that. Whatever.

Next year, Mom. Next year.

On a lighter note, let's talk about something a little more enjoyable. I am the Fantasy Football champion for the 2009-10 season! I'll give props to my boys, "Wicknasty" (3rd place) and "El Gordo Mas Guapo" (nice push at the end earning 2nd place), but in the end, I ended up on top. Better luck next Time, kiddos. TheFantasy Football Superstar of the Season goes to Chris Johnson, the Tennessee RB that wound up as the top overall player in the entire league. Oh yeah, he never made it off the bench for the "E-Town Turkeys." What a shame.

And finally, my night with the Brunsonator was a good chance to bash Facebook. Facebook, Facebook, I love you. I really do. It's kind of like a photo journal of all of my exploits. As far as making and maintaining personal relationships, however, Facebook is crap. Why? People are ruthless on Facebook and through texting. People say and do things that they would NEVER say or do to me in person that is seemingly "anonymous" online or via text. Facebook is not an excuse to be a jerk. If you want to rip on me and tell me how I'm not fun anymore, call me on the phone like somebody did last night. It's much more meaningful. Being a jerk online or through text is lame. In fact, some might say That's P.M.U.!!

Even my FB Stalkers hate me.

Ah... Amy is texting me right now. She's being a jerk. Just kidding. No, she's not. But she is currently in a large, vacant house and she's quoting "Poltergeist." Next week, Amy and Cody will be participating in the first ever three-participant Two-Minute Instant Message. We'll bash Facebook fan pages. It'll be good.

That's about it for this week. Maybe we'll have more than 17 readers this year.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron